My teenager is making me depressed

[surlycurly]

I live alone with my teenage son (17). Growing up he's always been fun, caring and good company. Since he hit 13 this all changed. He's still not a bad kid but he treats me like I'm dirt. I know that I'm not the first parent to experience this but I'm very conscious that it's really getting me down. I don't have a lot of friends, or a partner and have been off work with a back issue so most of the time it's just me and him. He's lazy, disrespectful and superior. I know that he's not causing chaos but it's the arrogance and the distain that's getting to me. And the mess. It's like he's lost all respect for me. I made the decision not to have a serious relationship until he went to uni because I didn't want the ego clash, but I'm actually quite sure he'd treat me better if someone else was here. I feel isolated and depressed. I sat in my sitting room crying last night and how miserable I felt. Talking to him makes a difference for five minutes and then he's back to his entitled behaviour. He's due to move out in September and I dread the time in between. I feel all I do is moan and then argue with him.

Probably not looking for advice, just hoping I'm not the only one to feel this way.

Bump

I’m sorry this is happening for you. It must be hard to have him change so suddenly and his behaviour to be so alienating. You must feel so frustrated.

I wonder, has he got anyone else in his life to provide a bit of a mirror to him or show him his own behaviour?

Can you put yourself first more? In a way it's a natural part of flying the nest for teenagers to break away from their parents and to develop their own identity although he shouldn't be being rude. He will always be your son and will need you although he may not fully understand that at the moment. I would suggest that now is the time to do things for yourself and to do more of what you enjoy so that you are also independent and not putting him first when he is getting to the stage where it is no so necessary.

I'd start building a life of your own- doesn't have to be a bloke- it could be friends, hobbies, exercise, short holidays, evening classes etc.

Stop doing things for him and cut off any privileges like pocket money etc when he's rude and disrespectful to you. Yes he's a teenager but he's not a young teen and should at least be civil to you.

I think part of this issue is that there are literally no men in his life, just myself, my mum and his sister. His dad isn't involved. I think he needs to be around more men but short of getting a boyfriend to help out, I'm at a bit of a loss.

We had an hour long conversation this afternoon about his attitude, but only after I'd had another big cry. This is not how I thought we'd turn out.

He just got a just so the money has stopped. He has a couple of unconditional for uni so has opted out in school, despite me telling him he needs to keep working. I'm not a push over in life but I definitely think I'm too soft hearted and need to back off.

That should say 'job'

You are very clearly a lovely mum and your feelings are absolutely normal. There are lots of transitional times in raising a child and it sounds like now is a period or readjustment.

I just spend a lot of my time wishing that I was the one packing up and going to uni. Fingers crossed we both survive until then.

Make some plans before September, a spa day for yourself, trip to a museum, get some new books from the library, whatever you enjoy.

My mum was a single parent and did a degree in Sociology through the Open University, if you enjoy learning now is your time! 🙂

They are such brats at this age 😥
Deep breaths, try and stay calm and before you know it, it will be Sept and he will be gone!

Teenagers can be quite hangry, so definitely avoid them till after breakfast 😉

Instead of long chats etc to try to get him onboard the only thing I resorted to which has worked is a very short sharp who the fuck do you think you are talking to me like that? I'm your mother and there's is no need for your disgusting attitude. Exit etc - I found the long emotions based stuff had no impact whatsoever.

He's just very different to my other one. I actually only really need to cope until he's finished school and then things should be easier. And I have two jobs and two degrees- I'd love to study more but time and finances don't allow it. I AM going to have a trip away over the summer for about three weeks. He'll cope and I need the break. Should recharge me enough to stop me writing him out the will.

I echoe finding your own
Hobbies which relax you.
Teenagers life's can seem full of fun compared to being an adult but he still needs you. Count to 3 before you engage with him!

Try making your own thread for more
replies

Op

He won’t always be like this but in the meantime please try to withdraw from him.

So avoid him, don’t always make unnecessary conversation and pick your battles wisely.

If he tries to come in and start a row then simply get up and leave the room

It’s called saving your sanity. He will come out the other side. Just know it’s because he’s a teen and this is not about anything you are doing wrong.

I just read this and I believe this was me when I was a teen. Same situation, no male figures around at all.

I didn't realise what i was like, but we had a family friend come to stay once and he picked me up on it because he witnessed it, said it was disgusting and I believe that must have sunk in, or at least made me realise some what.

What I can tell you is that your boy will love you more than life itself in future when he grows up. Him moving out should help a lot.

A good strong male role model would certainly help but unfortunately it's not always possible. It's very common for fatherless boys to be angry. No one to humble them.

Teens in general though, it's said that it's in our dna to rebel at that age otherwise we'd never leave.

The dynamic will correct as he moves out and time goes by, and I apologise on behalf of all self entitled know it all teens because i was one.

My daughter is starting to pay me back now at 13!

Trust me, you are the best thing in his life even if right now it seems the opposite.

do you have any male relatives or friends who could come to stay? Great you have 3 weeks away and try and focus on your own life as much as possible.

could you book him into any residential things to broaden his horizons? Eg engineering camp, coding camp? Camp Canada?!

Having a father in the house should help but otoh we have a nightmare teen boy and his father is very much present (and played more active role in his life than most men) and he has older brothers. He just shows contempt.