Tips for dealing with this please - the thing I've been dreading the most

[TheLaughOfRustyLee]

Single parent, widowed so no dad to ask for support , so I could do with some friendly advice on this from parents that have successfully dealt with it.

An hour ago I walked in to my DS 14's room and instead of reading before bed he's on his phone. I took it downstairs and unlocked it to turn it off, and there it is, Porn Hub, with some young woman being compromised by two men - it looked very unnatural and uncomfortable.
I went back up and said we need to chat. He says I know. I explained that the woman in the film did not look like she was in any kind of control over what was going on and that this was definitely not what sex looks like. I also said that just by watching it he could be contributing to women and girls being put into difficult and abusive situations. I didn't want to go on and on about it as he looked very embarassed.

He removed it from his phone and said sorry. I said I love you and he's asleep now.

What else do I need to do, say to help him understand the murky world that is porn and what can I do to stop him accessing it from his phone again?
I thought I already had strict protection via the wifi hub but perhaps this is coming through via the data allowance on his phone?

Being idealistic I'd rather he decided not to access it rather than me ban it - but he is only 14 and I want to protect him from nasty web sites as much as I can.

I'll definitely bring it up with him again after school tmrw but I want to be prepared

Any advice very welcome.

It's so tricky, I'm not sure what advice to give other than the fact he will access this again, under your roof or out and about and given your approach will be able to make his own judge and thoughts.

Is so sad that it's easy to access now and hope more posters will be along soon with some advice.

I think you handled it well. Encouraging reflection is usually more successful than chastising.

I’m not sure if I’d mention it again yet. If I did, I think I’d perhaps start with ‘I wondered if you’d had a chance to think about the concerns I raised…’

Realistically this stuff is all around our kids, all of the time. I’m trying to approach it with education, encouraging my boys to think of the people in these videos as individuals and use it as an opportunity to talk about genuine consent vs desperation, coercion and mental health. I have no idea if that’s the best approach though.

Thanks @whyamiawakestill

I've just been reading the Defend Young Minds website and there is some useful advice there. I just want to get it right as it's such a shocking area nowadays.
I almost wish it was still the dirty mags under the mattress era - at least access was more limited back then, or at least it seemed it.

I know @PixiePirate , it's probably everywhere - there's probably kids at school with it on their phones. It's shocking really that there's not more restrictions in place overall.

I'm going to keep the conversation open and bring it up every now and again so he can discuss it. The last thing I want is him becoming insular and secretive - inevitable with teens I guess but I'll see how it goes.

Discussion the human issues involved is definitely a good conversation I can have with him.

We've gone for radical openness about the sex industry, porn and exploitation. We watched a number of documentaries about it, including Louis Theroux, and a BBC one about women being trafficked from Romania.

I'm not sure the 'porn is evil' approach works without the context of the sex industry and everything that goes on in there. But when you actually take the time to look at that, it's hard not to feel disgust.

Have taken the same approach to drugs, btw. At home it's not 'don't do drugs because they are bad for you' but 'don't do drugs because it's not OK to participate in that trade given the effects it has on the countries where it is produced and the people involved in distributing them'. There's some pretty hard hitting documentaries about that too.

Yes I want to be open about it too @CatherinedeBourgh . The initial shock is wearing off now. It was a sudden 'end of innocence' moment, yet in reality he may have accessed this for months for all I know.

It's not the end of innocence either, I've talked myself round. He probably just wants to know what the whole big deal about sex is. I probably was the same at his age but we had eurotrash and other odd Ch4 programmes which were pretty explicit that I'd watch in secret just out of curiosity.

I think being frank and understanding is going to be the approach I'll try.

Arghh. Why now?! I was just getting my head round getting his homework schedule on track.

Every new thing seems to throw up a 'critical point' that needs focusing on with kids!

