Our house is a war zone

[Lucie390]

I really need your advice or maybe this is normal I don’t know.

Dd 1 is 14 and has adhd (she’s homeschooled) Dd 2 is 18 and studying for A levels.

Both kids and have low tolerance of stress, husband does too, I feel I’m only sane one at the moment.

Both teens love each other one minute want to kill each other the next, only verbal and shouting but sometimes after a tough day with dd1 and her adhd it’s about to send me and my husband (their dad) over the edge. Our eldest is so moody, stressed doing her alevels and generally gets worked up over most things. I would even consider she’s depressed but if things are going her own way she’s happy as Larry so clearly not depressed ! She’s basically very moody if we don’t do what she wants or het in her way her too much !

Things have been esp bad for past 2years whilst we got daughter diagnosed and removed her from school, things have been so much better since we started home schooling (she has tutors) but eldest is now saying she can’t wait to move out as our home is so unhappy. I’ve explained her moods are contributing to it, I do so much for her and she’s so ungrateful that this week I’ve said I’m doing zero for her. She can walk to school and get herself to places- she’s 18.

It all just feels too much at the moment. This chaos has been going on too long. My husband makes it worse as he points out how terrible all this is, I just feel so down. The kids are wearing us both down.

I’ve got nothing to help with here, other than to say that I grew up in a similar environment where my older brother was a nightmare and my parents spent a lot of time shouting at him (aka our house was also a warzone) and I just wish that we’d all taken a step back, looked at each other as individuals and stopped trying to force round pegs into square holes. Reckon you and your husband probably need to do some work on supporting your teens through what is a really really tough time for them - you’re the adults so you’re the ones who have to lead the way here. Sending strength though, it’s bloody hard and I do feel for you.

Be kind to yourself first and foremost - I know from experience that when things don’t go well at school for an extended period of time it is exhausting. I would say we all had “chronic trauma” from all the phone calls, meetings, exclusions, uncertainty, worry and sleepless nights.

You might need rest, you might need to build some fun into your days - whatever that looks like to you. What did you do for fun before you had kids? Do some of that!

Also try not to feel guilty about an 18yr old wanting to leave home - there are aspects of this that are actually very healthy and to be celebrated! The reverse is “I love home so much I never want to leave” - which is far worse for her future independence!

Home educating - wow! Boundaries with 18yr old and lifts…etc - excellent!

It sounds like you are a brilliant mum and maybe just need to be putting yourself first more often.

Thank you

The problem is we are very much doing that already. We treat them very much as individuals, have removed daughter no 2 from school for this reason and if anything probably spend too much time trying to accommodate when actually they need to realise how lucky they are.

Can I ask what could your parents have done that you feel would have had a big impact ?

I speak to both calmly and individually, spend time with each, arrange fun things to do together. When it’s all kicking off I try and let them sort and don’t helicopter, or step in when needed but nothing works.

Do you think firm rules like if one says please leave my room now and the other doesn’t there’s firmer consequences? This seems to be the starting point of most rows. Whilst I’ve tried to enforce this haven’t been consistent as someone is usually crying and upset and I try to be more sympathetic than firm in the moment.

Any help gratefully received!

Thank you 💕

Are there specific points of conflict? Like the room example you gave?
It sounds perhaps that you all need to look at how to de-escalate an argument.
But some of what you're doing is great - having firm boundaries and expectations and reasonable consequences for not meeting those.
I'd agree that an 18 year old being ready to leave home post A-level is a good result in many ways.

Having a child with adhd in the household can be tricky.

What helped us was:

Firm rules about bedrooms. A was only allowed in B's bedroom if B permitted it. If B wanted A to leave they had to leave. This applied to everyone and we enforced it. It meant everyone had a space to retreat to away from rows.

We stepped back from doing things for them. So made a video and instructions for laundry, bought a drying rack each, showed them a few times and left them to it. Fewer rows over I need X tomorrow because it was their problem.

I suggest looking at what the rows are about and see if you can reduce flashpoints.

You need to have a family meeting with sone ground rules and try and work on this whilst they are calm.

Evening meal every night without any bitching is non negotiable here. Own space other times is optional..

Meant to say 4 dc. 2 teens with ASD.

I also think they are old enough to have complete autonomy over their rooms. If they cannot respect each others space I think I would a them going in each others rooms full stop for a while and stays they can spend time together in communal areas only.