Can I ask for advice for dd11 on this forum please?

[dameofdilemma]

Dd11 isn’t technically a teenager but she started her periods age 9 and over the last two years has undergone huge changes, physically, personality, self consciousness etc and her behaviour is more akin to a 13 year old. It’s markedly different from many of her friends her own age.

Hoping someone who has been through it or is in the middle of it can help.

There are lots of great things about dd - she can be independent, responsible, reliable, funny. She has friends, many she’s had for years. She’s always done well at school. In short nothing to suggest anything out of the norm.

But….she has really started to rebel against parental controls on her phone and especially not having TikTok and Snapchat (she has WhatsApp).

We’ve tried and tried to explain why those apps aren’t suitable for a 13 yr old, internet safety, referred to advice on websites and from the school. I’m finding it hard to regularly hear ‘I hate you’, ‘you’re controlling’, ‘stay out of my life’, ‘get out of my room’. She’s constantly pushing us away, not speaking to us for days.
We try hard to give her a reasonable amount of freedom (she’s allowed to go out during the day with her friends locally without parents) and she has a weekly allowance (linked to behaviour and chores etc) but whatever we do it’s never enough.

I’m running out of ideas. I know we need to stay firm on the phone stuff (doesn’t help that a couple of her friends are given free rein on apps, though most aren’t).
I feel like the relationship is deteriorating and I don’t know what to do. Dp is engaged, tries hard too.

It sounds like you’re both doing a great job, it’s just bloody rough right now. She sounds pretty normal and you two sound like you have a good balance of love + boundaries which is the essence of good parenting.

I like this and return to it when my teens are grinding me down. Hope it helps.

http://gretchenschmelzer.com/parents-corner/2015/6/23/the-letter-your-teenager-cant-write-you?format=amp

Thanks for that - that’s exactly how it is, I genuinely think dd hates us sometimes and I’m just hoping it gets better.

We’ve tried and tried to explain why those apps aren’t suitable for a 13 yr old

So many parents now think their pre-teen is more mature than they are and rush through the stages of growing up. Most are not - not for the import things anyway. They may be getting hormone surges but mentally and emotionally they are still 11 year olds.

The teenage years will come soon enough. Sure, parent her as an individual, but don't rush her ahead up the stages or before you know it you have a actual 13 year old you think is more like a 16 year old and getting into questioning whether you should allow their demands for alcohol, too much freedom and they start dabbling in having sex because they have been convinced they are older than they are.

She is 11. Treat her as an 11 year old. Tell why the apps are not suitable for an 11 year old not a 13 year old! Get thee to the pre teen board with other parents going through the same thing with their trying to act older than they are 11 year olds!

(my personal opinion as I think it can be emotionally and mentally damaging to parent them as if they are older than they are, feel free to ignore)