I dont like my son

[Sleepingbunny1]

Bear with me on this one as im more of a lurker than a poster.

But i am really struggling with my DS (14) and his behaviour, for context we also have a DD who is (9) and autistic so things arent easy.

My DS & DD do not get on, mainly because of DS, he is contstantly mean and rude to her all of the time, (ex- DD came home from school and as soon as she walked through the door DS said, oh thats a shame you didnt get him by a car on your way home) just contstantly nasty to her.

DS is meant to get up at 6.20am daily to do a paper round, but he is resisting this and my DH is constantly on at him to get up and helps him to do his round as he likes earning the money and dosent want to give this up, but his attitude and everything is at an all time low.

He is rude and nasty all of the time, and dosent seem to care about anything or anyone apart from himself.

He gets lots of attention and 1-1 time and isnt forgotten, but his attitude to everything and life stinks, and i actually do not know what to do.

What did you do when he made the comment about getting hit on the way home?

I get a lot of 'i dont care' and i dunno replies, and when i say 'why did you say that' and that really isnt nice, i still get, 'so' and he replies with well i hate (DD) so i dont care, its really awful

And what are the consequences for his behaviour? He doesn't get up for his paper round, oh yeah dad goes and does it for him. If he doesn't get up, he loses the paper round, it's simple really. If he is horrible to his sister then he needs consequences. In my house it would be one warning and if it happens again privileges start to be removed. I wouldn't be having a nice little chat about it when clearly that isn't working.

To be honest I think that I have hit this stage with both my elder DS at around 15. DS2 currently in the stage of being awful to his little brother. I said to my mum at Christmas, that I love him but really don't like him at the moment.

Xmas day he stole his brothers phone and uploaded lots of embarrassing pictures to his Snapchat stories and all DS 3's friends saw them. DS 3 was devastated and literally sobbing for an hour.

It feels like no consequences work. I had it with my DS1 but he grew out of it pretty quickly, and tbf DS2 seems to be getting slightly better.

I would definitely start by not getting him up for his paper round. He loses his job, that is on him.

So my message is basically I think this is a normal stage and hopefully it will pass quickly. Stick to your boundaries

So he gets zero consequences for telling his sister he wishes she was dead. And when he’s too lazy to get his arse out of bed and do his paper round, his dad gets up and does it for him? I wonder where you could be going wrong 🙄

Yes there are loads of consequences, taking his phone from him, then ive put a time limit on it, removal of playstation controllers etc, there are definatly consequences, but its still so so hard to draw a happy balance without the whole household being brought down all of the time

What exactly whould you do and how long for, i depsperatly need some advice x

Ime the taking away doesn't work. Adding to their responsibilities works here.. More chores... Chance to reflect on shitty behaviour whilst unloading the dishwasher /walking the ddog. Taking piles of laundry upstairs for the very sibling they claim to hate is a start.
Last 3 teens at home here..
And meals at the table together with no bitching is non negotiable here..

I have a 15y boy myself and if he said that to his sister I would hit the roof, not just taking away things but making sure he apologises and a long depth conversation about how you respect and love your siblings and talk to people, especially family, better !

I would also be strict and more firm! His dad seems a bit of a filmsy drip if he's a grown adult doing a child's paper round, because he has an attitude and is lazy, and your spiteful son still gets the money for it. Sounds great. Two parents and with no backbone.

I feel sorry for your daughter.

Regarding the paper round: if he's old enough to have a job, he's old enough to get up and do it himself. Let him know in advance that you're not going to be helping him with it anymore, or getting him up. Leave him to it. If he doesn't turn up, he gets sacked. A consequence. One he probably could do with learning at this point.

He also shouldn't be saying nasty things to your DD. With her autism it's even crueller, IMO. I assume he plays his PlayStation every night? If he makes a horrible comment, warn him, if he does it again, he loses it for the night. Then the phone, then whatever. But there have to be consequences. He might end up sitting there with nothing to do, but that's his own fault.

