Page 2 | 18 year old in the middle of an abusive rant. I wish I had never had kids.

SparklyJadeFawn · 22/08/2024 21:16

BigButtons · 05/01/2024 06:47

Thanks for your support.
bit of family history for context. I have 6 kids. 4of them live with my ex- he has super big house- pays for everything . He was also physically and emotionally emotionally abusive towards me for ball the time I was with him.
the kids lived in a less than great environment. I left him with the 4 youngest when the now 18 year old was 6. He has spent the intervening years slagging me off and telling the children so was abusive towards them. If has been his aim to get them all to live with him.
she lived with him for about 6 months a year ago but came back because she hated it. This has been an issue for him ever since.
the three eldest are 25,24 and 22. They do endless university studies and live in his house without paying a penny towards anything. I do not agree with that.
the youngest is 16 and chose to go and live there to be with his brothers.
My 18 year old smokes weed and lives a lifestyle she knows I hate. When she doesn’t get what she wants she spins the ‘you are abusive’ narrative that is used at the other house.
i wish she would go and live there but she hates it there.

Why did you leave the four youngest with him?

Original poster

BigButtons · 22/08/2024 23:32

The four youngest came with me.

OP posts:

SparklyJadeFawn · 22/08/2024 23:39

Ah ok

Littleorangeflowers · 27/08/2024 17:56

I mean... Tell her to stop being so rude or she knows where the door is?! She's 18.

BruFord · 27/08/2024 18:02

BumpyaDaisyevna · 04/01/2024 19:49

Maybe 🤔 I'm naive (my eldest is only 14) but what I'm thinking is why are you allowing this? Why don't you or your DH go to her and tell her to stop this abusive rant right now - or leave the house.

I just can't see why you allow her to imprison you in your bedroom and subject you to this.

If it were my house my DH or I would just say" how DARE you speak to me like this. Either you stop this RIGHT NOW or you leave this house until you can behave in an acceptable way. "

But maybe I'm naive ... and don't know what parenting older teens is like.

@BumpyaDaisyevna You're not naive, that’s exactly the language I’d use to DD (19) or DS (15).

Screaming abuse isn’t tolerated in this house, end of. I know it’s hard, OP, but you need to stand up to her.

UrbanFan · 27/08/2024 18:05

Ok now you have to stop this. You let man be abusive to you and now you are letting this young woman treat you like dirt. She's not a child but a full grown adult. Pack her bags, put them outside the front door and tell her to go. She won't be homeless after all. She can live with the man that has set her an example. It doesn't matter if she hates it, that is not your problem.

I know it's hard. But if you don't do it you will never had a decent life. You owe her nothing even if you do love her. She is your child after all. But you must not allow this to continue.

No one has the right to treat you like this. You are important. Your feelings matter. Put yourself first.

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/08/2024 18:09

BigButtons · 05/01/2024 06:47

Thanks for your support.
bit of family history for context. I have 6 kids. 4of them live with my ex- he has super big house- pays for everything . He was also physically and emotionally emotionally abusive towards me for ball the time I was with him.
the kids lived in a less than great environment. I left him with the 4 youngest when the now 18 year old was 6. He has spent the intervening years slagging me off and telling the children so was abusive towards them. If has been his aim to get them all to live with him.
she lived with him for about 6 months a year ago but came back because she hated it. This has been an issue for him ever since.
the three eldest are 25,24 and 22. They do endless university studies and live in his house without paying a penny towards anything. I do not agree with that.
the youngest is 16 and chose to go and live there to be with his brothers.
My 18 year old smokes weed and lives a lifestyle she knows I hate. When she doesn’t get what she wants she spins the ‘you are abusive’ narrative that is used at the other house.
i wish she would go and live there but she hates it there.

She is massively trauma impacted and so all the 'consequences' parenting advice in the world won't help. She needs time and really skilled therapy. And even then, she will still have lastly effects from the abusive behaviours.

You need to find parenting classes with good educators, who can help you with how to parent a child who has been so failed by her father.

Begsthequestion · 27/08/2024 20:08

Just wondering what's wrong with studying at university and being supported to do so by a parent, when you are in your early-mid 20s?

TheHeadOfTheHouse · 27/08/2024 20:11

BananaPyjamaLlama · 04/01/2024 21:54

My ds is about the same age and does this sometimes too (thankfully not so often now). As someone else said, for him its generally because being mean to me is a safe space - an opportunity to let out all his angst and rage - and know that Ill just hide and wait for him to calm down. At which point I tell him that sort of behaviour isnt at all ok, that he made me cry and feel awful. And he will look sheepish and apologise etc.
Its awful, totally not ok and obviously I would rather never ever to have experienced it - but having outbursts like that at home, at me - has meant he hasnt done it in public, to strangers, to friends etc.

Its very much like a teens/young adult version of toddler rage.

“Being mean to me is a safe place”

that’s absolute rubbish.

people who are mean to others, are not mean to them because they’re their safe place, it’s because they know that person will take it and they can get away with it.

BananaPyjamaLlama · 27/08/2024 21:16

@TheHeadOfTheHouse Congrats on bumping a thread from January 🙄

Feel free to come and spend a week in my life. He doesnt get away with it.

PeerKristijan · 28/08/2024 03:19

BigButtons · 04/01/2024 17:45

That’s it really. She is number 5 out of 6. App I am the most atrocious and abusive mother ever. She has been standing outside my bedroom spewing out a diatribe of the most hurt things she can think of saying. I actually have stopped listening. If has been going on for half an hour now.

From what I'm hearing, it appears that a) she believed that she had been wronged and b) her anger was so intense that she felt the need to prolong this hostiliy for at least half an hour and c) she didn't believe that a more productive approach would've helped. I wonder what happened to her all these years.