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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teens terrible behaviour and dh has cancer

23 replies

Fluffycloudsandsunshine · 24/01/2024 23:16

We have 2 dc’s - dd 14 and ds 16. The last year had been awful with regard to behaviour from both of them. Ds smokes weed which has had a terrible effect on his behaviour and metal health. We have tried so hard to put a stop to it and have social workers involved and drugs counselling. Dd has always been tricky but the teen years have really ramped her attitude up and she had terrible tantrums. 2 weeks ago my husband was diagnosed with cancer. I have told the children and we are awaiting a plan of prognosis and treatment. They seem Indifferent to the news and tonight have had a big bust up about a bloody spot cream. My poor husband looked absolutely drained as we tried to separate them. My husband nearly got his hand shut in the door. I tried to speak to my son but he said I’m guilt tripping him because I asked him to be a bit more considerate at the moment. I just don’t know how we have got into this mess. My husband and I never argue and both spend a lot of time doing things for others. It’s not fair on my husband to have face surgery and treatment in a house that is so awful right now. I just want a calm household where we can just focus on getting him better

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 24/01/2024 23:47

I'm so sorry your husband has cancer. What a shock for you and him. It's really terrible that you're too children are not stepping up to the plate at the moment. I just don't understand how they are behaving like that. is there anyone that they do listen to? Do you have any relatives who would take them in for a little while to give you both a break?

DuchessSuperFantastic · 24/01/2024 23:54

I feel for you and we have encountered family that has children like yours.
It is heartbreaking, hard and upsetting work that affects ones MH/health etc. And you OP, your DH, really sorry.

i don't know what to say - sadly it looks like there will be nothing you can do that will be seen as helpful.

Really, really sorry!!

Ladyj84 · 25/01/2024 00:01

What a shame at those ages they haven't learnt respect for parents and sure as heck should be showing more of it now

MariaLuna · 25/01/2024 00:15

I'd be confiscating their mobiles quite frankly.

Short sharp shock.

doyouwanticewiththat · 25/01/2024 00:19

So sorry you have had such a shock . Your children are probably in shock too and if they are difficult to begin with it's really going to be messing with their mental health and they have been plunged into a new reality . They are children . In this situation I'm not sure that ' stepping up to the plate ' should be what is expected of them . I have been in the same situation as a child . We were in shock but it was strange , like it wasn't really happening to us . They very probably don't understand the implications of your DHs illness and possible prognosis and very likely they don't want to think about it and are acting up . I know it's hard but open communication & patience are what's needed here .

doyouwanticewiththat · 25/01/2024 00:20

MariaLuna · 25/01/2024 00:15

I'd be confiscating their mobiles quite frankly.

Short sharp shock.

I really don't see how that is going to help the situation!

determinedtomakethiswork · 25/01/2024 00:21

They are not young children, they are 14 and 16 and all they have to do is to shut up and let their dad come to terms with his diagnosis. They're being very very selfish honestly, I would get very upset and angry with them each separately.

Wasywasydoodah · 25/01/2024 00:23

Oh, goodness, isn’t it so clear that the kids are acting out of fear? They’ll be scared their dad is going to be ill/worse. Arguments will escalate, behaviour will get worse. Everyone is under stress. You and DH will have fewer reserves to deal with it, shorter tempers etc. it’s shit for you all, but honestly, your teens might be adult sized but they don’t have adult thought processes yet. Don’t blame them or expect them to magically behave. Try to understand them instead. Use your professional support. Get family/friends to help. Acknowledge they’re prob scared. no easy answers but muddling through is often enough.

MCOut · 25/01/2024 00:29

I’m really sorry to hear about your husband OP, you’re having to go through this on top of it. Is there any way you can get them both into counselling?

You are completely right, you are going to need to make sure things are very calm. Cancer drugs can really impact mental health through hormonal changes and just making people feel like shit. You will both have much shorter fuses so they cannot be acting up. If you’ve never tried the tonne of bricks approach, maybe try it once and see what happens.