Being a teenager is tough, but there's no excuse for being a horrible person, particularly not to your little sister.

This sounds really tough.
I agree with the PP above about adding responsibility rather than just taking stuff away.
Could he take a week's holiday from the paper round and then rethink if he wants to go back to it - with absolute minimal help? My DS has a paper round and I make sure he's up but that's it.
I am sure you have talked to your DS about how he treats his sister, the hitting the roof approach process suggested above does not work with all children. My DC can be horrible to each other, but they are both teenagers and give as good as they get. They also do come around and apologise.
I think you do need to find some way to discourage the horrible comments, maybe trying to praise good behaviour (of his) and lavish attention on DD when he is mean to her.
15 is a tough age, was he nicer to DD when he was younger or has it always been like this?

Its easier said then done regarding any chores, he has to do the simple things, but literally i can not 'make' him do anything, he will just say no!

Thank you for all the replies, im feeling pretty down about it all, and yes maybe have made a rod for our own backs too.

He literally will never apologise, the very rare occasions he does its a half hearted mumble.

14 is a time of raging hormones and peak embarrassment caused by family. Having a sibling with autism is perhaps going to be a factor.
My eldest DS had a phase of huge resentment and anger against his younger brother who has additional needs.
Now he's 17 and his brother is 13 and they are really close. (I'm a lone parent so that complicates the relationships) But I'd imagine your son is comparing his family to other families and beginning to notice differences.
Would he be willing to talk to you about this?

Tell him you will no longer be nagging him to do the paper round. If he wants the money he needs to be up in time to do it. The consequence of not showing up at work is losing the job.

Set house rules - you don't have to like each other all the time but being unkind or spiteful will not be tolerated. Layout the consequences of disregarding the rule.
Second house rule is every child needs some sort of responsibility round the house. If he is the only one with rules or chores it will make it worse. Reward positive behaviour.

Maybe give an alternative outlet for when he is hormonal/ short tempered. Journalling/go on a bike ride or some sort of physical activity

I felt like you from school year 8 onwards - a lot of them change personality completely at this age.
My kids started getting on better again once they were both at secondary and had things in common to talk about. My ds was pretty horrible to his sister before then and it's awful to hear. But they're looking for a reaction all the time and not giving them that is often the best way. My dd admitted afterwards that she hated us arguing/getting mad/etc with him far more than anything he was doing/saying.
It is a stage (for a lot of teens), it does improve (in 2/3/4 years time), it's absolutely draining at the time.
We got through it with consequences of removing phones and Xbox (I have been know to take the Xbox out in the car with me!), walking away rather than letting him speak nastily to us (you'll never get the last word with them, so don't even try), no washing done if not in wash basket and no meals made on the very odd occasion he told me to f-off. Tea is always together at the table and we act normally then even if he's completely pissed us off 10 minutes before.
It's not been anywhere near as easy as it sounds above, but we did stick to those things all the way through, and gradually our nicer ds showed through more and more.

Don’t ask for an apology then. Just take something he values and don’t give it back. When he demands it just shrug and say “I just felt like being mean to you, like you are to your sister. That’s the rule here, isn’t it? That people are shitty to each other just because? Should we have new rules? What should they be? Let us sit down at the table and draw up some rules for our family that we all agree on.”

The rules should be simple, straightforward, universal, apply equally to all members.

Not judging from me. I totally get you. My 16yr old is an absolute prick. At this point I'm hoping he'll join the Navy & bugger off.

I would not be too fussed about an apology tbh I think the more important factor is how you get him to stop. He is bullying a disabled child in her own home and that absolutely needs to stop. I would be calling in some outside help for this asap

Response:

Don't speak about or to your sister like that. That is a hate crime, is incitement to hatred, is illegal and completely unacceptable. Apologise now.

Explain: you are pushing boundaries and going too far and I cannot allow you to abuse your sister as you are currently doing. There is no justification for your words and if you continue to behave like this, you will develop poor boundaries and get into trouble when speaking to people outside the family.

If he refuses to apologise then take action.