Really struggling with DS 18

[DesperateSusans]

I’m struggling with my son. He’s 18 has ADHD and I just can’t seem to find a balance between trying to support him on a daily basis / with life skills and having firm boundaries.

Some background
Previous school refuser, can’t cope with being told what to do
Terrible with money (despite practical help from his Dad and I about budgeting)
Quite explosive- can’t regulate his feelings or emotions, very easily stressed about things like constantly losing keys, wallet, phone)
Can’t / won’t cook, tidy up after himself

Strategies we have tried to implement
Jobs - we have applied for every job he’s had (he’s had a few) and ensured he’s up in time, taken him and collected him (although he now drives so this is no longer an issue)
Time management- encouraged him to set alarms to help him get ready in time (for work), allocated a specific part of his wardrobe for his work clothes and shoes so he knows where everything is.
Bought him a ‘tile’ so he can always track his wallet, keys and phone (he hasn’t set this up and says he’s lost it)
made short videos on how to make simple meals, use the oven and washing machine and then WhatsApp to him.

It’ not working
He either ignores our advice or ‘forgets’ to implement things (like set alarms for time management etc).

We’ve tried ‘learning the hard way’. Eg, if you don’t do laundry, your clothes don’t get washed, if you don’t set alarms you will be late etc. This approach was with the view that he would have no choice but to learn responsibility for himself and improve. Guess what - yep it didn’t work.

He has lost several jobs as he can’t manage his time (when we tried to get him to do this himself). If he has no clean clothes, he won’t actually wash them, just has a meltdown and says he can’t cope, if I refuse to make him food he gets in his car and drives to McDonalds.

Although he doesn’t often lose his temper anymore (probably because I make his life far less stressful), we’ve just had a huge argument. He was hungry so I told him to put a pizza in the oven. He said he couldn’t find the pizza (it was exactly where I told him) and he’s kicked off, slamming doors, kicking his bin and generally acting demented.

I told him his behaviour is totally unacceptable and if he can’t behave appropriately he will need to find somewhere else to live. (I don’t actually think I would follow through on this as he struggles to cope at home with a support network but I was angry and exhausted).

I feel torn between trying to support him as he clearly struggles with day to day life and feeling like I’m being completely taken advantage of.

I’d like to hear from other parents in a similar situation and ask how you cope please?

Just wanted to add that I have obviously just talked about the problems (issues). He is generally a nice, kind, generous and funny person. He’s very open with his Dad and I which is important to us as parents so I would know if there was other things going on in his life - plus his lovely girlfriend (who quite frankly must have the patience of a saint and deserves a medal), tells us everything that’s going on with him anyway!

My DD has adhd. Alarms did not help as she either forgot to set them or simply switched them off.

Visual timer is better for measuring time.

If you want to support him eg with laundry then body doubling is probably the way to go - do it with him to start with, make it really easy (buy him a drying rack and laundry basket that is just his etc) and expect to do it with him for at least six weeks until he's really learnt how to do it.

We found meds significantly helped.

My DS (17) as just been diagnosed with ADHD after refusing to go to college (This triggered us to investigate for any underlying issues).

I have just decided to go back to putting his washing away and helping him keep his room clean. I left it to him but he can't seem to cope and having a mess room doesn't help him.

He also has bursts of temper, which he says are due to frustration. He can't seem to regulate his emotions.

We're considering medication, has your DC tried any for ADHD?

I wish I had the answer of how much to help support vs leaving him to it, I completely understand why you'd ask him to leave the house as it such a difficult way to live. At 18 he is an adult, I'd be really stressed if my DC doesn't go back to college or do something to get him out of the house by the age of 18/19,

Thank you for replying- it’s really hard isn’t it?!

I had considered medication many years ago (between age 12-16) he was absolutely horrendous- violent, full of rage, smoking weed frequently etc. However, this last couple of years he’s calmed down a lot. I have discussed medication with him in the last year or so and he point blank refuses, stating there is nothing wrong with him 😬.

As overall his behaviour is much better (he stopped smoking weed over a year ago thank god) and his outbursts are infrequent I’m not sure medication would now be appropriate anyway.

It’s this constant turmoil I feel of whether I’m parenting him correctly- he’s an adult and should be doing these things, however I know that he simply just can’t cope in reality. He is quite immature which I think is linked to ADHD.

His outbursts are definitely a direct result of frustration- problem is he has no desire (or maybe doesn’t understand) how to be rational, patient and calm.

Thankfully, over the last year or two he has developed a good sense of humour and can laugh at himself which is positive. It’s sometimes like watching a comedy sketch, eg he’s looking for a particular top, rather than carefully lifting and moving the other clothes carefully in his drawer he will just throw all the other clothes in the air to land haphazardly on the floor until he finds what he’s looking for, or if he’s managed to ‘make’ toast he’ll try and put the butter lid on the marmite jar (which is obviously a completely different shape and size), after a while he’ll realise that’s just not going to fit so will just give up leaving the two items without their correct lids on the side.

