I've felt anxious since New Year realising its my sons last year at school

[Forgetaboutme]

I know this will sound silly but I woke up in a panic on New Years day thinking about this and still feel anxious.

My son is 17 and has stayed on at school. He doesnt have the grades to go to University but he stayed on for routine and to give himself more time to think about what he wants to do. In a few months school will be over.

He has an idea of what he wants to do but hasn't looked at all at college or ways to get into the profession. (He wants to be a PT). He just shuts me down any time I try and talk to him about it.

The reason I feel so anxious is because we are likely to reach the end of school year and he won't have anything in place. He is extremely lazy when it comes to anything like applications or studying. For example, he has been talking about wanting a part time job for about a year now and still hasn't written up a cv or even applied for a single job. He has been doing driving lessons which I am about to stop because he wont bother to look at the theory and I can't just indefinitely pay for driving lessons if he won't prepare himself for the test. (He loves driving)

Anytime I try to help he just makes an excuse like he's too tired just now or he has plans.

The only thing that motivates him is the gym. Thats why it would make sense for him to gain qualifications in that area and I want him to go for what he wants while he is young enough. But even though its something he wants he just cant motivate himself to actually look into how to do it!

I'm not bothered about him getting a career quickly, even if he wanted to travel I would support it. My worry is that he does nothing to research or put things in place for himself. I'm worried he will leave school and just play Xbox.

Anyway I'm not sure what the purpose of this post is. Is anyone feeling the same panic? Does anyone have advice on how to get an unmotivated person to start looking into things and applying?

I realise my anxiety probably won't help and I've not told him i feel this way as I know being 17 is a hard enough time.

What can the school offer in terms of career appointments, help with college applications etc? Does he have a head of year you could get in touch with yourself? The school won't want him to leave with no plan in place, and will be used to dealing with young people without too much of an idea about what to do next. I do think leaving without job or training isn't ok and you are not a hotel; get some advice from the school and then arrange to talk to him properly about it. Any long car journeys coming up? They always say that's a good place to talk to a teen.

Anxiety is the emotion that is triggered when there's something happening that's too important to ignore/forget. So, in this case, it's not inappropriate - you are rightly concerned about your son's future.

If he has an easy life, playing Xbox and having everything provided for him what incentives are there for him to do anything? Have you made it clear that once he leaves school he will be expected to fend for himself? So yes, there will be a roof over his head and food in the fridge but cooking, laundry, driving lesson fees, internet costs, etc will have to be found. That might sharpen his mind...

Carrot and stick approach for him.

I made my DS pass his theory before he had any driving lessons, just stop the lessons and say they will resume a soon as he passes his theory test, you can’t take your actual driving in a car test till you have passed theory so there is no point. Plus it means they have some idea what signs mean and should do it to be safer.

Their brains are still developing at that age and let’s be honest all that shutting you down deep down is probably fear. My DS was motivated but I offered financial incentives for his GCSE exams and promised I would buy him a car if he achieved all A grades in his A levels and he did so he was bought a car. MN is very anti financial incentives but when you go out to work that is labour in exchange for money isn’t it so I do not see why it’s such a problem. Some will study for the sheer love of it both DH and I were like that as massive nerds but some just aren’t.

I was pretty harsh with what I said as well, it was something like do you want to be poor? I know some have great qualifications and still be poor and life can take an unexpected turn with death, divorce and ill health but you give yourself the best chance. I know there are always entrepreneurs who have no qualifications but they are few and far between and for each success there are dozens of failures. I also relayed to him that was how I had done well, educated myself out of poverty. He saw our lives and then those of my still very hard up sisters, without words the differences are very obvious.

I think kids are that age are often still very much children and get overwhelmed easily. It's easier to ignore the big things and pretend they are not happening.
I found I had to 'coach' my DCs through some of these things eg suggest that next weekend you'll help him write a CV - can he look up some ideas and/or send him some links in how to write one, then put aside a couple of hours to sit down with him and plan it out.
With the driving, tell him he needs to have his theory test booked within x weeks or you are stopping lessons.
With the next steps, again book an hour or two with him to help research courses/qualifications together. What is he studying at the moment?

