Son abused by girlfriend

[Tweetypie27]

Please help at my wits end as a mother. My oldest son who has suffered with depression and was bullied a lot at school met a girl six months ago he’s 17.
I was so happy for him I really was the girl seemed quiet met her parents they seem ok. She only met me once and said she had anxiety and didn’t want to meet again she’s not met any of the other family members siblings etc
I met her for five minutes said hello asked how she was she seemed nice and I left them to it.
If he’s happy I’m happy and I’m laid back and don’t get involved just give advice. He stays all wkend there and comes home Sundays.
She went through all his socials saw girls he was following from before they met and kept going on and on at him he’s never had a girlfriend before.
she just won’t let go that he liked models on Instagram he’s a young lad and he’s loyal and quiet.
Anyway every Monday she starts on him calls him a pervert that he’s disgusting he’s this he’s that just vile words.
he’s not gone into sixth form all week he keeps crying because she’s nice one minute nasty the next.
It all come out that she goes through his phone when he’s there and doesn’t like him talking to me he said she hates me that I restrict him. I don’t I just won’t let him go drinking in town he’s 17 and I still have some say I said he can go to the local little town by us. She says she will kill herself if he leaves her she has male friends but my son is not allowed femal friends.
I booked him the doctors to start medication next week which he needs for his depression he wants to and she’s told him no and not to take them. The doctors said he needs them too so he’s going to discuss the medication options.
I hate what she’s done to him I feel like he got his life back on track last year from leaving school and now he’s a wreck again .
What do I do ? I’m so worried.

Oh goodness this sounds very worrying! He is allowing her to control him.
I don’t have experience or advice for you but really hope someone else can help.

She is really controlling him and what’s worse, being his first girlfriend he will think this is okay.
You and his dad need to sit him down and explain that you’re happy when he’s happy but gently point out that a healthy relationship doesn’t make someone
this upset.
If she is making remarks about suicide because of him then I’d also be tempted to contact her parents and make them aware of these comments . I know that might be controversial to some but if she’s being serious then as a parent I’d want to know and if she’s joking then I’d want to explain to her how awful she’s being.

What your son needs is a lesson in assertiveness. He needs to be able to handle this himself. As a parent it must be hard to watch him being played however (and I say this kindly), is there some truth in her accusation that you restrict him? Have you 'babified' him a little. It's odd for someone his age to be told by his mother he's not allowed to go drinking in town. Dont get in trouble, yes, but thats quite controlling....and now he has another female controlling him.
Maybe share some MN or Reddit threads n see how he reacts to different scenarios. Does he seem to have a balanced awareness of boundaries? If so his problem (and HE does have a problem) is assertiveness.
Look at the Freedom Programme too

Hi thanks for replies.
@NaughtybutNice77 I probably have Molly coddled him a bit as he’s my first child I was 18 when I had him so very young myself.
He does go into town in the daytimes just not clubbing drinking in the main town on the evening.
A he would not get in as he’s only 17 very strict on the doors here
B I’m not paying for it either a taxi would be £30/40 each way which he couldn’t afford.
C I do worry as he’s not streetwise and quite naive and trusting.
I feel I’ve failed in the fact this girl is controlling him as he hasn’t got the assertiveness to tell her no or stand up to her. He cries a lot he’s sensitive he’s always been this way and I thought it would get better with age but once he told me about the depression I realised the crying episodes were probably due to the depression he had a very hard time at senior school due to bullies.
I don’t want him to feel I’m controlling him or her either. He asked me if he can go on these tablets as he’s very low I’m only doing what he’s asking of me and they can’t give them without parental consent under 18 according to the GP.
The freedom programme sounds a good idea. I’ve spoke to her mom today and she said her daughter is being assessed for autism but that her daughter is obsessive over my son when he’s not with her and she’s concerned about it too.
They have gone out last night and he stayed there and he text me to say she was ok but then she exploded at him again out of the blue and told him she does not want to meet any of us or do anything with us like meals etc which I feel will make my son alienated as he’s always with her family.
It is very stressful of me wanting to leave him to this but then him not going into sixth form for the week can’t continue he wants to go to uni and won’t be going anywhere if this continues. I had no idea how hard teens were till I had them.

I had a boyfriend who said he'd kill himself if I left. In the end I decided it was worth the risk. He didn't.

It's emotional blackmail and would be an absolute red line for me nowadays.

I hope your lad is ok.

