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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

I know I'm being silly, but...teen dd and new boyfriend

27 replies

goldenspangle · 13/01/2024 12:40

16 year old dd has been seeing a boy for a very short period of time - only about six weeks or so! It's her first 'relationship', as far as I know.

I've met him a few times and he seems very nice - sweet, kind, clever. He'd told a mutual friend he really fancied dd - and the friend set them up. They've been on a few dates and gone over to each others' houses. They've not been seeing each other constantly, but each told all their friends they are seeing each other, and also told their parents. It all seemed relaxed and fine, but definitely a 'thing' going on.

DD is quite a reserved character, but I can see she's been really excited and happy about this - it is lovely to see as she's had a tough couple of years for various reasons.

Anyway, they had a plan to go out tonight and the boy has cancelled saying he has too much homework. It's possible - they are both at a very academic grammar - but I can see dd is upset and worried he's gone off her already, although she is also saying she thinks everything is fine between them still.

I know there is nothing I can do and it's bonkers of me to worry on her behalf - but as I said, she's had a tricky few years and I just want her to be happy. I KNOW I am being silly and it's nothing to do with me, so I don't really need lots of posters telling me that. What I would appreciate though, is some insight into teen relationships - could it really be over that fast? Do you think it's a bad sign that he's cancelled on her? 😞

OP posts:

Sandysandwich · 13/01/2024 13:00

It could be over that fast, teen relationships often can be short and end for tiny reasons.
But they're 16, its more likely his parents told him to cancel because he hadn't done enough homework and it's nothing to do with her.
It would be a bit much to already be prioritising her over his school work if they only just got together, so I wouldn't worry about it.

Original poster

goldenspangle · 13/01/2024 13:06

@Sandysandwich - thanks so much. I do hope it’s just that…

I can’t help but worry though, if the boy were still very keen, he would have tried to reschedule - although they do see each other at school I guess. Also, no-one’s doing homework round the clock are they?!

I just think for it to all end so quickly would really knock dd’s confidence.

OP posts:

Meetthecats · 13/01/2024 16:10

Welcome to the hideous world of teen relationships. Nothing else quite like it! I went through hell during DDs first relationship and break up. Felt ever bump as if it was mine! Since then I’ve learned to get a bit less involved.
Teens blow hot and cold and move around partners so fast it can be scary. I know it’s hard but try not to get too obsessed with it.

CaptainMyCaptain · 13/01/2024 16:13

If he's taking time out to do his homework I'd say it was a good thing. It's what he should be doing. A relationship between 16 year olds may or may not last anyway.

Original poster

goldenspangle · 13/01/2024 18:10

@Meetthecats - thank you. Yeah, I've been trying not to give any kind of impression to dd - but I was just happy to see her happy, and it's a little heartbreaking to see her thinking this might be over this quickly...

@CaptainMyCaptain certainly didn't expect it to 'last', but thought it might be a few months at least, rather than a few weeks! Yes it's totally possible he is genuinely doing homework, but I don't think he went and rescheduled anything with her....and I do think if he was super keen still, he probably would have done?

OP posts:

MolkosTeenageAngst · 13/01/2024 18:14

goldenspangle · 13/01/2024 18:10

I think you’re applying adult dating standards to a teen relationship. Yes, in the world of adult dating if you cancelled on someone you were keen on you would likely reschedule there and then to prove interest. Teens are different, he’s not going to be so tuned in to adult social norms and as you said he will see her at school, he might just be thinking he’ll arrange something with her then. He also may not have full autonomy, if his parents have said he needs to do homework or is grounded etc he might not be in a position to know when he will be free to rearrange again. You’re overthinking things and assuming he will act like an adult man trying to date an adult woman and ignoring the fact they’re both still children with the social skills of children, not adults.

OkPedro · 13/01/2024 18:18

Oh god op I feel sick for you! I remember my first boyfriend at 16 I was madly in love and heartbroken when he ended things after 2 months!
I wish my mother had actually cared though and helped me through it. It's so tough. I hope it all works out for the best ☺️

BoohooWoohoo · 13/01/2024 18:21

Remember that teens organise things last minute. If he wanted to see her tomorrow afternoon for instance, he’ll probably suggest it tomorrow lunchtime.

Original poster

goldenspangle · 13/01/2024 18:28

@MolkosTeenageAngst - that is a good point, thank you.

@OkPedro - yes, I totally remember similar heartbreak! of course everyone goes through that...but I was hoping that dd might have a nice first relationship for a little while - even though it's very early days, it all seemed quite straightforward and like the boy was keen.

@BoohooWoohoo - dd had suggested Saturday evening during the week and he said yes. Then they were out together in a group of school friends yesterday, just for a few hours after school, and that's when he said he said perhaps they should leave tonight because he had a lot of homework. Might be nothing, but I got the impression he was perhaps a bit cooler with her yesterday too - I don't know.

