My 13 year old daughter and I just can’t seem to get along anymore. Everything single thing I say or do annoys her & it triggers extreme anger. She is autistic and likely has ADHD (awaiting assessment). But it’s not just me, it’s everyone & anything. She just carries around this constant boiling rage and deals with her anger by being extremely rude, calling me names and being disrespectful. I can deal with the anger but the things she says to me, and the way she analyses and criticises me, is something else!
She is also extremely controlling of me. She insists I put her to bed every night, meaning I have to stop whatever I am doing at 9.30pm on the dot to sit with her for an hour before she will attempt sleep. If I go out with friends for the night, she will give me a huge guilt trip before I go and text me constantly asking when I’m back (despite knowing excatly when I’ll be back). She simply cannot stand to not be in control of me. It’s the cause of a lot of tension between us.
I get that she has anxiety and is autistic and that controlling me makes her feel safer and calmer, but it’s not healthy or sustainable. The toll on my mental health has been devastating- I’m no longer the person I was and I massively resent her for that.
We were always very close but her behaviour now pushes me away and the only thing I have to look forward to in my life is when she is not at home. That sounds awful but it’s true.
I try talking to her to repair things but she just gaslights me to the point where I lose my cool. She won’t take responsibility for how she manages her anger and blames me for absolutely everything.
She won’t go to therapy and says I’m the problem and I should just go to a mental hospital so I can get better and look after her better! That’s how she responds to anything really.
I struggle with how to handle her behaviour because she’s autistic (what is autism and what is teen stuff?!) and our relationship has broken down. I just feel so sad and in mourning over the loss of the lovely bond we once had.