My DS found this about 11, around the time he discovered masturbation. had an awful few months but again, I didn't want to send the message that sex is shameful or dirty, just that there are appropriate times and being discreet is a thing. With porn, I agree that what is available now is so much more extreme and easily obtained. Sending the message that what they are seeing is nothing like real relationship sex is probably the most important thing and I like the idea of showing him Louis Through..he's done quite a few can think of on the industry and, whilst it isnt a comfortable watch you don't see any actual porn. Op it is disturbing and harder without a dad around for a man-to-man type chat. They will likely do this at school in y11 or so, in PSHE. I teach it and the naive views are quite interesting . They may have seen stuff but they don't understand it.

The nature of modern porn is extreme and horrific. Have you blocked it on all routers and his phone? I would absolutely not shame him for being curious but the harder it is to access the less of it he will watch

The evidence shows that watching a lot of porn before you have sex in real life is not good for the developing teen brain

Tricky situation… lots of teenagers will just watch porn, he might be being influenced by classmates and friends… I say you handled it brilliantly, if it happens again perhaps restrict his phone usage as he is perpetuating the view that women = submissive, which is incredibly harmful (to him, the women in the videos, and anyone he is in a future relationship with). Well done, sounds very tough to deal with ❤️

This is my expertise area.

First of all avoid all shame. It is normal to be curious but he needs all the information to make an informed choice about his body, mind and morals. He needs to understand the science of his brain. How porn rewires his brain. How it lights up the same as cocaine. It sounds like you approached this in a great way.

Here come some resources

Your brain on porn.org - particularly the accounts of young teenagers suffering pied
Ted bunch man box
The porn paradox
Pbse podcast
Omar minwalla integrity abuse - secret sexual basement
Fight the new drug

There are a million podcasts and resources but it's very much hushed up because porn creates a lot of money for the right greedy high up people they don't want to ban it but honestly it's a new pandemic coming. They actually employ psychologists to give tips on how to make the porn more addictive certain angles sounds lighting colours all sorts it's mad.

Talking about feelings and emotions him learning integrity empathy. Learning it's a dangerous path to start objectifying people to just body parts. Unlearning entitlement.
Understanding his body doesn't need to ejaculate blue balls is a myth.
What he does ejaculate to is very important. Healthy would be to the sensation. Unhealthy stimulus would be porn where its likely to become more extreme more taboo.

Porn is literally ruining so many peoples lives. But all he will hear from friends men and other friends dad's is it's normal no harm ect. So he will need to find a forum and safe space to discuss how to start a recovery from porn. Do you know how long he has been viewing?

There is a app for this called relay its not something I've looked too indepth at so might want to check it out. Counselling and journalling thoughts feelings would help. If he feels he has an addiction. To test this can he go 3 months without porn and mastsurbation? Then their are lots of tools to help him break this cycle and start to learn healthier ways.

I'll be back with more resources I'm sure. Or feel free to ask me any questions.
I have 3 boys eldest 9 and we are already discussing some of this.

I counsel men of all ages including teenagers wanting to commit suicide because of what porn addiction/sex addiction/ compulsive sexual behaviours have done to their lives.

It's incredibly sad but there is hope.
You have a massive advantage starting early with help and support.

Thanks everyone
and thanks for the resources @MightyGoldBear

He's only looked once or twice he said. He's quite an open lad and is comfortable chatting to me about it and discussing how a lot of porn dehumanises people and can often be the tail end of a lot of harm, abuse and illegal activity.

I'm doing it in steps so we're talking about it a little every few days when something related comes up.

I know it sounds odd but I'm now actually glad I caught him doing this at 14, after what you've said Goldbear - imagine he managed to hide it for years and it had already become an ingrained habit! A lot of damage could be done - you can get through a lot of porn in just a few hours - I keep saying to him 'once you've seen something you can't unsee it - the image can stay in your head forever'. He obviously wants to see what sex is and what it looks like - is there ever a legal and harmless way for a teen, under 18, to see what normal sex looks like? Or is porn really the only thing available?

It's also really hard to talk to teenagers about the dangers of porn if they've never actually seen any. It's very hard to describe quite how brutal, clinical, staged and degrading to women porn is if someone's never seen it.

I'm really trying to see the silver lining in discovering he has accessed it!!