Grimchmas · 25/01/2024 00:30

I tried to speak to my son but he said I’m guilt tripping him because I asked him to be a bit more considerate at the moment

easy for me to say, I know, but I think I would have replied to that that yes you're darn right I'm guilt tripping you, you're behaving in a very self-centered way about something totally inconsequential while your father is dealing with a horrendous health diagnosis. That's utterly selfish behaviour and I didn't raise you to be so inconsiderate, I hope that you DO feel guilty for giving your father and I extra and totally unnecessary stress to deal with on top of his diagnosis. I hope that you actually do give a damn about your father's health and can see why I'm asking you to be more considerate.

IvysMum12 · 25/01/2024 00:35

Have you thought about asking the MacMillan Nurses for help and support?
They really are wonderful.
Your Oncologist or GP will give you contact details.
I do hope you and your dear husband find strength and tranquility at this very difficult time.
xx

doyouwanticewiththat · 25/01/2024 08:50

Contact Winston's wish to see what advice & support they can give your children

OrlandointheWilderness · 25/01/2024 10:02

It's not good, however they are still children and they have just been told their DF has cancer. Teenagers process stuff in really shit ways. I wouldn't be combatative about this tbh.

OrlandointheWilderness · 25/01/2024 10:02

Wasywasydoodah · 25/01/2024 00:23

Oh, goodness, isn’t it so clear that the kids are acting out of fear? They’ll be scared their dad is going to be ill/worse. Arguments will escalate, behaviour will get worse. Everyone is under stress. You and DH will have fewer reserves to deal with it, shorter tempers etc. it’s shit for you all, but honestly, your teens might be adult sized but they don’t have adult thought processes yet. Don’t blame them or expect them to magically behave. Try to understand them instead. Use your professional support. Get family/friends to help. Acknowledge they’re prob scared. no easy answers but muddling through is often enough.

This poster said it better than me!

MerryMarigold · 25/01/2024 10:14

I agree that they are probably trying to process it deep down. And muddling through is the best you can do right now.

Also, possibly (and I'm taking a wild guess here), that you and dh are very kind and have perhaps been too understanding and allowed even more than the usual teen entitlement to build up. Perhaps DH being at the centre of everything for a bit may be good to them.

In terms of behaviour. Whilst it's great to have sympathy for what they are going through, there still needs to be boundaries. Don't react in anger but there do need to be consequences for hitting each other or using abusive language. You don't need to fight every battle but you and dh agree what is not ok. I would even say the weed is less important than any violence or unacceptable name calling etc. Even 16yos want boundaries, especially if they are scared and the world around them seems to be crumbling.

MerryMarigold · 25/01/2024 10:16

Ps. Whilst all the posters are being sympathetic, I'm noticing the behaviour has been going on for much longer than the diagnosis so it's not just that causing them to act up.

MorningSunshineSparkles · 25/01/2024 10:17

I don’t agree that their behaviour is linked to their father’s illness if it started long before he was unwell. Unfortunately I don’t have any advice on how to deal with it aside from putting in consequences for their actions. Rather worrying neither of them have any kind of empathy though.

soupfiend · 25/01/2024 10:19

Wasywasydoodah · 25/01/2024 00:23

Oh, goodness, isn’t it so clear that the kids are acting out of fear? They’ll be scared their dad is going to be ill/worse. Arguments will escalate, behaviour will get worse. Everyone is under stress. You and DH will have fewer reserves to deal with it, shorter tempers etc. it’s shit for you all, but honestly, your teens might be adult sized but they don’t have adult thought processes yet. Don’t blame them or expect them to magically behave. Try to understand them instead. Use your professional support. Get family/friends to help. Acknowledge they’re prob scared. no easy answers but muddling through is often enough.

How does that explain their behaviour for the past year?

Alwaysalwayscold · 25/01/2024 10:24

What consequences do they face?

