11 year old struggling

[haye2512]

Hi everyone
Looking for advice my 11 year old started secondary school in September ,since day one we have had major issues ,he says school is ruining his life ,daily i have a battle getting him to school ,he has been off so many times ,he constantly has something wrong with him the night before school ,as in tummy ache ,headaches etc ,i picked up on a few things and spoke to the senco lady at his school and she believes he could be on the autistic spectrum ,adhd and sensory ,i have spoke to camhs after the school did a referral and they are sending the screening pack ,i feel awful sending and making him go to school in such a state and he has bad anxiety also ,thinking he is stupid and struggles to do the work ,he doesnt want to go school ,am i being unkind sending him and putting him through this ,i am just not sure i can cope with home school as i have a 8 year old also that picks up on the eldest
Daily i end up in tears once he eventually goes into school ,the school have been pretty good but that doesnt help how he feels ,once he was so upset about going he saod he wanted to kill himself that broke my heart ,i just worry not being in a school environment that he will miss out socially ,as its a new school and new area ,he has made some friends
Any advice would be very much appreciated x

You must be really worried.
I think the first priority is his mental health. If it has got to the stage he is talking about killing himself then you need to focus on that. Don't worry about the social life aspect just now as that's secondary to health. It does matter long term, but first priority is how he is in himself.

Have you been to the GP? Speak to them ASAP.

The CAMHS wait could be very long. Can you go to school today and ask for more support from them?

I know on the SEN board here there are some experienced posters who have been through this sort of situation with their own children.

The school have put quite a lot in place for him ,its just the total fear of going to school ,also had 2 boys bullying him before Christmas ,calling him horrible names ,which i believe is sorted now ,i have spoke to the GP 3 times regarding this and they basically said that they couldnt do nothing due to his age and speak to the senco team at school ,so it was a complete waste of time and feeling helpless about it all ,i dont want to force him to school knowing its causing this much problems ,they do say when he is there and done the initial going in he calms down ,but hate worrying how he is doing and him being stressed all day x

How do i find the sen board please x

What have the school put in place to help him? Is there a room he can go to if he can't face being in class?

@haye2512

This started with my DD around 12. I really feel for you. Mine was diagnosed with ASD at age 15. Apologies in advance for the long post but it's a subject very close to my heart!

By far the greatest support I found was the Facebook group 'not fine in school' - it's a private group and worth joining Facebook for even if you are not on it. The other reason why I found it so valuable is because despite having lovely friends around me - I had none with these problems. Their kids were thriving at school and understandably they found it hard to relate. It's a very isolating position to be in. You will find plenty of people in exactly your position on there and lots of solitary. Another great one is 'parenting mental health'

I felt that I could relate to so many parents and DCs stories on there. Invaluable for advice and so much support. I can't comment on your DS but many of the kids struggling with school are autistic (but in many ways present as neurotypical) .

Follow up with CAMHS, push for all of the support you can get (it really helps to build up a good relationship with your SEN person. Heads of year I found less tolerant of absences ) and I would also talk to your SEN person about them applying for an EHCP. If they won't do it then apply for one yourself. There is tonnes of into on that on Not fine in school.

If a child is really struggling and your gut is telling you it's making him really miserable but he's still going in then that's a tricky one. I had no choice really as my DDs school anxiety resulted in her not being able to go into school for 2 years in total. I tried everything to try and get her in for the first few months but it just didn't work. She desperately wanted to but couldn't (there is a very good book about this called Can't not Won't)

Despite much of society and school telling you that education is the number 1 most important thing - in these situations it's not.

If a young person's mental health is being affected by school and nothing changes with the home or school setting then it often gets worse.

Try and address this early (which you are doing ). It's incredibly hard. I feel like my DD (and I) lost 2/3 years of our lives as she / we struggled so much. The whole year she had off was for to autistic burnout - I didn't even know she was autistic at the time. It all clicked into place when she was diagnosed.

She is in 6th form now and things are still up and down but she's in a much better place mentally.The school system is not right for so many poor young people..

I feel for you and know exactly what you are going through.

Hi Op - I have a year 7 boy - but I also have a 9 year old who is a school refuser and is autistic! So I hear it from all sides.