He should be getting a PT job now or at least trying to get one. Just give him his pocket money and that's it - no extras. Anything else has to be from a job.

I’d suggest a combination of gentle boundaries and encouragement.
For example, if not already doing domestic stuff (mine weren’t) tell him that if he intends to remain living in the family home when 18 (making it very clear that he is welcome to) certain responsibilities will be allocated to him.
this would be some simple stuff to start, maybe making a family meal once weekly, changing his bed every week/fortnight etc.

yes to stopping the lessons and putting a deadline in place for the theory.
if he is one to be in his room a lot doing gaming etc, then find a way to ‘meet’ with him. I used to take one of mine for Starbucks, or you might require him to be part of a family meal x times a week. Or a dog walk, whatever works for your family set up.

have parents’ evening come to an end now? This may be a way in to have an informal chat to teachers about how to encourage him to make decisions re his future. Or you could with his permission contact/email his form teacher.

What is your DS studying now and at what level? Moving on to the next stage can be hard whenever and however you do it. My eldest DC is graduating this summer and although they talk about various possible plans for next year, there's no concrete plan yet and I think a certain amount of "rabbit in the headlights" fear at the thought of it. I've decided that the most useful thing I can do is to try and set them up for a couple of informal chats with people working in some suitable job areas for advice and insight into next steps.

To answer some questions:

I asked him about school support yesterday and he confirmed they had been looking at college courses. I thought brilliant. So I said are they helping you and he said not really, just expected to do it all ourselves. So I said I was happy to help him and I asked what courses they had been looking at and he replied 'i don't know'. Thats his answer to everything I ask him. Its just so frustrating. He takes no personal responsibility at all.

This year he is just doing a mismatch of subjects in school, such as two different PE classes, modern studies and criminology. His grades will be good enough for most college courses but not university. He already got some qualifications over the last 2 years. We are in Scotland. He actually has some As in Nat 5s but hasn't had great results in his highers which are needed for university.

He is expected to do some weekly chores at home but almost always needs nagged or reminded despite doing the same chores for the last couple of years

I will definitely be telling him the lessons will be stopping if he doesnt get his butt in gear with the theory. He bought the app himself before the lessons started and I was so pleased but he has never looked at it.

This is what worries me. I feel like I will need to sit with him and work through all this together which I am happy to do. But its like he never takes personal responsibility. He will no doubt just sit and let me do it all. I just remembered applying for jobs myself at that age and doing research myself.

When he is disorganised, on one hand he needs to learn to be more organised but on the other, you need to step in and help! Nothing stopping you contacting his guidance teacher and saying what you've said to us. He can have an individual appointment with the school careers adviser. My younger ds sounds similar though in his case adhd is involved. Tell the school you're worried about him leaving without a positive destination. If he's in S5, do they even know he wants to leave this year? College applications start soon in Scotland so nows the time.

He is in S6 not S5 so the school will definitely know its his last year. I am going to contact the school and see if they can provide some support. Thanks for everyones help :)

OP, is his father around? Or is there a grandparent or another older relative that he might listen to? It must be very frustrating for you.

There are plenty of college courses that might suit him, but he obviously needs to start looking at them properly. It would be awful if he found the one he wants and then found out it was already full.

Schools tend not to offer guidance to individual pupils unless they are specifically asked to. Has he had an advice session with a careers advisor? Not necessarily one that’s school-based - it could be more useful to find an independent one. He’s less likely to say “dunno” to a careers professional.

Work experience with a PT?
The college part is the only immediate issue though due to when the courses open/close.

I had to doublecheck your username to check that I had not written your post!