Gosh how worrying for you. Does he actually want to be with her? What does he like about her? I had similar with ds recently with an obsessive girlfriend but not that bad. The clincher was when I sat him down and asked him if he actually fancied her still and he said he didn’t- so I pointed out that even if he thought they could work on all the other stuff, there was no point if he didn’t have those feelings. Turns out he had felt very trapped for some time and although she was always lovely with us, she clearly had some real issues and needed help that my son could not give.
Keep up the dialogue with the Mum if you can, maybe she can put her foot down about limiting the amount of time your son spends round there? But really I think it sounds toxic and he needs to find the courage to walk away, it doesn’t sound fixable and at their age it needs to be a learning experience and then move on.

Please keep an eye on your son, and if you can then try to get him out of this relationship.

My boyfriend’s first girlfriend was like this. They were 16 and it started out just how your son’s relationship has started. He was/is sensitive like your boy. She would go through his phone, track his movements, and make him remove any female friends off social media. If he even walked past a girl’s house on his way home from school she would shout at him, insult him, and threaten him. She didn’t let him go to his best friend’s 16th birthday party or his high school prom, and made him cut off all of his friends. It escalated to the point where she would lock herself in the bathroom and self-harm whilst he would try to get in and stop her, and afterwards she would blame him for it. She was extremely controlling, nasty and just straight up abusive. In the end it led my boyfriend to attempt suicide.

I’m not saying this to scare you, but your son needs help. If this was a girl being treated like this by a boy no one would be telling her to be assertive or anything - they would be telling you to remove her from the relationship. It is abuse, and it is unacceptable. I hope your son is able to get out of this relationship because he deserves to be treated much better than this.

Thanks so much for the great responses wanted to update that my son has now near enough moved into this house and is coming home once or twice a week. I feel like I’ve totally lost control of the situation and when he is home he’s on the phone to her.
I spoke to him last week and he said I stay there otherwise she’s on the phone all night and I don’t like being on the phone so I get more space when I’m actually with her.
He’s telling me less and less now but I can tell he’s really down and not how he used to be. I’ve tried to stop it but I don’t know what to do so now I’ve given up.
He has to get two buses early morning in the dark from her house and it is not a good area all I do is worry about him.
He wasn’t amazing mental health wise before he met her but he’s even worse now and didn’t go and stay at his dads the weekend with his brothers and I know usually he loves going and playing football etc but he hasn’t been since Xmas now.
Any more advice welcome

What your son needs is a lesson in assertiveness.

Would you have said this if a parent had posted on here, worried that their daughter was in a coercive or controlling relationship?

How horrible for you and your son. Could you contact some domestic abuse charities for help maybe? Showing him information from an independent source rather then from you might help him realise he's in an abusive relationship, until he does he's not likely to make the steps he needs to to get away from this girl

Yes, my advice was not gender dependent

@MamPadi I’ve shown him the cycle of abuse something is definitely up with him more than usual. I am extremely concerned about his mental healthy only Dad committed suicide so I’m on edge.
How can we help them ?

Don’t know how to edit but meant to say my dad killed himself and my son is a very similar personality to him quiet easy to dominate etc

If her parents have concerns then you need to meet up with her mum on neutral ground. They could massively help by telling their DD that he can't be staying there all the time and to limit his visits.
Poor excuse of 'she might be autisitc' that doesn't make you abusive and controlling.
Sounds like they're all scared of this nasty young woman.

Thanks so much. I spoke to my son earlier and he seemed very down sad behind the eyes I tried to talk and he wouldn’t.
I went downstairs and he text me and said he’s been hearing voices my heart just dropped to the floor I wasn’t expecting it but knew something was up. What concerns me is when he first met her he told me she said she was hearing voices and had mental issues I wasn’t happy with it as it’s the last thing my son needs when he’s been depressed supporting someone else who needs help.
When I tried to discuss it again about her mental health he shut it down and now he’s saying this to me out the blue . I partly believe she’s been saying it and now he thinks he has what she’s got but at the same time I want to take it seriously so will ring the doctors tomorrow.
I used to work in mental health so I know what to look for and I’ve explained to him if it’s an internal voice it may well be intrusive thoughts but an external voice is more worrying. He said it’s internal so I’m hoping it’s just his own thoughts.
I just wish I could get him away from this family he’s gone so so downhill since he met her and keeps staying there.
I really feel lost with this.