Please listen to your child and your instinct - you know this isn't right. I hear a lot of moaning from my 11 year old boy about secondary school - its shit for them at first. BUT it's a totally differnt situation for my 9 year old - she really really cannot cope daily and is on a reduced timetable.

are you absolutely sure the school is the best place for your son? If he is autistic or on the pathway then normal day to day school - without bulllying/ or any other challenges - will be exhausting for him.

I would want to be absolutely sure there were no additional barriers and that the school had got a very specific time table for him with breaks/ support from a named adult.

He will end up burnt out if you don't get this support..

I would not hestitate to keep him off school while you tell the school this needs to be in place = I have fought this battle and schools NEED to get kids in so if you say actually he won't be in as the support isn't there, they may listen more.

Could you give him some time off to try and sort things out and let him recover for now. what alternatives are there to home school? have you looked at smaller schools locally?

If you have local facebook groups for autism families you will find a lot of people with additional info

I will be honest - forget the GP there is f-all they do. My daughter has self harmed, thrown knives at us - drunk medicine to try and get out of school - this is at 8 years old - the GP told us honestly that there is nothing they can do. She has been on the waiting list locally for specific counselling for well over a year. The GP even sent an urgent referral and it was sent back - nothing we can do to speed this up.

If you can afford private help I highly recommend getting an occupational therapist to meet your son and write a report about his sensory needs - he doesn't need a diagnosis for this. It was really helpful.

I also sadly suggest that if you can afford the 2 grand cost go private for his diagnosis or you will waste years of your life and his.

Thank you for all your messages ,i will definitely join the facebook page and have a look ,it feels so lonely when this is all new to me and trying to get the support ,at school the key stage lady collects him amd takes him to a room to calm himself down ,then if there is a particular lesson he struggles with he can sit in this room and do some work on a laptop ,he also has a time out card so he can leave any class for 5 mins to have a break if things are getting to much ,in a ideal world i would home school him but realistically i am not sure how it would work ,if it would take all the stress away he has i would definitely consider it ,does anyone know if they can rejoin when he moves up a year ,could you explain what EHCP is please as i have not heard of it x

I second requesting an EHCNA. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use.

An EHCP is a legal document that sets out a child’s needs and the support they require. It can include MH support DC wouldn’t otherwise get, therapies without the need to sit on the normal waiting lists, and, if necessary, education outside of a mainstream school. The EHCNA is the needs assessment you first request.

In the meantime, if DC can’t attend school the LA has a duty to ensure they receive a suitable full-time education. IPSEA also has a model letter for this.

An EHCP is for a child who needs specific provision because of additional needs - you don't need an autism diagnosis to get one BUT they are difficult to get and many people I know had to use lawyers to take council to court to finally get them.

So - it won't be an easy step. It sounds as though the school are doing some things - can your son pinpoint where it's difficult - is it noise/ the social pressure / smells/ sounds? A lot of issue for neurodiverse children are sensory.

Could you request a reduced timetable - this has been a major help for my child.

She has a day off midweek and while it has not resolved the school refusal entirely - she is definitely in a calmer state overall I think less dysregulated generally.

If they say no you could state that for his MH you are going to keep him off on wednesdays for example - you can then show your son you are listening and ask him to try and also tell you waht else might help

Home school may not be your only option if there are other smaller schools nearby.

It is perfectly possible to get an EHCP, including if you have to appeal, without representation.

Part-time timetables should not be used long term. They should be short term aimed at reintegration. After that DC should be in school full time or alternative arrangements made instead of school or as well as part time school. The only exception is when full-time education (which is not the same as full-time school) in any form not in the child’s best interests due to their health. Since no other provision or support has even been considered or tried this won’t apply to the OP.

School can be an absolute form of torture for some young people, it doesn't mean they are a failure or lacking, but school at this stage no longer works for them.
Panic and anxiety are the last things you want to be inflicted with at this age and in a school environment that offers no privacy. It's especially hard for young males to admit to their friends they are struggling. It's just another huge pressure on top of everything else.
I would personally draw a line under school, you tend to find these issues just get worse and a lot of the so called coping mechanisms don't work. You can waste a lot of valuable time, home education is easily accessible, all the information is free online, and there are other options such as going to college further on down the line.
It can be quite scary deregistering a child from school but it can also open up a lot of new doors also.
Most young people are able to turn things around as they enter their late teens, It's just finding a different route for now. There is so much misunderstanding in relation to school anxiety, it is never a choice, no young teenager wants to be out of school and this alone adds a lot of distress to an already stressful and difficult situation.
My son was de registered at 13, now 18 and attending Uni later on in the year, he is a completely different person to when he was struggling with school and he has since said his wanting to commit suicide was very real. He couldn't see a way out which is heart breaking as apparent to hear.

