Abusive teenager relationship

[mumofblu]

I've posted so much about this
I thought it was finally over . Now I have that horrible feeling of dread again .

My DD started seeing a boy same age both 13 in school together .
He doesn't come from a good family , that itself doesn't bother me , but he has anger issues ( she told me this ) he's regularly out of school due to behaviour which appears to be calling teacher's derogatory names , disruption , fighting or simply just walking out .
I tried to give him a chance , invited him in the house etc . But my DD got in a state , running away to try and find him when he was sending pictures of him with others , bruises on her , so much .
She had counselling as she took an overdose , school were fully informed and told me to watch him with her .
His dad is violent towards him apparently and because the police called at their house when she ran to be with him his dad doesn't want them together and s threatened my DD . His dad has been in prison .

Anyway they have been on and off for 3 years
I have wiped her tears when he's hurt her , I and others ( teachers, my friends etc ) have talked about healthy relationships , her dad and me are good and live married to each other . He works away but when he's home he's involved . Our DD has many hobbies , sports and a weekend job . She is 16 now and always worked hard at school , gets good grades , likes school .
She is not staying at school six form as the school have advised her to go somewhere else / fresh start away from this boy , she's excited by this .

Before Xmas she was sent home from school in a taxi , school told me the boy was seen on cctv assaulting our DD and she was very upset . She told me that although they arnt together he was angry about her being asked out by another boy , she told me he frightened her because he was going to hit her .

I reminded her that he had promised never to hit her like his dad hits his mum . And he had broken that .

He was removed from school for two weeks but back in school now .

She's just asked me if she can go out and see him tonight . I've said no , it's dark

When I've said no before she ran away

I'm really scared that this is going to escalate again

Have you/the school reported him to the police?

I was in an abusive relationship from the age of 15 to 17. My parents wouldn’t allow him in the house and ultimately banned me from seeing him. It just meant that I saw him in secret and it almost romanticised the relationship. I also wasn’t able to confide in them.

I eventually got out of the relationship when he dumped me. I pined for him for months. I was utterly heartbroken. I met someone else though and after only a few dates it was like a lightbulb had been switched on. Dickhead ex tried to wriggle his way back in, but I ignored him. It felt strange at first in my new relationship as I was respected and treated like an equal. The relationship grew from strength to strength and we’re still together 25 years later!

Hopefully your daughter sees the light soon! You sound like a supportive parent who only wants the best for your daughter. This must be so hard for you.

Thankyou so much@Onehappymam

It's great to hear you escaped and have gone on to meet someone who values you . It's all I want for my DD .

I think she does romanticise over him , he gives a good story .

I have had to ban him because he wouldn't leave on one occasion and I think I would be in trouble with school and social services if I was seen to be enabling him by letting him in . It's only 8 weeks since he was seen assaulting her in school , the teacher who viewed it / stopped it said it was disgusting .

But somehow he's turned it around again and he's back in favour . I feel
like an absolute failure that I can't find the thing that makes her stop allowing him to abuse her .

The school should surely have called the police ? Sounds like a nightmare situation for you all.

This sounds awful OP. Agree he should be reported to the police for assault and coercive control. Your poor DD can’t handle this and school are being useless - he needs arresting not some half-arsed suspension.

Write down every instance of what he’s done, get any photos you have of bruises etc and talk to police asap. Get him removed - it’s not one incident it’s 3 years of abuse.

@RollOnSpringDays
I spoke to the school and they said it was a parents decision . Police didn't tend to get involved in schools ?

We didn't report it because she begged me to just leave it . I thought that was the final thing that would finish them and things got so bad before with police and social services I didn't want to return to those days of her not trusting us .

@MrsTwatInAHat
I don't think police can remove him
In 4 months she'll have her exams and will hopefully move into a different environment and away from him .

In your shoes I’d still make a list of everything that’s happened with as much evidence as you can, and you have the teacher as a potential witness too and maybe others - and call 101 to talk about it to the police and ask if they can do something as you’re really worried about her safety.

Thankyou
I have photos of bruises , screenshots of messages and showed everything to social worker ( who is no longer involved )

I just can't get my head around why he was allowed back in school ?

I just can't get my head around why he was allowed back in school ?

I think in these situations schools don't want to have a record of police involvement that shows they're not managing behaviour well, but why they wouldn't exclude him permanently after that I can't imagine. You could also go to them and say you need him to be excluded for your DD's safety. It's up to you if you want to apply any pressure but you could mention that they are failing in their duty of care and you are intending to ask the police about that as well as about what to do about the boy. (Which you should do too.)

A school near me was successfully sued for not protecting a teenager from bullying so it can be done.

I’m so sorry OP, what a difficult situation.

i wonder if there is a young persons IDVA (domestic violence support worker) she can be referred to? If you are in the South West then I think Fearfree run this service. Might be worth trying.