Forcing DD to go to school

[NoraLuka]

DD2, 16, hates school and keeps saying she doesn’t want to go. She gets good grades and isn’t worried about the actual schoolwork but is very anxious generally, will hardly speak to the other kids and just spends the days waiting to go home. She isn’t being bullied, she actually gets on with people on the rare occasions when she interacts with them. She won’t do anything outside school, just wants to sit in her room.

She has seen a therapist a few times but it doesn’t help much because she won’t talk to them either. I have suggested everything I can think of that could possibly help - sports, exercise, activities, speaking to the teachers, seeing the GP, whatever. She just says no and that’s that. She won’t entertain any kind of conversation about what she wants to do in the future, or about what we could do to help her feel better.

I am worried sick to be honest because it just seems to keep getting worse, and she’s not due to finish school until next year. I’m not sure I’m doing the right thing insisting she goes to school, but we are not in the UK and there is very little flexibility here. If she doesn’t do her final exams at the same time as everyone else it will be difficult to do them later and I worry she’d regret it when she gets older.

Apologies for the massive post!

You are right to keep her at school and to offer counselling etc. What else could she do?
Have you tried taking her out to a movie with a school friend?
Have you tried getting her into a craft that she could enjoy on her own and be creative?
Do you have a pet bird or dog or cat?

I agree with her going to school. It is one less thing that is problematic and one more thing that is normalising her existance.
Enjoy her company and have some jolly laughs while playing card games.

I really feel for you both. I have no solutions unfortunately, I'm currently having to persuade my own DD to go in to college most days, though that's only three days a week.
What year is she in? If its Year 11 is she being made to do incessant past papers and exam style questions rather than actual going over topics? DD hated Year 11 and when the proper exams started she stopped going in and revised at home in between exams. The viability of this of course depends on how much revising she would do independently.

Thanks for your replies, she’s in the equivalent of Y12, there are mock exams but also learning new things which I don’t have the knowledge to help her with if she did stay at home. Sometimes I’d like to let her take a day off but I worry one day would become 2 days then spiral into more and more time off so I’ve been absolutely zero tolerance, no days off at all.

It’s so difficult, DD1 didn’t like school much either at the same age which manifested itself by being shockingly rude and horrible, but this wall of silence from DD2 is actually harder to deal with. I will try to get her to play some kind of game with us, or maybe chat about books or something that she still likes.

Ah same as my DD then. She's in Year 12 too. She does for now want to go in to college but only because she knows the alternative is me doing some form of home learning, and neither of us want that.
The current reasons for not wanting to go are that she doesn't know what's expected of her, she doesn't talk to anyone, she actively dislikes the other students (too rude for her, bless her), she is exhausted at the end of the college day and feels like all she does is go to college and finish stuff she should have done at college.
It's miserable isn't it?
Have you got to the bottom of went your DD doesn't want to go?

If she's in Y12 then could she try college instead?

I went to a separate sixth form college - had to in my area as they abolished school sixth forms- and was totally fed up of school in Y11. If I'd had to stay on at school I don't think I would have. I totally relished being only with 16-18 year olds and treated like an adult rather than the hierarchical atmosphere at school, and absolutely loved it.

Also just because they are bright it doesn't meant they have to do traditional academic subjects. What is she interested in?

At her age she can also get a job provided there is training involved. Would she prefer that and return to studies later?

Some kids have just had enough of school at 16. I think many have had enough before that considering how rubbish and old fashioned secondary school education is now.

Current main reasons for not wanting to go are that there’s too many people, she doesn’t want to speak to anyone and it’s too tiring - the last one is on days when they have lessons from 8 - 5.30.

I’ve tried speaking to her about doing a less academic course (no), thinking about what to do after leaving school because it might be motivating to have something to look forward to (no), doing an apprenticeship (no)… I don’t think she even gives the suggestions any thought, just says no. She used to like art, reading, going for walks, baking… None of it was particularly sociable but at least she was happy doing something. That’s all stopped now and she is like a brick wall.

I thought the toddler years were difficult, but I’d take any number of supermarket tantrums over this!

Is she maybe depressed? A trip to the dr may help.

Gently, YABU to force her to go to school every day with a zero tolerance policy. She is telling you that school is too much due to all the people, why would you think she then has the energy to be around yet more people for out of school activities? Why do you think she is retreating for alone time in her room whenever she isn’t in school? Because you won’t let her even take a teeny tiny break from the mental stress of being around people no matter how good her grades are or how hard she works.

Let her take a day off school here and there when it is too much. If her grades suffer, then you can revisit that (I don’t think they will). If she can get the down time she needs, then she may have energy to think about the future and what she might like to do. Right now she is in survival mode- stress followed by curling up and recovering.

She is 16, it’s time to start listening to her when she says what she needs.

Does she want a smaller school?
What subjects is she doing?
Is she doing art a level?
She doesn't have a partner does she. She wants a bf or gf or a very good best friend. She wants intimacy now and is scared she'll never have it.

Have a look at the NFIS (not fine in school) FB page, I think it would be helpful

DD is a little younger but similar. She was recently diagnosed with ASD1, so you may want to look at an assessment, especially before she 'ages' out of any system. We also live outside the UK, so I appreciate that not everything people suggest will be applicable.

Things that are helping DD

1. I concede one day a term - the fact that she can call it in if necessary helps her work out whether the day is going to be really bad or just a bit crap. But like you I am wary of that spiralling, so when we agreed to this, we did so as a bigger discussion about why there needed to be some boundaries
2. Art therapy has been a game changer in terms of her understanding and talking about her fears and her anxiety. The art gives a focus to the session, which isn't her. May be worth a shot
3. Those loop ear plug things that are always advertised on social media. I was cynical but she says they make a big difference for loud moments like daily in the canteen or in assemblies.
4. Decompression time after school. DD gets roughly an hour to do nothing but zone out on a screen. I don't ask how the day went, I don't check what homework she has - nothing. It's just her time to come down from the stress of being in school. If something happens to disrupt this, I can pretty much predict the evening will begin to spiral.

Hopefully something in there resonates

You are doing the right thing making her go to school. Too many kids just do what they want and have no resilience as a result. Stick to your guns.