Hasn’t said I love you in several days

[AreTheyOrArentThey]

Talk me off the ledge. My 15yr old normally throws around I Love You like it’s hello or goodbye. We’ve been going through some trying times with gender identity and now self harm and I’m the default parent having difficult conversations. I still get hugs and laughs etc but he hasn’t told me he loves me in coming on for a week and it feels very noticeable. I’m just so sad about so many things at the moment and this is breaking me as it’s so new from him (and I’ve heard him tell his dad and sister he loves them)

If that’s all it takes to put you on the ledge then you must spend half your life on it OP! He’s a teenager, it’s normal.

have you said it to him?

Aren't teenagers more likely to say they hate you?!
Sorry op, no advice but sounds lkke he has got more on his mind atm.

My 15yr old normally throws around I Love You like it’s hello or goodbye.

So just a habit, rather than meaning anything ?

Can't say I'd be concerned.

I don't think my 15 yo has told me he loves me for years! Or hugged me! And I don't need him too. He knows I love him and I am here to support him and that's really all that matters. Don't read into it too much.

It sounds like he says it out of habit. Make sure you keep telling, and more importantly showing, him that you love him.

I’m not being nasty, I hope.. but maybe your fragility has had more of an effect on your DS than is healthy. Maybe you need to seek some help?
He still loves you but he’s growing up and changing. Most normal boys don’t throw “love yous” at their Mother constantly? Maybe one of his friends has mentioned it.

Throwing around “I love you” is definitely not really a significant comment though and not an indication of actual love. Sounds more like a power play and perhaps even a message that he thinks love is conditional to you agreeing with him and his view of the world. Maybe he needs to know that love is unconditional (within reason!) and being able to express and challenge personal views is part of a loving relationship.

This is exactly what I think is going on. I don’t think he doesn’t actually love me.

for those saying it’s normal sure it might be for most teenagers but it’s not for my teenager hence getting worried and being quite upset by it. It feels very pointed. This is a teenager who has no problem calling us mummy and daddy in front of friends still so not going to be swayed by friends not to say I love you.

my teenager is not a “normal” teenager in a lot of ways - some wonderful and some concerning so it doesn’t really matter what other teenage boys do or don’t do.

Well maybe his friends have commented on the mummy and daddy thing? That’s not normal
and he may well embarrassed now.
He will be more influenced by his peers than by you now anyway.
Just leave it if he seems otherwise ok.
One of my daughters has always ended any phone conversations with ‘love you, bye’- it’s just habit.

Why are people so surprised that a teenager will say 'love you' to a parent?

A recent conversation at home went
Me: DS1, if you are doing things with your airpods in all the time, how am I supposed to tell you what I want you to do?
DS1: love you!
DS2: what's that got to do with the price of eggs?
Me: Nothing, he just knows that the best way to keep a mother happy without having to actually interrupt the podcast you are listening to and listen to her is to tell her you love her. Isn't that right DS1?
DS1: love you!
DS2 and I start laughing.
DS1: what? what's going on?

My ds suddenly stopped saying I love you a short while after I split up with his dad. I found it upsetting but I'm fairly sure he does love me. Part of me is thinking his dad has said some mean things about me to him as dh was quite bitter, but I'll just keep on loving him and saying it.

They change very fast at that age. It can feel very painful when they start to break away and drop habits that they’ve been doing all their lives, but it’s just a normal part of the teenage rollercoaster. You’ll eventually reach solid ground again and establish a slightly different mature adult relationship.

I hear you op. My 3 have always been very affectionate and always say I love you. So when it stops it's unusual and a bit jarring, 15 is a funny age and there's a lot of power pressure for all sorts of reasons and gender identity thing can drive a wedge through the strongest parent/teen relationships (I went through it last year with DD).

There can very a pulling away so try to not read too much into it - keep saying it yo him regardless and without expectation and see how it goes.

@BigButtons it would be so helpful if you would stop passing comment on what you perceive to be “normal”. As I’ve said, my teenager in a lot of ways wouldn’t be what you call “normal” and thank god too but it very triggering considering other issues we are going through with them.

thanks for the kind responses, I’m not going to say anything of course, just needed some reassurance in the middle of a very difficult time

I get you, @AreTheyOrArentThey. My 15y/o isn't 'normal' and says 'I love you' multiple times and I'd notice if it suddenly stopped, particularly if it only towards me. I can't offer much advice other than to keep saying it yourself without expectation and keep communications going. Good luck.

it would be so helpful if you would stop passing comment on what you perceive to be “normal”. As I’ve said, my teenager in a lot of ways wouldn’t be what you call “normal” and thank god too but it very triggering considering other issues we are going through with them.

But you have asked, on the internet, in a section for parents of teenagers, for people to "Talk {you} off the ledge".
You need to make your mind up if you want other parents who are, or have been parents of teens to offer their thoughts or not, and if not, perhaps not ask on the internet.

Thankyou

My two sons (20 and 21) tell me they love me all the time, as do I them. We mean it every time. It doesn’t dilute with use.

There are a couple of other boards for SN Teens and LGBT+ kids, they're quieter but you'll probably find a more sympathetic crowd there.