My 12 year old has changed since starting Secondary school

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My son has been going through a very tough time the past few months........he has literally changed completely since September.

He is rude, disrespectful to teachers, has been in trouble for fighting (I say fighting, the other child was trying to get away and my son followed and continued hitting him :( .....) he was excluded for a day last week, he is constantly in detention/LINK/isolation, I get emails or calls all the time, its relentless.

I thought he was just struggling to adjust to "big school" but his behaviour has become more aggressive and it's almost as if he is being resentful towards women in general.... (he is very respectful of the coach at the boxing class, his football coach, my brother, and his Grandad) and I only ever get reports from school of him being rude to females......... I booked for him to see a private counsellor as he said talking to someone might help- and she believes it may all be down to his Dad ceasing all contact several years ago... and the fact he has a new family (wife and 2 daughters) may be where the resentment to females is coming from.

My ex was insistent on us having a baby (I would have preferred to wait til we got married) but he kept on and on, his Dad was shite so he swore he was going to be the best Dad in the world- when we found out I was pregnant he went off the rails, out drinking every night, to the point where I packed a bag when I was 8 months pregnant. He convinced me to come back - I wish I hadn't! He was a lazy, half arsed Dad from day 1.

When DS turned 1 I had enough and left- he made all the "right" noises about how I wasn't taking his child away from him, so despite my family living 70 miles away, and having no support, I rented a house 5 minutes from him, and he saw DS regularly.... until he met his now wife. Fine at first, until she fell pregnant and suddenly he can't pay as much maintenance, he can't see our son as much. Days became weeks, sometimes he would go up to 4-6 weeks without seeing our son, I would beg him to keep the contact consistent so there wouldn't be any confusion, or jealousy over the new baby- (DS is about 3 by this time). By the time it came to DS starting Primary school, the contact was becoming less and less frequent or structured (basically they would announce when was convenient for him to go, no regard for our schedule and just expect him to slot in nicely) I discussed with him moving back to be near my family- I didn't want our son growing up in Manchester, and it broke my Mum's heart when we would leave after our visits. He was all for it and said all the right things again so in 2016 me and DS moved 60 miles away- we agreed to meet halfway every 2 weeks so he could see our son......Football games, his wife's revision, new baby poorly, moving house all became excuses not to see him- my son wasn't even invited to their wedding (where their daughter was flower girl) and I constantly said DS didn't enjoy the visits, as he didn't feel part of the family so maybe more frequent and consistent visits were needed, as he was clearly picking up on this and started to get upset more often an act up. Then, one weekend in 2017 he rang me before I even got home ans said "he hasn't stopped crying, he doesn't want to be here with us, he is a Mummy's boy!!!!!!!!! so come and pick him up..... and since then NOTHING. No birthday/Xmas cards/presents, no calls, no messages, NOTHING. New Years Eve that year, so about 6 months since any contact, DS asked to speak to his Dad, so we called (about 9pm so not super late), no answer, I messaged to say your son wants to speak to you.... he replied THREE DAYS later with "Sorry was asleep when you called", never tried to call back, nothing. So this May will mark 7 years since DS had any contact at all.

The only time I have seen him in almost 7 years is recently when I was sent a letter to attend a Child Maintenance tribunal.......because he is whining about how his case has been handled. The time and energy him and his wife have put into this is unreal (writing to MP's, writing complaint letters, going to the local media, researching other cases etc)- considering how little effort he has ever made with our son makes me want to punch him in the face. I don't think the outcome will provide him with any monetary compensation if it's found they handled it badly- but he feels like he has been treated "unfairly"- well suck it up buttercup- I am now dealing with the fallout from your selfish behaviour.

Now DS is 12, moved to Secondary school in September and is MISERABLE. He is constantly in trouble, rude to teachers, has been excluded once already, on report etc..... I am paying for a private counsellor and she thinks this sudden change in behavior is all as a result of his Dad's complete abandonment (they also recently had another baby)..... it makes me so angry that he just decided that it was getting a bit tough, and just washed his hands of any responsibility..... I don't know if his wife has had a part to play in this (I mean, what woman in her right mind would marry and have 2 kids with a man who could abandon his first child so willingly?) so either she controls him and he is so gutless he couldn't say no to her, or she is completely oblivious and he has lied about everything (blaming me perhaps, saying I stopped contact? I haven't changed my number since me and him were together, have the same email address, am on Facebook and LinkedIn so would be super easy for him to "track me down" if I had been the one to stop contact), so I am inclined to believe she has had a hand in this...... which makes me sick. I had to sit feet away from them both at the CMS tribunal and she was SO outspoken, I think she definitely wears the trousers- and when I spoke and said I had only had a few pounds in maintenance in 2 years from him, she sat there violently shaking her head, implying I was lying!!

Genuinely gutted my poor lad is going through this- it makes me sick to think how he must feel- he is clearly angry and doesn't know how to deal with it, and I have always said to him if he ever wants to contact his Dad that will always remain his choice, I have never slagged his Dad off, and if when they are older he wants to contact his half-sisters, again that is completely his choice.