There was a time he would have gotten all wound up with this trivia but now he can generally see how his actions are actually quite comical to others and we can laugh about it.

He does have his own laundry basket, although I’m not quite sure he fully understands the concept of how the laundry process works. I will use the same basket with his clean folded laundry in placed outside his room for him to put away, he will put about half of it away, get distracted and forget to complete the task then put dirty laundry on top so the basket is now mixed with half clean, half dirty clothes 🤣🤣. Maybe two laundry baskets of different colours is the way forward!

It's so very hard!

It's good to hear he stopped smoking weed. My DS started recently and it ramped up a lot last month. We've cut off all money sources and I've had to lock away bank cards and money in the house. I've been reading how weed and ADHD meds do not interact well, so it's a worry if he does want to try any medicines.

How has your DS reacted to you saying he might need to find somewhere else to live? Does he have a job at the moment or any way of funding a place to live and his living expenses? Would you contribute to help him if he moves out?

I'm sure you have - have you set out what appropriate behaviour looks like? I find my DS doesn't "hear" me when I try to talk to him about behaviour and what he should be doing (or not), he seems to block me out.

His dad says I am too ready to look for the good in DS and that means I am too ready to forgive and forget unacceptable behavior- do you find similar? I just want us all to be happy but that seems a monumental task with DS being the way he is.

Hi just joining, no real advice as I've hit a low with my D's 19. He has been smoking weed on and off, then sneakily THC after supposedly giving it up. I am getting loads of angry outbursts, punching the wall and telling me to fuck off basically when he is asked to do something or if he doesn't get what he wants. It's like a toddler in an adult body having a meltdown. He is ND, but no ADHD diagnosis. He has supposedly contacted a mental health nurse and is waiting for support but he doesn't answer his phone. Also signed up to the job centre, but I am worried when he does get money that it will be blown on weed. I just feel his anger is getting worse and worse and I actually feel intimidated and scared for the first time because he is destroying my house and my mental health and I feel emotionally broken. I can't even go near him at the moment as he sets my anxiety off.

How old is your DS? The weed smoking was very heavy at around ages 15 & 16. It’s absolutely rampant and more often than not, doing it to fit in with peers. I know with my DS he acts all cool with his mates, but underneath he’s deeply insecure and desperately wants to be liked and popular. Like you I also cut off all money sources, however he just kept smoking, finding money from part time cash in hand jobs and all his mates would let him smoke their weed with the premise that he’d reciprocate when he had money. It was utterly soul destroying. He started getting in trouble on two occasions he was brought home by the police, once because he was caught on CCTV in town kicking a bicycle, the other for being drunk (probably high too). None of this had any impact, he just thought it was all pretty cool and told all his friends who thought it was hilarious.

A turning point came when he was riding on the back of his mates motorcycle, which was being chased by the police. It was eventually cornered off by police vehicles (no one injured). His mate was charged with driving under the influence of alcohol and drugs. DS scarpered and wasn’t caught. Although he seemed perfectly ‘fine’ about this incident, he couldn’t wait to tell me about his ‘exciting evening’ with all the details. I told him actually it’s not hilarious, someone could have been injured or died. I told him in no uncertain terms I would not be offering any financial assistance to driving lessons whilst he was in this phase of thinking smoking weed was a normal way of life and how disappointed I was with his whole outlook. I knew he desperately wanted to drive and he knew I meant it. I also explained that he was very lucky to have a secure and supportive home (unlike a lot of his friends who had experienced unhappy and disordered childhoods). It was like something clicked and he stopped seeing this group of friends and he stopped the weed.

He is currently working for Amazon on the warehouse packing parcels, he seems to be enjoying it. He earns a couple of hundred a week, but is absolutely shocking with money. So many times we’ve told him to save, offered to set up direct debits etc, but to no avail. He keeps buying money tins (the cheap ones which you can’t open, then has a moment of weakness and opens it with a tin opener. Goes to JD Sports (doesn’t think to shop around to save money) and comes back with Nike and NorthFace clothes (full price, not even in the sale), then gets all huffy if we say I thought you were saving? I guess (hope) as he’s immature this will improve with time. He shrugs and says but it’s my money, I earned it.

Realistically even if he earned more money he is currently incapable (mentally) of paying bills, food shopping etc. If I gently mention about moving out, he does look worried and sad and says no, I like it here, I take this opportunity to remind him how lucky he is to have a loving, supportive family and that showing respect is important to maintaining a happy dynamic within the house.

