Teenage/preteen kids have 0 friends in school.

[Alittlecuddlefromme]

Me and my husband Have 3 kids F14 M11 and F9, the older 2 are in high school.
My eldest is really whitty, funny and strong headed. She has been bullied for 2 years now. In year 8 the bullying started, it got worse and worse. In year 9 she attempted suicide. Her attendance became really low, then in year 10 she took the start of the year as a fresh start. She has 1 friend in school, who is currently in ‘intervention’ which is long term isolation, so she doesn’t see her in school only after school.
the rest of her year group isolate her and snigger about her all the time. It calms down for a while then kicks off again with threat of her ‘getting jumped’ or ‘battered’, it’s always really petty things that have nothing to do with her that bring it on, kids seem to target her and make things up to cause drama. After the last kick off I’ve decided to pull her from school, I’ve put in for a school transfer and will home school her untill she gets a place.
My son is very smart, hes so academic and loves to research, debate things and learn stuff, he’s also very silly, funny and sometimes inappropriate (suspected autism, he’s on the pathway) and has a few friend in high school, they identify as ‘furries’, I’m not really sure what that entails, but it caused them to be targets and my son is bullied for being friends with them. Hes tried to make new friends to avoid being bullied but that led to a fight a few days ago because he tried talking to someone and they said things like ‘you lost your dad and your ugly’ his dad is alive and well and lives with us it was just a made up thing to bully him for, my son got angry and it broke into a fight. He’s been in 2 physical fights since starting high school last September, both started when he was trying to make new friends. He’s asked to change school along with his sister, but my husband thinks that’s not the answer to his problems, and he may end up in the same boat at another school.
I’ve made a few mistakes with him, telling him to not take any grief from people (which led to violence) and try to not be inappropriate when ‘bantering’ (he has social communication disorder) which has led to him thinking he needs to change his personality.
Our youngest is still in primary school and is fine so far, she’s just a princess and is loved by everyone. I hope it stays that way.
I’ve no idea what to do, I know school can’t force people to be friends with my kids, but my heart is breaking watching them so anxious and lonely. My son cried so hard tonight begging me to let him stay off tomorrow, he said ‘no one likes me, I need to change my personality and I don’t know how to’. My heart is so broken. I just want my kids to have friends and feel secure in school.

They’re usually loud and playful at home, but home life is being affected now, I’m terrified that I’ve raised them wrong, or made mistakes I can’t unmake. They’re amazing kids, and great friends so I don’t understand why they struggle so much.

Had anyone been through anything similar or have any advice on what I should do?
I have spoke to the school countless times, had meeting, put in complaints, got the local authority involved.
I’m out of ideas now and I’ve no idea how to help my kids, or ensure they don’t run into the same problems in a new school. Thanks in advance.

To add, I have asked my kids why they think they struggle with friends. My daughter says ‘they’re just all horrible and don’t like me’ and my son says ‘they all say I’m weird but I don’t know how to change’

I have worked on their confidence telling them they have value and doing confidence boosting wellness writing and exercises.
I’ve tried role playing to see if I could help them handle difficult situations.
I give them a lot of room to talk, vent and be themselves at home without judgment.
None of this have helped at all with their social issues at school.

Your description of your eldest is interesting, when you say strong headed and has unfortunately experienced MH challenges, is there supports she can access? Counselling, has she ever been considered on the autism spectrum? Having a sibling increases the statistical likelihood.

Can the school sign post to any resources in the community? We have social groups for teens set up locally.

If your son has autism then the social challenges are likely impacting rather than parenting. Throw in his age and it sadly is a common occurrence.

Your son doesn't need to change his personality but I think he needs support, guidance and clarification of boundaries like all children. Yes he may need it spelled out more but reassure him all young people need help navigating life, and half the battle is identifying this.

This is now his strength and yes it will be up and down but given his insight which is causing him hurt. It means he has the tools needed to work on social challenges.

