Found a note (lyrics?) by my daughter's bed

[stabledoor]

I went into my 13 year old daughter's room this morning to turn off her bedside light, which she'd left on, and found by her bed a note that she'd written - it was hard to miss it as it was right by her light. I can see that it could just be her writing overly dramatic lines to an imagined song or poem - as you do when you're 13. But there was some stuff in there that worried me: a mention of her being 'scared', saying that 'she's not alright, not since before'. What should I do? We have pretty good communication - it was great up until Christmas, but I've found it harder to connect with her since. She has definitely been a bit more withdrawn and subdued over the last month. Should I ask her about it directly, saying that I happened to see it there? Or would it be better to just check in generally with her and remind her - again - that I'm here if there's anything worrying her etc.? I'm worried she'll just brush me off and say everything's OK, and I don't really know how to get through that.

If the note was clearly visible and she knows you go in her room, I would discuss the note openly stating why you would find the lyrics concerning. I am pitching this from how I'd approach my child because I know them.

Could you put the light back on so that it looks like you haven't been in her room and then leave it a day before asking her If everything is ok because you have noticed something is troubling her ?
She might not admit to anything , but just say you know her well enough to know something is wrong but it's ok if she can't find the words to tell you right then , but perhaps she can tell you later or in a few days , also let her know you are there for her whatever .

Thank you both for your calm responses. Both suggesting different ways of responding - but that's actually really helpful. I'm quite upset and just having some different ideas for what to do is useful to help me think through what's right for us.

Could something have happened over Christmas, I would be careful about saying you read her note that’s invading her privacy.

could it be homework?

I would talk to her, ask her if anything is bothering her.

Say nothing. Turn the light back on and focus on mum daughter activities/moments for this month. You're making a thing out of it. Stop. She'll open up soon enough.

Yes, this is actually what I'm most inclined to do. I think I need to make a bit more of an effort to do some stuff with her.

When I was about 16 I started writing a really dramatic letter to my best friend, who I was secretly also madly in love with. I got maybe 2 sentences in before realising I was being ridiculous and crumpled in into a ball and lobbed it across the room. However those two sentences involved something like "I don't want to be here any more, can't face seeing you every day"

Of course my parents found it and decided I was going to kill myself.

Cue the most awkward trip down the pub while my Dad asked endless probing questions while trying not to reveal what he'd seen. I'm glad he did it, I was fine but I could well not have been, so I'm glad he checked. I do wish he'd just come out and said what he'd found straight away though, would have made it so much less awkward.

I don't want to worry you op. But I think saying nothing is a terrible idea. If this is a reach out for support and it's something serious she could feel really ignored. If it's been left out in the open thst chances are she knew you'd see it. I think you should calmly mention it from a place of concern for her wellbeing.

I agree - you can't say nothing. First of all I'd google the words if you think it might be the lyrics to a song, but if they're not, then I'd leave the note where it is and speak to her privately tonight. I really hope she's OK.

I'd just check in generally because teen poetry does tend to be dramatic... but it's a good expression for them and she might feel self conscious and violated if she thinks you've read it and picked over it.
I remember writing a poem at that age.. a bit different because I hadn't even left it out on the side it was inside a notebook near my bed... and I've never forgotten that my gran found it and read it over with my mum then confronted me about it together. And what's more they completely misinterpreted what it was about. I'd used a metaphor involving the word 'crime' and they'd got it into their heads I'd been shoplifting or something like that. Utterly ridiculous and embarrassing. And I've never forgotten it. I do not have a good relationship with my mother nor did I with my gran, in adulthood.
Not just because of that obviously...
I do think teens need emotional space. It's good she has an outlet to express herself via poetry. She should be able to do that without it being scrutinised.
However checking in with her generally I'd always a good idea anyway. Maybe make some time where you can just have some time to chat... go out for a hot chocolate together.. ask her how she's feeling at the moment. I'm sure that would mean a lot to her. But do not mention the poem it's embarrassing and invasive.

Just a thought, could they be song lyrics she has written down? A couple years back whilst DS was doing his GCSEs, I received a call from a concerned teacher. They were about to pass on their concerns to the safeguarding team about DSs RE exam paper, he had written about killing his wife, taking drugs and god know what else! I was horrified and obviously asked him what he had written about and why? Turns out, he didn't know what to write as his answer, so wrote the lyrics to a Jonny Cash song!

