Can we fix an unlikeable personality?

[newyorkbreakfast]

Sarcastic, derisive, dismissive, defiant, antagonistic with his parents, teachers and friends (DS13). Friends used to call for him to walk to school but that's stopped. He sees one friend occasionally at the weekend because the parents are friends and we organise it. But the boys usually fall out with each other. He won't talk about anything with anyone and withdraws into his gaming. I know he wants to be liked and belong and he is very loyal. But he struggles to maintain a civil relationship with anyone and drives them all away. This has always been the case through primary school as well.
Does some sport - not team - to keep fit but doesn't love it. Doesn't seem to have any passion and gives most things up. He has an ASD diagnosis but we have no support and I am not sure how to help, if indeed I can. He has unconditional love and a stable family but it's very draining and demanding dealing with the constant negativity and rudeness.
School is not great and there's little communication, just a load of behaviour points visible on the parent app.
Would love to hear from anyone in a similar position. Thanks.

Can he see a therapist who specialises in working with young people with autism? It sounds like he needs some kind of specialist support with his communication skills as well as with building and maintaining relationships.

@Whatapickle23 thanks so much for replying. I struggle to know where to even start with finding someone to help. He has had a private SALT assessment and has "moderate" difficulties. I could pay the therapist but she said he'd have to want to work with her. I'm pretty sure he would not agree to it.

Why is school giving him behaviour points? Surely that's not appropriate, most of the time? He has a disability, how are they accommodating his needs? Is there a lunchtime club at school that might cater to his social needs? When I was teaching (secondary) we had 'puzzle club' which had lots of board games, cards, puzzles etc, and it tended to be popular with the kids with ASD, as it made socialising more structured and easy to access. Some sort of lunchtime club might be helpful to him. School would be a good place to start. Contact the SENCO.

If you Google for child therapy in your town there might be a charity doing this work.

@PurpleOrchid42 thanks for the ideas. He would refuse to go, as any sort of lunchtime club for kids with SEN would be in his (roadman) words "dead". He'd be mortified at the idea of being singled out as he masks everything to the nth degree.

Behaviour points for failure to follow instructions, disrespect to staff...

He’s starting to recognise the difference between himself and his peers. Puberty is a really nasty business for autistic kids because our peers all advance into things often we weren’t quite ready for, or we just didn’t understand the new social rules and were constantly getting it wrong.

When the hormones settle, hoping there’s no lasting resentment against his peers, he’ll
find his people and usually start to catch up
socially- but it can and does take longer and you may find he’s at a stage younger than his own age group so befriends younger and older people. As long as he’s aware of relationship safety that shouldn’t be a problem.

Keep showing him love and offering him to be involved in family things. If he feels safe in time Hopefully he’ll be able to talk to you. He will trust a parent or sibling more than a therapist so brace yourself to be the therapist for a while until he’s ready perhaps to speak to others.

Your lovely son is in there but he needs to be the teenage monster for a while yet.

@dottieautie that's really helpful thanks. I hadn't thought about the maturity side of things. I am sure he has plenty of anxiety just unfortunately hasn't got the words or ability to express it so it's all pent up. It's hard to find a level with him.

The lunch clubs aren't specifically for SEN kids, not at all, they just tend to be more concentrated there, because it's more structured, so less difficult for them to navigate. You could just chat with the SENCO and find out what some of the other autistic kids do at lunchtime and see if you can get him to go there too? He may find them less complicated and easier to socialise with. He doesn't need to know that that's what you're asking him to do...