Sorry that should have said which is heart breaking to hear as a parent.

@SearchingForSolitude on what basis are you saying part time school should be only used to lead to full time? A flexi timetable which wr have agreed with the council is working very well for my child. There should be flexibility not rigidity when it comes to supporting nd children

While the assessments etc is going on in the background, I suggest you try a few methods to support anxiety.

Rescue remedy for kids, meditation, yoga, music, exercise basically anything that will help break the cycle. At the very least they give tools to help him.

My eldest had a bit of a struggle with anxiety and found the above helped. I hope it helps your son.

on what basis are you saying part time school should be only used to lead to full time?

@waterrat I did not say this. Did you miss where I said “or alternative arrangements made instead of school or as well as part time school”? To say I posted “should be only used to lead to full time” is plain incorrect.

I said part time timetables should be short term aimed at reintegration. After that DC should be in school full time or alternative arrangements made instead of school or as well as part time school. The only exception is when full-time education (which is not the same as full-time school) in any form not in the child’s best interests due to their health. Because this is what the government attendance guidance and the guidance on educating those unable to attend school state.

”All pupils of compulsory school age are entitled to a full-time education. In very exceptional circumstances, where it is in a pupil’s best interests, there may be a need for a temporary part-time timetable to meet their individual needs. For example, where a medical condition prevents a pupil from attending full-time education and a part-time timetable is considered as part of a re-integration package. A part-time timetable should not be used to manage a pupil’s behaviour.
44. A part-time timetable must only be in place for the shortest time necessary and not be treated as a long-term solution. Any pastoral support programme or other agreement should have a time limit by which point the pupil is expected to attend full-time, either at school or alternative provision. There should also be formal arrangements in place for regularly reviewing it with the pupil and their parents. In agreeing to a part-time timetable, a school has agreed to a pupil being absent from school for part of the week or day and therefore must treat absence as authorised.”
And
”Local authorities must arrange suitable full-time education for children of compulsory school age who, because of physical or mental health illness, would not receive suitable education without such provision.
Where full-time education would not be in a child’s best interests for reasons relating to their physical or mental health, local authorities must arrange part-time education on whatever basis they consider to be in the child's best interests.”

There is flexibility in that all DC are legally entitled to (and the LA has a duty to ensure those unable otherwise attend school full-time receive) a suitable full-time but the form that takes can be whatever is suitable. It allows for where full-time school is not appropriate. It also allows for the small minority of cases where full time provision in any form isn’t in the child’s best interests.

LAs act unlawfully all the time, just because they agree (of course they do, the alternative requires them to spend money) to it doesn’t make it lawful!

Flexi-schooling is completely different and is not the same as a part time timetable or part time education.

Hello, I have been through this with my son, it's so tough. If you think he is autistic I would suggest trying to reduce the demands on him however you can. Find out what the worst parts of his day are - if it's PE for example, agree he won't attend PE for now. At break and lunch, is there somewhere quiet he can go? Can he take a packed lunch to avoid the canteen?

If he's really struggling then give him some time off school to recover.

Does he have friends at school? Ask the school to support him for example by making sure he is always with a friend in lessons, and if he's accessing a quiet space at break times, let him take a couple of friends with him. Having a couple of good friends can really help them get through the tough bits.

Have you been referred to CAMHS? Either your GP or school should be able to do that, and make sure they know he has talked about suicide. The waiting list is v long, but just being on the list gives you some clout with school etc.

I found the charity young minds very helpful for advice on how to deal with suicidal thoughts and they also gave me a free session with a psychotherapist when things were really bad.

I’ve been in same situation and we tried everything in year7, with lots of adjustments just about coped but behaviour at home was very poor as they just so overwhelmed by coping at school. We are now home educating as we ran out of options. We are now in a recovery phase from autistic burnout and slowly getting our child back. Have a read of Dr Naomi Fisher and missing the mark. Your not alone and our education system is falling apart but there are so many resources for supporting a child at home now please have the courage to follow your child’s lead they are like the canaries in the coal mine of our failing mainstream schools.