I learned a long time ago to reassess my expectations. When he was in the peak of his shitty behaviour, my boundaries were not to tolerate drugs in the house or violence towards anyone. I would step away and not intervene if he was punching his wall or throwing things around in his room, wait for the calm after the storm and calmly ask what on earth was going on with him. Sometimes I’d get told to fuck off, sometimes he’d break down and say he just felt so much frustration and anger he had no control. He told me this is why he smoked weed, so he didn’t feel angry all the time. This was a couple of years ago, thankfully this kind of behaviour is behind us (with the exception of some mild outbursts).

With all the other stuff (in my op) about generally being a pain in the arse, I let it wash over me generally, but he was clearly not coping with the fact that he had to make his own pizza which tipped me over the edge on that day too, hence the reason why I posted.

I am very much like you, in your last paragraph. I am quick to forgive and forget. Obviously this is because I’m his Mum and love him unconditionally, but also because I have also seen what’s under the behaviour which is a frustrated individual who realises he struggles with things others find simplistic, and sees himself as a failure. It’s so very hard to strike that balance between not putting up with shit and supporting his mental health.

My advice is don’t sweat the small stuff, try and praise him wherever possible, even for the trivial stuff. I’ve found myself saying, great you remembered to bring the dirty plates down, or how do you make that toast look so good? Mines always soggy when I butter it! I can see him looking chuffed when he doesn’t know I can see his face. Honestly it’s like dealing with a toddler again 😂

Be firm when you need to, but always let him know he is loved and you want what’s best for him. I used to repeat the mantra when things were rubbish ‘this will pass, I don’t know when, but it will pass and one day my lovely boy will come back’ and he did. Yours will too.

It’s awful isn’t it? Do you know what triggers these outbursts? For us it was sheer frustration/ anger of not being able to do straight forward things eg, not being able to organise himself, manage his time or find his belongings (phone and wallet). It was also triggering for him if I was asking him to do something. Asking him to tidy his room or walk the dog was clearly unreasonable and nagging in his world.

I changed tac, became all bright and breezy (a firm tone of voice to him was like he was being told what to and treated like a child- oh the irony 😂), and rephrased everything eg, the other day your room looked so tidy, wouldn’t it be good for it to look like that again? You did such a great job. Or, gosh I think the dog loved that walk you took him on the other day, did you see how worn out he was when he came back, he went straight to sleep, he must have had a great run around- you get the idea. I’m not going to lie, sometimes it fell on deaf ears, but sometimes it worked and the outbursts reduced significantly. Patience is your friend, pretend he’s 3 again.

if at all possible, do not intervene when he’s having a tantrum (unless of course you have do i.e, he’s putting himself or someone else in danger). In the aftermath I’d calmly say what a shame your mirror is smashed, how about we work out a plan to replace/ pay for it? He’d contribute over the next few weeks/ months and we’d replace it on the understanding that if it happened again it would not get replaced unless he replaced (and paid) for it himself.

I’ve been exactly where you are, my anxiety was off the charts, please remember you must look after your own mental health, can you take some time for yourself? I tried to detach in my mind the behaviour from my son- this helped me not feel quite as upset, angry and anxious. It helped me to realise that it wasn’t personal (I know how difficult that is, but trust me, it’s not personal- he sees you as his ‘safe’ person to vent on).

I can relate to all of this dd19 has adhd and it causes me so much anxiety 😟. Meds make her ill, too much weed, no off button when it comes to alcohol, verbally abusive when drunk and no job for 18 months.

There is no way she could move out and cope on her own. I also have to help tidy her room etc. they say adhd brains are 3-4 years behind emotionally. The funny thing is, before about 12 years of age, everyone commented on how mature she was 🤷‍♀️

@DesperateSusans I wanted to say thanks for your advice. I have read and re-read when things get particularly difficult with my DS.

How are things with your DS now?

Hope everyone is ok. I was wondering what age did you get the ADHD diagnosis? My D's was always well behaved at school u told year 11 after lockdown when he refused to go back and started risky behaviour and trying weed.

Can I also join the club youngest DD18 - no weed thankfully, but recently started drinking and spending and gone through her saved money and overdrawn in just over a month!! Thankfully she has some saved elsewhere and I'm now thinking of switching her account to a Basic one where you the card stops once you've hit your limit! We do set some boundaries some of which she accepts others not but also I'm trying to back off e.g. with the money natural consequence of running out and now she knows she has to get a job, handouts wont be coming from us! DD was okish in school - works quite hard! It's more social issues she has misunderstandings and impulsivity. Held down a summer job for a while but then got a warning for speaking inappropriately and another for being late - after that she quit!

My biggest difficulty is not worrying about her! What she's up to, and stressing about the future! I do need to detach more than I am,other parents seem much more chilled than I am.