Views on Partying etc

[Melapa]

I 45f have a son 18m, and DH 45m, we went on holiday last week, and found that DS had a party ...we have CCTV set up round the house and could see that DS had sneaked people into house.
DS was phoned and told this wasn't acceptable and to get people out of house and he should go to my mums until we returned from holidays

for context DS # working full time at min wage

Note we have had numerous issues with son since Sept...DH had a stroke last year ...son was dropped out of school in Sept as he hadn't done anything last year ...we agreed he would work full time, but then would seek an apprenticeship in January ((has refused to apply for apprenticeships/jobs). At start of Dec son messaged his employer saying he was sole carer, and couldn't work until December - he provided no care for DH, been coming in at 2am, 4 am and 6am. I work nightshift, and have seen times where I am out of bed before DS.

Agreement was for DS to pay "keep" of £50 per week, on coming back from holiday and realising he had 3+ parties he was asked for keep....note he had shown us all the clothes he had bought on our return

we arrived back on a thursday, he was asked for keep (£100 per 2 weekly pay)numerous times and refused to give it

On Monday I came off a nightshift at 7am, went to bed and got up at 3pm. DS was not out of bed. at 18:55 he got out of bed and got showered etc to go out with mates

DH handed me £30 and said that was rent from DS (two weeks keep at £50 per weeK), I asked where the rest was (£70 arrears and £50) short at that stage

was told that DS did not have it.

I was annoyed told DS he had to pay it ...leave the new clothes he had bought in the past week behind, and sort how he was going to pay. Told DS that if he wasn't going to pay he could find somewhere else to live

DS went to uncles house and has been there since.

DH refuses to speak to me ...saying we aren't in a relationship anymore ...I told him this was coming 2 years ago

DS’s uncle won’t tolerate this behaviour either for long. DS is fast burning bridges.

Give the situation time to settle down and if/when DS wants to return to your home, have a sit down with him before agreeing and ask him to talk about what he wants from life. No one has all the answers at his age, but generally we have some dreams (whether it’s to get a licence and drive a car, buy a house, go on holiday etc. He’ll want something). Set some ground rules and ask him to WhatsApp you anything you all agree on, to ensure it’s in writing and that he is truly listening and agreeing.

My DSS also messed around at school and at college and my DH and I had similar problems with his behaviour early on, when he came to live with us at 15 (and prior to that, hence the move). Getting a paid job was the making of him, as he had money to give him freedom. However, once we’d spoken to him about what he wanted, we then helped by helping him look for and apply for jobs. Without that help, I think he’d have been jobless and lazy for a long time.

You are right to put your foot down on him paying his way, but do also ensure that you’re offering him help to get him out of this hole he’s dug for himself.

Regarding DH, why is he angry with you? What does he see as the solution to this problem? Surely he doesn’t expect your DS to do nothing with his life and live off you both?

It's so difficult parenting teenagers. I am at my wit's end for different reasons. DS (16) went to an off licence to buy four bottles of beer with fake ID yesterday. I am livid about it, just the level of deceit alone. Raging.

He tried to deny drinking, but come on, you can smell it a mile off.

Hopefully your DS calms down at his uncle's, realises error of his ways and will pay due digs.