Fluffywhitecloudsinthesky · 25/01/2024 10:24

Teens don't always behave better when faced with illness in the family, initially they may behave worse! I think over time they will process this, and may eventually turn out to be quite considerate and helpful, but teens, even adult children, don't like it when the social order of the house is disrupted and they may end up acting out or storming out, just when you would like them to be the best version of themselves. I would do two things, one is get them some adult support from outside the home, whether through a local cancer charity, school counselling and so on. The second is, I'd call it as I see it if they are being obnoxious- don't guilt them and say 'your dad's got cancer' because that won't help, but it's fine to say- you know what, you are being provoking and I have other things on my mind, no I won't give you a lift if you are being a twat.

It will take a while for everything to bed down, and it will be disturbing and upsetting for them even if they don't say that out loud.

I would also try to get some support for yourself, as the one left dealing with everyone else, so therapy, cancer support, good friends, so you have a place to offload, and calm yourself (meditation, mindfulness, venting) rather than shouting at them.

My children have had to deal with this, and sometimes they've been kind beyond belief and other times they've been awful. They don't stop being teens because bad things are happening in the family unfortunately, but over time they can learn to rein it in and may even offer help/caring, although I've found that happened with later ages rather than 14/16.

ConciseQueen · 25/01/2024 10:36

Grimchmas · 25/01/2024 00:30

I tried to speak to my son but he said I’m guilt tripping him because I asked him to be a bit more considerate at the moment

easy for me to say, I know, but I think I would have replied to that that yes you're darn right I'm guilt tripping you, you're behaving in a very self-centered way about something totally inconsequential while your father is dealing with a horrendous health diagnosis. That's utterly selfish behaviour and I didn't raise you to be so inconsiderate, I hope that you DO feel guilty for giving your father and I extra and totally unnecessary stress to deal with on top of his diagnosis. I hope that you actually do give a damn about your father's health and can see why I'm asking you to be more considerate.

This.

Ohnoooooooo · 25/01/2024 10:50

My parents used to argue all the time and I was specifically attracted to my husband as we very rarely argue! But our twins were at each other's throats pretty much since the day they were born and its exculated in their teens.
Family therapist suggested part of the issue was because I hate arguing I have been trying to shut them down since they were little because they started to fight and I needed to let them argue constructively so they can learn how to resolve things. Plus since my hubby and I don't argue they don't have role models in resolution.
I think help them identify they signs they are about to get argumentative - are they moving their hands more, voices are getting raised etc - and encourage them to act like adults would in terms of resolving differences. I literally say to my kids ie "You have said X, and I felt like X but if you had of said it this way I would responded this way" sort of thing I drill home how charming people get more of what they want in life.
It sounds like they need help processing emotions - encourage them to walk away when they feel they are losing it. Treat this as an education on emotions rather than berating them as people.
Can I suggest your daughter is having sensory overload and needs to find ways to relax - a small indoor trampoline for one person might be good for her because rather than physically tantruming she could go jump on the trampoline to release pent up frustration and encourage her to shout and sing on the trampoline.

FutureUncertain · 25/01/2024 11:19

Wasywasydoodah · 25/01/2024 00:23

Oh, goodness, isn’t it so clear that the kids are acting out of fear? They’ll be scared their dad is going to be ill/worse. Arguments will escalate, behaviour will get worse. Everyone is under stress. You and DH will have fewer reserves to deal with it, shorter tempers etc. it’s shit for you all, but honestly, your teens might be adult sized but they don’t have adult thought processes yet. Don’t blame them or expect them to magically behave. Try to understand them instead. Use your professional support. Get family/friends to help. Acknowledge they’re prob scared. no easy answers but muddling through is often enough.

DH has terminal cancer, and I agree with all of this. Guilt tripping them really isn’t going to improve the situation either. I hope the surgery and treatment for your DH is successful and the DC are able to engage with some support to help them.
So sorry you are also dealing with this Flowers

signposting for help here.
https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/coping/mental-health-cancer/where-to-get-support/cancer-support-organisations/children-resources

young minds may be able to point you to further help.
https://www.youngminds.org.uk/

Resources to help you and your children when you have cancer

There are many resources and organisations available that can support you and your children. 

https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/coping/mental-health-cancer/where-to-get-support/cancer-support-organisations/children-resources

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