Teenage bad behaviour vs Mental Health???

[LancashireLass123]

My DD is 15 and in her final few months of high school. She's always had a bit of spirit but has always stayed well in control of herself, attended school and had a decent social life. June last year towards the end of Year 10 her friendship group broke apart and things seemed to change. She has never been a kid to walk around/hang around the village we live in but sees friends at organisations she attends (Guides, Explorers etc) and always has friends over at our house.

Her behaviour has changed massively.... Started off just trying to skip school due to having few friends/ones she doesn't particularly like. If she went to school, she would get out of lesson as often as she could. We have worked with school to put a plan into place which is where she attends certain lessons but others that she gets too stressed about they let her work in school remotely.
At home - she rarely comes out of her bedroom, if i ask her to do the slightest thing like put 4 items of washing away it causes an arguemnt, if i put them away for her it causes an arguemnt. I've been walking on eggshells for months. She's now at a point where she's telling me to F off, using bad language in front of my 5 year old, slamming doors over and over again. She's ran away a handful of times - I've always followed her but the last time i did it made her walk erratically in the middle of the road on a road with no footpath and little street light. She also went off road towards the river when it was pitch black and -5 degrees. The other night she ran away and I called the police who were very understanding, she did come back of her own accord as she'd broken her big toe and it hurt to walk (She was kicking the front door on the way out causing ££s of damage!!).

Doctors wont help, reffered to CAMHS and they wont' help, school and police have both done another refferal but waiting on that.
Unfortunatley its causing a massively tense atmosphere in the house. My husband just sees this as purely behavioural and is punishing her with taking her phone away, wanting her out of the house and not speaking to her at all. I agree with the taking away luxuries to a point but I'm struggling to live in the house where they aren't speaking. He just sees it as a big paddy but i can't see past her needing extra help.
Sorry for the long message but if anyone has any experience of similar and has a success story then i'd love to hear what you did. No one seems to be able to help us. School Nurse is monthly and she maskss her emotions when she speaks to them. 90% of the time she is lovely but she is very dangerous mainly to me and herself when she flips. She hasn't been brought up in a volatile home.

Any links to organisations you think may be able to help her (or me!!) are extremely welcome!!

This sounds like she is anxious.

I would imagine that the problem with the friendship group is behind it.

If she is having trouble attending lessons and is running away from you then it might be fear based.

It's very hard to punish someone out of being scared, and teens who are scared can and will do quite extreme things to get out if what they see as scary situations.

I found the teen anxiety workbook helpful with my teen.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Anxiety-Workbook-Teens-Activities-Worry/dp/1684038634/ref=ascdff_1684038634/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=500798696358&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=1513405787475468147&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006699&hvtargid=pla-1224073047815&psc=1&mcid=b25741a464ce3d7c830df7e7d3029c92&th=1&psc=1

Thank you. I'll have a look at it.

It's so hard knowing what to do. My husband suffers with anxiety and sees it in her too (he's a mental health professional) but he's adamant that this is behavioural. I'm on the fence with it as I see both sides but I feel like we're going around in circles!!

I think that allowing her control over which lessons she will attend etc has set the expectation up that she can control what happens via her behaviour. At the root of it is probably unhappiness at friendship issues which has then spread to damaging other areas of her life such as achievement and behaviour in lessons and now relationships at home. I would be looking at finding her an experienced counsellor for teens who can offer her a safe space to unload and some cbt. I would also be wary of thinking that you need to be OK with bad behaviour from her. She can be sad and worried and be supported and lived. She can also be encouraged to work through the issues so she is not vile to you and is not missing her lessons.

Thank you.

The school letting her attend certain lessons has only just happened last week. She had a lot of anxiety at 2 lessons that a particular girl was in. Since she has been allowed to learn elsewhere she has been much better at going to school. My DD is overweight and gets called names on a daily basis so has dealt with some nasty people in school and got on with it but this one girl has made life difficult for her.

The school need to be dealing with the bullying by sanctioning the girl. I appreciate she might prefer not to be near the other girl but she can't be learning as much on her own as she would in class. It also sets a precedent. I have seen school make these kind of arrangements and it nearly always snowballs with kids then needing more and more time out of various lessons or on part time timetables. It worries me as it often leads to worse overall outcomes so I would keep an eye and be working towards returning to class v quickly.

Unfortunately I think it's too late, she only has a handful of teaching weeks left in classes as she'll be sitting her GCSEs after Easter.
It seems to be a new thing that the school are trying out as up to now they've been useless with any form of SEN or mental health.

i know what you mean about trying to distinguish ‘normal’ teen moodiness from actual issues. It’s hard & I’ve been there with my DD. This does sound more than the normal run of teen drama though. Can you afford private counselling? I would just go straight for that if you can.

I also second finding a counsellor who is specifically experienced with teens. It doesn't matter how this is defined, right now this is causing a lot of stress to her, to you and to her dad. Also, have a word with your husband, not speaking to her is not the right way to deal with this, choose the punishment (I would think breaking a toe is one anyway) and then everything else goes back to normal. You have to let teens have a way back into being better and doing better, if you set it up as an opposition, that's what you will get, more opposition. She needs someone to talk with, start looking around. My dd has had a very good counsellor for about three years and it's been amazing to have a supporter for her when things have been difficult, since about aged 15.

You are also right, school are too slow and CAMHS are overwhelmed. You have to pay unfortunately to get help earlier, if you suddenly make it through the system to CAMHS great, but she may not get much support there, anyway, we did not find it that helpful.

Thank you so much, I've only just seen the notifications for the last couple of replies.
Things seem much better just now and whenever I bring up counselling it's a point blank refusal. I'm probably burying my head in the sand but right now it's not broke so I'm not trying to fix it.
Roll on June when school is done, it does seem to be a massive trigger.
It's good to know I'm not the only one this happens to.