She’s also on the pathway for an assesment for ASD and adhd. I didn’t mention it wasn’t ‘important’ to her story.
my description of my kids is what I see of them. In school they’re different, she’s ’arrogant, rude, a runner, hides, shy’ the school say. My boy is just a really academically inclined young boy who’s had a few fights in their eyes, although, they are supporting his need for an assesment.
The school have suggested my do a few things but my daughter refuses to do anything that will pool her with neurodivergent people as she is terrified of being bullied for it. She cares far too much what people think of her.
Ive told my boy time and time again, that he is an amazing young boy, smart, handsome, funny and unique. He is confident at home, but school is causing increasing anxiety.

I have spoke to the school so many times, it’s got to the point I know they don’t like me and see me as ‘hard work’.
My sons head of year even slagged me off to another pupil (one that has been bullying my daughter for 2 years) within ear shot of my daughter on Tuesday. All because i called school to ask why he had been isolated. My daughter text me saying she’d been told he’s in isolation, so I called school to ask why, turns out he had a fight. I did complain to school about this, and of course, I’ve heard nothing back of them.

I just don’t know if theirs anything they can do at this point to prevent my son being socially isolated, his lack of friends has caused so much anxiety. My nerdy, smart, school loving son, now is begging me to stay off school.

He’s asked to change school along with his sister, but my husband thinks that’s not the answer to his problems, and he may end up in the same boat at another school.

So what does your DH suggest?

It can't be guaranteed of course, but lots of kids make a successful new start at a new school.

Plus what have the school done to directly address the bullying?

Unfortunately, autistic kids are often targets for bullying in school. It’s sometimes difficult for ND children to communicate effectively with NT children. At my secondary school, we have supported social time for children who struggle socially, so they gather in a room with a TA and hang out with each other in a safe and supportive environment.

Schools are currently very underfunded/staffed so this sort of intervention is very hard to come by, but you could address this with your DC’s new school.

School can also get communication and interaction team help for children who struggle (but again, limited).

He thinks we need to work on his confidence more, and rather than tell him off for being inappropriate when socialising with us, use positive reinforcement when he socialises in an appropriate manner.
I agree with what he’s said, but I don’t know if that will work fast enough to fix his social life in school and in turn remove the need to move schools.
He says, as a male, he needs to learn to communicate appropriately and me cuddling away all his worries won’t fix anything. If we don’t sort it he’ll grow up and seem ‘creepy’ because his social skills can come across like that at this age, if we want him to have a successfull relationships as an adult we need to help learn how to handle social situations and how to communicate better. He only acts inappropriately/badly because he has social communication disorder, he’s not a bad kid, just different.

Bullying logs, that never go anywhere.
Thats it, even though I’ve had to involve the police a few times due to my daughters pants being pulled down, a photo being taken, then the photo being passed around. That was year 8. A few times a group of 18+ girls have chased her round school trying to ‘batter’ her, school responded by isolating her ‘for her own safety’ the first time. Then started bullying logs. She got sexually assaulted (nothing extreme, he was grabbing her boobs and bum) outside school, her brother ended up attacking the boy, tried pushing him into moving traffic. And severe threats sent over snapchat. School always says ‘because it happened outside of school, we have to leave the police to deal with it’.
So it seems these kids get away with it so target her because nothing gets done about it.
The hardest thing for her so cope with, is the social isolation. She has 0 people to talk to in school, no one to sit with at lunch so she just hides in the loo and doesn’t eat.
Or she walks into school, kicks of at a teacher to get thrown into isolation so she doesn’t have to deal with it all.

I am sorry your children are having such a hard time. Your son needs his behaviour corrected to be able to engage in any way with his peers. Ignoring the bad behaviour and praising to the good works with younger children.

Your son is 11 add in puberty and things behavioural wise and inappropriateness will escalate. Someone needs to urgently in now and spell out exactly his inappropriate behaviour.