Why is it that when a man decides the going is getting a little too tough they just up and leave, if I were to do this now, because the going is getting VERY TOUGH, I would be the worst Mum ever..... but all I ever hear is "oh well that's men for you"!!!!!!!

Long post, apologies but I am so frustrated, angry, upset, confused everything! My boy is hurting and it apparently is all down to the w@nker of a "Dad" of his- I wish I could cause him some of the pain my son is feeling!!!!

Sorry you’re having such a tough time with your son.

As I remember it twelve was a weird year in this family as well - in our case gaming rather than fighting - but very much what you say about it's almost as if he is being resentful towards women in general. Previously lovely boy became completely monstrous for about a year - then sort of sloughed off his child skin as he became a teen. Much more independent and needed different handling, but more recognisable.

Sorry, that’s mostly rambling but essentially, in addition to the rejection from his father, he’s being twelve - and it won’t last forever.

I’m sorry your son is having such a hard time.
too often it’s the kids that live with consequences of their parent’s behaviour.

you sound like a very caring and thoughtful mum. You cannot make up for his fathers inability to parent him. You’re probably in for a tough few years…

how to mitigate?
firstly I’d speak to the school and explain his struggles - not to excuse his behaviour but to demonstrate your support for their policies - you’ll need them onboard. I’d speak to the pastoral team and the Head, they need to see his acting up in context.

then I’d speak to your boy - only you know the extent to which he’s capable of adult conversations. I’d explain that although his father undoubtedly loves him, at this point he may not be able to the best dad etc. ‘We’re all human’ etc.

then I’d do all I could to build his confidence in himself and find ways for him to succeed so that his fathers inattention, although hurtful, bothers him less. Do all you can to praise and support the smallest thing, and be prepared to ignore bad behaviour that you suspect comes from his struggles.
you need to nurture and strengthen the best possible relationship you can with him to help him through the next few years, which are tough for the most settled kids.

oh and finally, for your own sanity, find a way of getting rid of some of your own anger - whilst understandable, it won’t help either of you. Oh and as a pp said, it won’t last forever.
Good luck.

Thank you- it's so heartbreaking to see the sudden change. I am under no illusions that he is going to remain a sweet and polite boy forever, and the "Kevin & Perry" moment was imminent! Just SUCH change in SUCH a short period.... really hoping the counselor can get something out of him later, this will be his 3rd session and she wants him to go it alone without me there, so if there is something hiding that he is either embarrassed or scared to tell me, hopefully he will confide in her, and even if I never hear what it is, that she can help him deal with it :)

Hmm … I wonder if a male counsellor might not have been a more effective strategy?

Only because both reading and experience indicate that boys of this age do genuinely lose respect for women as a whole. It’s all part of trying to separate themselves and carve out a masculine ideal.

no help here but I hope someone here can give help, I really believe there’s a reason behind all behaviour shit and I hope you get to the bottom of it and something gets sorted

Thankyou, I have been in and spoken to the Head of Year, and also emailed pastoral and explained everything to them, and they have put a learning plan in place, so all teachers are aware and that they are sure to try and help in any way. He really struggles to focus on things, unless it grabs his attention straight away, and he admits he often "zones out" in class when bored. He also admits to being the class clown, and when asked why he feels he needs to be the class clown, he says because I get attention. He is SUPER bright, maths he is insane when he gets his head down and focuses- I guess he just needs to learn some strategies to focus because he is extremely capable, its not like the work is too hard and he can't cope.
There was the fighting incident, he initially said when asked how he was feeling during and after hitting this other boy he said he "didn't now" or "couldn't remember" but when asked again later he said he was angry, and he did it because the boy is a habitual liar (apparently tells tall tales about drinking a bottle of whiskey, and another i time said he pushed his friend onto the motorway "for a laugh") and my son doesn't like liars- so again, maybe something in that- not liking people who are deceptive, like his Dad.
Yeah we speak alot, him and I have a very close relationship, and he does alot of activities, he seems to thrive on challenges and is very sporty, he does handball, football, rugby, Scouts, and boxing, so has plenty of stuff to get him out and about- as I find his attitude improves no end when he is occupied and not moping in his room :)

Has he been introduced to Andrew Tate? Lots of boys at my DD's school idolise him.

I did initially think about that- but he has had 2 sessions with this lady and she is really good, I pictured him sitting there, hood up, eyes down, slouched in the chair and alot of "I dunno's" and shoulder shrugging, but he has amazed me, he is really engaging with her, keeps eye contact etc- and seems to come out of the sessions with a positive attitude.
He has always had females in his life more than males generally (all female staff at nursery, all his primary teachers until his last year were female, obviously I was his main carer pretty much from birth, he is very close with my Mum), but we are seeing more strong male characters coming into his life recently (football coach, boxing coach etc) and he does seem to show them alot more respect......

I was going to suggest this too, might be worth doing a dive on any social media he uses. There’s quite a big incel movement and the problem with social media is if he watches or engages with any videos the algorithm will send him more of the same, so it becomes abit of an echo chamber