Big row this morning with mine about him not arranging the driving lessons I'd paid for, despite him also loving driving. He has also bought the app for the theory, which I think he thinks is a magic app that the mere buying of it means he'll pass.
And don't get me started on part time jobs!
Only positive is that he wants to leave sixth form and go to college, so there is something he wants to do in September. (He will be leaving after Y12 so no qualifications but he does have GCSEs so get a place)
I am just hoping he'll grow up in the next six months, he's not badly behaved, just very very lazy and very happy to just sit around doing nothing. He has an active social life too!

I am also super anxious about this, maybe more than I need to be. I have a horror that he will be 25 and still gaming, meeting friends and still talking about applying for a job "soon" .

Earthlynightshade glad to hear I'm not the only one! I think the most frustrating thing is when there's stuff he loves (like driving) but he still won't take the steps only he can take to make sure he can pass the test. And him being the one going on about wanting a job constantly and not even looking up jobs in the area! Its as if he expects to be headhunted.

I wonder if there is a way of getting him work experience with a PT. That would be a great idea. I've just seen theres a careers fayre next week at the school. I will be taking him there.

DH has tried to help but gets the same response I do. Hes not great at applications either. I sort most of the home admin. He's going to try to help more with the encouraging and study of the theory test.

The frustrating thing is my sons friends all seem to have things in place or plans. A few of them have part time jobs and one offered to help him with a cv but again he never took the help.

It's hard work.
My DS friends also seem to have things worked out, part time jobs, university courses planned. A few have passed their driving theory test and just getting on with lessons. A couple of them already have cars!
When DS was younger he was interested in loads of stuff and quite motivated (never liked school or studying to be fair), I hope that he drags himself out of this difficult stage, because I certainly don't seem to be able to help him right now, everything I do makes things worse.

It's so blood patronising when asked "Is there a father around?" Like it's a magic wand.
What if the father has died like in my instance? What help would that be?
It's a lazy response, oh get the father to sort him out because as a woman your not basically up to it.
OP, l personally would step back and leave it up to him. My eldest left school at 16, he found an apprenticeship straight away, since then has chopped and changed , now 22 and in mortgages and finance, doing well. You got him this far but now it's his responsibility to sort himself out.

My 16 year old complete shuts down regarding things like this too, he is currently studying A Levels but I feel like he is just going through the motions, he takes no responsibility for anything and if I ask him anything about his studying or next steps I get nothing, I’m told that I don’t need to worry - well I do because if he thinks he is just going to bum around living off me for free into adulthood he is mistaken. I’ve talked about no longer paying his mobile and gym due to his entitled attitude and because he needs to understand some monetary value.

Hi OP - in Scotland every school has an independent careers adviser who can help. I'd speak to his guidance teacher and ask that he has an appt with them as a priority

Would an apprenticeship motivate him more? I know my son got really fed up with school/college, he did a 2 apprenticeship and the company are now sending him to uni to do a Civil Engineering degree, he's still working for them, he goes on block release.

I would love if he did an apprenticeship but he shows no interest at all. Most I've looked at I'm not sure he has the right grades for though anyway. Hoping he sees some opportunities at the career fayre. I think its just his lack of up and go that worries me the most.

It's immaturity. He may well catch up in maturity over the next couple of years.

Is PT a realistic goal at his age? I can't imagine most people being OK with a PT who is only in their teens. Could he look at entry level jobs in gyms or leisure centres to start with?

He could look at a BTEC in Sport. There is continuous coursework and quite a bit of practical sport. Would he enjoy that fo you think? He really needs to be looking at college courses now.

Do you have park runs near you on Saturday or Sunday mornings? It’s a free easy activity for any level of fitness. You don’t mention any other types sport or hobbies he does. If he wants to work in PT then it will help keep him fit and meeting lots of other teens and adults with interests in sports and clubs.

They take volunteers doing lots of different jobs too from carpark to running with the slowest person. It might give him a feel of what a PT job could be like. It’s more likely to involve getting an inactive person to run around the local park than in some glamours gym. He might hate it which helps to cancel out some options too.