I’m going to have to cancel his driving lessons

[Fluffycloudsandsunshine]

Ds turns 17 in 2 weeks time. We have had a long battle with behaviour and smoking weed. He agreed that he really wanted to learn to drive and it seemed a really good way to turn things around. I booked an instructor for his birthday and he agreed to go to college and stop smoking weed. Things improved and he stated attending college and he didn’t smoke for a few weeks. During the last week he is back to his old habits. Obviously stoned when he comes home from college. My husband has just been diagnosed with cancer so I’m really struggling at the moment. When he doesn’t smoke he can be lovely but he is a paranoid mess when he starts smoking. I’m going to have to cancel the instructor. I can’t let him drive if he has cannabis in his system. I’m heart broken. He is very loved and has so many opportunities. I thought learning to drive would be a great incentive to stop. His dad is also heartbroken having to cope with our sons behaviour and his diagnosis .

Then cancel them.

No one paid or a organised my lessons - if he wants to learn he can now pay for them himself - get a job on the weekend.

Sometimes you have to let them fail.

I think you have to cancel the lessons, on safety grounds. But do bear in mind that illness in a parental figure can have a hell of an impact on young people, and this may partially explain the current setback.

This. I paid for my own lessons too.

It's the right thing to do. If you pay for him to have lessons and he ends up hurting himself or worse- someone else, you'll never forgive yourself.

If he wants to learn to drive enough; he will stop

Is your husband his dad? Is he using weed as a coping mechanism, he must be very upset about the diagnosis.

Yes it’s my sons dad

Yes you need to cancel them. It’s a really good natural consequence though that could help him turn things around so try and see it as a positive and a delay rather than total ban on them?

How often is he smoking?

I think the OP posted before saying that her son's reaction to his dad's illness wasn't what she'd want, so this problem existed prior to diagnosis.

OP, I agree, you should cancel the lessons. Is his drug taking associated with particular friends who might not be around once he finishes college?

Get him some support, some counselling. Use driving lessons as a reward for him not using - cancel the lessons for the moment, but get the kid some help.

The driving lessons are his birthday present ?

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. How difficult this all must seem right now.

If it were me I'd probably keep the driving lessons booked. People are generally more likely to do a behaviour with a reward attached than stop doing something because of a punishment. However, I'd make it clear - and follow through on the threat - that the driving lesson would be cancelled if the instructor turns up and you have any concerns whatsoever about him being under the influence. He will then have to pay for it himself regardless. That means not having smoked on the day of the lesson. Cannabis stays in your body for weeks but active intoxication is anywhere between 2 and 12 hours depending on strength, frequency of use and individual tolerance. For a teen dabbling in it, probably around 4-6 hours. You can frame this around safety rather than judgement about cannabis smoking, which a 17-year-old is likely to dismiss as you being out of touch (you're not and I hate the stuff but one battle at a time).

The goal here is to cut back/cut out the cannabis while also giving DS something positive to focus on and keeping the communication open between your DS and your family. You're going to need to rely on each other in such an awful period in your lives.

I paid for my own driving lessons as well but I don't consider it comparable to today. Driving lessons are 4x now what they used to be when I learned, plus you have extra fees like the theory test.

You know your child best. Good luck. 💐

This. But my mum had a similar diagnosis when I was his age and it rocked my world, no matter how little I may have showed it.

I’m sorry you’re going through so much 💐

I believe the law is, that he won’t be covered by insurance if he has cannabis in his system.

You will have to cancel them on safety grounds but it does sound like he’s going through a lot (as are you all) with his dads diagnosis. Can he access any support at college?

I'd cancel the lessons for the safety of him and others. It's illegal to drive with cannabis in your system. I'd imagine his dad's cancer diagnosis is responsible for his set back, so be gentle with him and explain why the lessons need to be cancelled.