How can I get him to engage

[lemonsaretheonlyfruit]

Hi. I have a 16 year old DD and a 14 year old DS.

DS is doing ok at school (a few detentions and a meeting with the school recently) , nice lad, plenty of friends etc. has always enjoyed football - plays every lunchtime at school but only in the playground. Also used to go to tennis lessons and got good at that - but then he got too old for the group and I took too long to find an older group and by the time I did he wasn't interested.

But essentially he does nothing apart from go to school and hang around with his mates - this is by far the most important thing to him. I know how important it is for them to have at least one hobby/ sport/ interest (besides gaming - this is on and off) to keep them out of trouble, but he's reluctant.

He was keen to join the football team a couple of his mates are in so I put his name down on the waiting list last Feb .I haven't been able to get him to do anything in the meantime.

I had a call from the team manager yesterday and they have asked him to go along for a trial next Saturday. Finally!!

I haven't mentioned it yet as I need to wait for the right moment. But I think I know what the answer will be already.

I have tried (in the last couple of months) :

Ok so you have your D of E coming up and you need to learn a new skill or do some sport. What would you like to do .. football, boxing.. tennis?

Hmm no none of those
Ok then what ? Have a think ...
This has come to nothing.

How can I get him along there? I can't forcibly make him go. I don't want to threaten him with losing his phone as then it will seem like a negative thing. Please don't tell me that I'm the parent and he's only 14 so I can 'make' him go. I'm a single parent, he's taller than me and I have to find a way of making him go of his own free will.

A really good friend of his goes but I think underneath the surface there might be a pride issue there as DS would be the new boy and might worry he isn't going to be good enough or as good as his friends in the team. I have thought about contacting the friends dad though as I know him.

As a final thought - I know this is wrong but I have considered financially incentivising him (ok bribing him) as I think he will really like it if I just get him to go once.

Any advice or things that have worked for you? Thanks!

I have been there with my 15-yr-old son but when there have been gaps in hobbies, the more I push things the more he resists! I completely agree that it is almost impossible to make him go! Even when he was younger I struggled with that (which I do beat myself up about, also a single parent).

I just speak about the value of having a balanced life and how developing interests/learning new skills is beneficial for a happy healthy future.

When he dropped out of football I was worried. . .but that summer he discovered golf through his dad and he loved it!

Other things have happened organically through peers. He goes to the gym and is developing an interest in weights and a group of them have started getting into darts.

None of these are formal clubs, but they are positive activities he can do with both peers and adults with his life (yes even me!) that he enjoys, boost his self esteem, and are good for his brain. Better still, they keep him out of trouble and there has been a lot less of the aimless hanging out with friends.

For him the formal club thing is off-putting.

As for the football he may have valid reasons for not wanting to join the football team so it is important to listen to what they are. Football at that age becomes less fun and more competitive so fear of failure can be an aspect. And if it's not football something else may emerge that he jumps at. But it kind of has to come from him to be successful.