12 year old has changed

[LyndaC91]

Hi all,

I've not been on Mumsnet in years but reaching out tonight for some advice. My 12 year old son started secondary school this year and in the last month or so, he has changed so much and not for the good. He's constantly huffing, rolling his eyes and speaking down to his Dad and I. Everything is a chore for him and there's no fun anymore with him. I know kids get older and as puberty hits, they do change but really struggling with this. I just feel like I don't know him anymore. I caught him swearing on the phone tonight to one of his pals and I've never heard him swear before. It was so upsetting and disappointing. Any advice?

Buckle up as it's going to get a lot worse :(

Yep. DS is the same age and is as you describe, with an added dose of taking utter nonsense constantly whilst being very sure he is right. We love him, but he is frankly very hard work to be around right now.
I have two older DD's who were nightmare teens in other ways but in finding his constant negativity, back chat and just nonsense the hardest of all.

I remember DS going through a phase like this, as well as exactly what you've described he thought he was right about absolutely everything, he would argue he was right until he was blue in the face even when you'd proved him to be wrong.

I don't think we did anything specific that I could advise, we just rode it out with a bit of "you don't want to empty the dishwasher? That's fine. I don't want to give you a lift to your friends later" and we did actually follow through with those consequences.

Tbh we were lucky as that was about as bad as it got for us. By the time he was 16/17 he was an absolute sweetheart again.

haha @piscofrisco cross posted - the being right about everything, glad to see it wasn't just us

It might be helpful for you to find out exactly what he's going through. There are some huge brain changes during adolescence. I found it easier to be calm, steadfast and supportive when I didn't take any of it personally because I understood what was going on. I have older teens now and a great relationship with them.

When my eldest was about 11, I watched a lecture by Nathan Wallis about understanding the adolescent brain. I found it really helpful.

When kids mix with others from different families and with different personalities, and are with them majority of the time, they pick up things. It shouldn't come as a surprise. They can go either one way or the other.

You'd just have to re-evaluate your parenting and tailor accordingly to fit the stage he is at.

This sounds EXACTLY like my 12 year old!! I think it's just a case of riding it out!

I'm on to teen number 4. It's hard seeing your lovely little boy turning into a little bugger. Hold on though, ignore the slamming as much as possible and engage when they deign you with their presence, try and find a mutual interest. If they are rude don't give them what they want until they ask in a vaguely polite way (without creating a big scene). Watch how they engage with other adults / people that shows how they will end up. They do return to you after about 23!! And there are lovely moments to be bad.

Mines in year 7 and has become quite annoying too- I love him but he seems to think he’s always right at the moment and likes to argue his point where he can.

I wouldn’t make a big deal of the swearing tho op. He didn’t swear to you or his family, it’s totally normal for kids to swear among friends.

Sounds totally normal

We’re going through this with a 14 year old. It’s hard work. I’m trying to roll with some of it but I lost it on Christmas Day when he barged into me on the stairs instead of letting me finish my descent first before he came up them. I’m tightening up on certain things now as I’ve been too lenient I fear and trying the I’ll do x for you when you’ve done y for me. He’s ASC and so I think he literally needs telling how things work socially. I was assuming he’d just pick it up but so far it hasn’t happened although he’s much better behaved with others which gives me some hope 🤞 It’s a rough ride though!