OP posts:

Original poster

goldenspangle · 13/01/2024 18:32

ALSO - gosh I know it's not a big deal and do forgive me for coming across like a weirdo!😅 - even though it's all so new to teens, I think as a teenager, if I really liked someone, I'd be keen to rearrange something if I cancelled it

OP posts:

WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 13/01/2024 18:32

Oh OP, I massively sympathise. My 16dd has just gotten her first boyfriend too. She's liked him since secondary school but she is shy and would never have told him. They started socialising as friends when they started college and have now been seeing each other for 3 weeks and I am honestly having daily anxiety about it. She is so Happy and has wanted a boyfriend for a while. On her 16th birthday out for a family dinner she asked if I thought she may get a boyfriend in college? She's very innocent with it all.
The panic that this will all go down the pan within a quick time frame is awful!

.. Even my mum rings up daily asking if all is okay still.

penjil · 13/01/2024 18:38

Why couldn't she go around there and help him with his homework, do it together?

Do you think his parents and told him he has to buckle down and revise, and she can't go around there?

Original poster

goldenspangle · 13/01/2024 18:39

@WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive - awww I hope she has a lovely time for a while, and he is good to her. I honestly wasn't feeling anxious about it - just pleased for her as it all seemed lovely with the boy keen on her (but not too full on), and all their mutual friends saying they are a great match blah blah!

OP posts:

Original poster

goldenspangle · 13/01/2024 18:41

@penjil - it wasn't revision but 'homework'. I know the parents vaguely through the school, they don't strike me as a strict family...although I could be wrong.

OP posts:

penjil · 13/01/2024 18:44

goldenspangle · 13/01/2024 18:41

@penjil - it wasn't revision but 'homework'. I know the parents vaguely through the school, they don't strike me as a strict family...although I could be wrong.

OK, well homework then.

Perhaps his parents have told him no, and they want him to cool it a bit?

Perhaps this boy doesn't want to say to your DD "my parents said you can't come over" as he might think he'll sound like a bit of an uncool dork.

Perhaps he's just told her the truth. 👍

viques · 13/01/2024 18:46

If they have only been seeing each other for a few weeks then most of that time will have been end of term/ holiday time, so he probably didn’t have much school work. It’s really the first proper week back so the first weekend of homework so it’s sort of reasonable that he has got to knuckle down and get back into a routine of getting the work done.

Snowydaysfaraway · 13/01/2024 18:46

It could simply be he had a zit you know! Best advice I give is never mention him in any negative sense... Dd won't forgive(or forget) you for that! Offer an alternative plan. Take away. Fav film to watch together.. Sat moping isn't an option but be decreet!!

WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive · 13/01/2024 18:47

Urghhh, I honestly didn't think I would worry about a teen relationship. But they are just so in love at this age that I think I may find it worse when/if it all ends than dealing with a split when older.

He does seem lovely but he said his mum is getting upset that she hasn't met her yet. I agreed with this and have said they need to arrange for this next weekend because his mum will be feeling sad as it's his first girlfriend. I find the whole thing very stressful!

I hope all goes well with your daughter. DD's boyfriend did cancel on Wednesday because he had homework to do and then re-arranged for 2 days later (I also felt like you in your post) and all was well.

Original poster

goldenspangle · 13/01/2024 18:53

Thank you all, I know it could be so many reasons (including that he does have masses of homework 😂) rather than him going 'off' her already.

@WhycantIkeepthisbloodyplantalive - that's good to hear that all was well for your dd, and sorry you feel a bit edgy about it. I guess some mothers would hope for their dds to avoid teenage boys at all costs! In our case, dd had a pretty rough time last year with some health issues which knocked her confidence a bit - I guess I was hoping this boy would be a fun, positive experience for her (at least for a while!)

OP posts:

DobieGrayshark · 13/01/2024 18:55

I will be exactly like this when my kids have girl / boy friends. I’ll keep it all to myself but I will worry unnecessarily!

Bdaybdilemma · 13/01/2024 18:55

This is such a lovely supportive thread! (Reading as a parent of a 4 yo and 10 month old and glad I don't have to deal with this for a decade)

Original poster

goldenspangle · 13/01/2024 18:55

@Snowydaysfaraway - indeed! I did take her out to the shops earlier to take her mind off it, and planning to watch a movie tonight, so hopefully this will help...

OP posts:

jadedagain · 23/01/2024 10:50

Just wondering how things went having been in a similar predicament lately. Hope it has worked out ok.

Theoldwoman · 23/01/2024 11:23

i am worried about my DD going through the same thing and she’s almost 21!

How did it work out OP?

Original poster

goldenspangle · 23/01/2024 13:58

Hi all! Thanks for checking in. Happily it's all absolutely fine - they are still seeing each other and all is well. Seems the boyfriend genuinely did just have a lot of homework 😅

It did make me think though - there are going to be times in the future when dd does go through breakups and is heartbroken, and we'll just have to deal with that when we get there. I know it seems like stating the obvious when we all went through the same as teens and young adults, and we got through it...but it's hard not to fret when all you want for your kids is for them to be happy!

Hope all is fine for those going through similar stresses xx

OP posts:

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