Your daughters behaviour sounds like a lot of girls her age who are autistic. That is why I asked. If there is no assessment in the pipeline then it could have been a reaction to trauma hence the question. Her having a diagnosis and access to supports give her the best chance to turn it around. No it should not be on her but sadly the reality is it is a NT world and navigating it is a necessity.

The bullying should of course not be happening. Sadly the fact is others, potentially friends or allies will see their reactions and retreat from it not knowing it is due to ND and bullying.

It is heartbreaking when children don't have early diagnosis and support them finding friends and allies early gives them time to learn skills that support them at teens. Society is really letting them down. In Ireland we have Asiam, it may have a similar organisation near you.

I really hope it improves for them.

Could you change schools? Give them a fresh start? You can't and shouldn't try to change their personalities beyond making sure they can communicate appropriately and help them to read situations etc.

I'm sorry if this sounds really superficial but how do they present themselves. Do they have trendy bags, the right shoes, a haircut that helps them fit in etc. Sorry it shouldn't be this way but these physical markers can be important.

I hope things improve...it sounds so difficult

He thinks we need to work on his confidence more, and rather than tell him off for being inappropriate when socialising with us, use positive reinforcement when he socialises in an appropriate manner.

Sorry, this is bollocks. You can't solve sustained bullying with confidence, FFS.

In fact this approach is putting the responsibility onto your son (and DD) instead of the bullies. Add in the school not effectively dealing with the bullying and your son is getting the worst message ever - that it's down to his personality and confidence and so up to him to change. So damaging.

Jesus, I've just read your post about the abuse of your daughter.

GET YOUR CHILDREN OUT OF THAT SCHOOL.

How can she be left there after repeated sexual abuse? Which the school do not address adequately?

Does your DH also think that 'working on confidence' will sort that??

Do everything you can to move areas as well and give your kids some safety.

Meanwhile, look at how you and DH approach this. From your first post you have focused on your DC's personalities as though that is the key factor in their being bullied. So damaging. Take the focus off them and into the bullies and the school. That is the real problem.

And get them away from the source of the problem.

Move school, please, move school.

I have an ASD DD who sounds similar to your DD and she's thriving at school. There is very little bullying, no teaching staff would tolerate furries or other internet crap at school, no fights. Someone shook someone's can of fizzy juice before they opened it and it was such a big deal all the kids were talking about it.

Go to other schools and see how they feel, your kids will know if they feel at home and comfortable somewhere. Please give them that chance.

Have you managed to make any progress in protecting your kids, @Alittlecuddlefromme?

Jesus op the school sounds horrendous, can you move them somewhere else? Start looking around at others? Our secondary is far from perfect, but no way they'd let all that bullying continue. Anything physical or sexual it's automatic managed move or just asked to leave in one case I know.

Support for SEN is also woefully lacking by the sounds of it, so much more can be done by schools to help ND kids, even if they don't have a diagnosis yet and are on the pathway for several years at our school. Outside of school I'd suggest joining some groups for parents of kids with Autism in your area, there are lots on Facebook and the aim is not only for parents to connect but kids too. I belong to a couple that arrange meet ups or run weekly groups etc. Another good way to get a feel for schools in your area that have better SEN support, talk to other parents with ND kids, then I'd start looking at other schools

DS 16 doesn't have any friends in his high school, he only really speaks to his teachers. He does a sport at weekends that he has made friendships through. I try not to worry. He struggles making friends.

DS 13 complete opposite, has loads of friends.

I struggled with friendships when I was at high school. Similar to my eldest

Have you read OP's five posts before posting? It's really not as simple as friendships.

🤦🏻 sorry I didn't get a chance to read full thread.

Thank you all for the comments and advice. Both kids have moved school now. I kept my daughter home until a new place was found, my son remained in school untill a new place was found. My son hates being late and or ‘skipping’ school so refused to stay home.
here’s to a new chapter 😊.
I have a job interview on the 19th so I’m hoping this new school goes well so I can finally return to work.
Thank you all again xx

That's amazing news, @Alittlecuddlefromme. I hope they both get a chance to thrive now.

Congratulations on your new job too.