I agree with this OP. It could be a cry for help as she has left it where it is bound to be discovered. The consequences of doing nothing could be unthinkable so please speak to her as soon as you can.

Yes, I have googled the lyrics already - as hoped they might be from a song, but nothing seems to be coming up.
So I'm thinking that tonight I'm going to make a real effort to reach out to her and have a chat about how things are going generally, but without mentioning anything specifically about what I've read. And then maybe at the weekend, when we have a bit more time and space, if she's still withdrawn and hasn't opened up to me, I might bring up what I've seen. But I take on board how embarrassing it could be - I wrote all sorts of stuff in my diary when I was a teenager and I can't think of anything worse than my mum reading it (but I didn't have a good relationship with my mum and I was a very lonely teenager!).

@Kittylala

''Say nothing. Turn the light back on and focus on mum daughter activities/moments for this month. You're making a thing out of it. Stop. She'll open up soon enough.''

I strongly disagree with this approach.

OP, it is very possible that your daughter did this specifically because she does not know how to open up and instead left a cryptic note and the light on hoping it would catch your eye and you would discuss it with her.

I really don't understand how anyone would turn a blind eye to this.

You have already noticed a change in her behaviour so there is something going on.

You need to initiate a conversation with her.

I never understand parents who are paralysed by their own discomfort or the possibility of 'embarrassment' and can't even start a conversation with their kid.

There could be something serious in the background going on (bullying, problems with friends, even assault) and doing nothing would really be letting your girl down.

Better to check now than be sorry later on...

Talk to her, ask her about the note you saw. It's not like you've read her personal journal. It sounds like a cry for help.

If she didn’t want you to see it she’d have hidden it. I would also gently broach it with her

If it was private she would have his it so it's done to say that whilst cleaning her room you saw it and read it and it seemed like the lyrics had resonates with her and is there anything she wants to talk about.

I too feel like she wanted you to find it.

I did something similar when I was younger, I was 16 and just had sex with my first boyfriend, we were fairly sensible in that we used a condom but when he pulled it off it was ripped, we didn’t know when it ripped so I took the morning after pill. My mom was a sexual health nurse. I left the empty packaging in my bin, I wanted to tell her but couldn’t find a way to bring it up, she obviously saw it and spoke to me, I’m so glad she did. I also feel like a fool for not talking to her first but teenagers don’t always think rationally and it can be overwhelming.

As long as you are calm, not pushy, and allow your daughter a safe space to talk, then she will feel comfortable to communicate.

I would absolutely discuss it with her, I can't imagine not. 13 is so young and if she's been withdrawn since Christmas then something is likely bothering her.
If she left it by her light, and left the light on, maybe she hoped you would find it?
I would get some time alone with her and gently say that you weren't snooping but couldn't help but see the note and go from there. Even if she won't open up just let her know that you care and are there for her if she wants to talk.
It might be nothing but you do need to talk to her and find out.

OK, thanks everyone. I am hearing the concern that lots are expressing and, to be honest, that's validating my initial response to seeing the note. I was worried, then perhaps thinking I was reading too much into it. I'm going to talk to her tonight - have an initial, general conversation with her when she gets in from school. And then, when I say good night to her - we normally talk for longer then - I'll bring it up more explicitly. Thanks all for your support and gentle/not so gentle urging - it's appreciated.

Personally op as a teenager I would have hidden anything I didn't want my parents to see, knowing they'd be in my room. So if she's left it out and visible and knows you are likely to be in there then I'd speak to her directly about it. You don't need to be heavy about it, just say you were in opening curtains or whatever it was you were doing and when you went to turn off her light you saw the note and you just wanted to talk to her and find out more about it. Then ask her, what it is, if she wrote it, when she writes before what happened that she sees as changing things. I'd tell her you love her and care about her and you're always here to support her. Regardless of what she says I'd try to make more time to be available to her, going out together for walks or for a run in the car just the two of you for ice cream etc. It might be nothing, but if it is something then she's left it for you to find and might be really hurt if you don't address it with her.

Can you think of anything that might have been a big change for her around Xmas time or anything that might have happened around then that would fit what she's written?

Hi @stabledoor How did you get on?