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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

First teenage heartbreak

5 replies

Liz79k · 27/12/2023 13:52

My 16yr dd is currently going through her first heartbreak. Her boyfriend of 9 months has ended their relationship a week ago stating he needs time to work on himself. This of course is absolutely fine and I do not hold that against him at all and completely respect his decision. However he has continued to message her daily to check in with her. She has deleted him off the various social networking apps to give herself time to get over him because she's heartbroken but he still continues to message her "as a friend." It seems to me that he doesn't want a relationship with her at the moment but he's trying to leave the door ajar for himself so he can slip back in when it suits him. It is breaking my heart seeing her so upset. She's barely eating and is not sleeping well. I keep telling her that although it feels rubbish right now she will gradually start to feel happier and at peace with it all.
I would really appreciate some advice from others who have been in a similar situation.
Thanks

OP posts:
BrokenWing · 27/12/2023 20:12

ds(19) is a bit older than your dd, split from is gf(19) of 18 months earlier this year - it just fizzled out for him, no one else involved and no one new on the scene yet. She still messages him occasionally and he responds.

He bumped into her on Christmas eve when he was out with friends at a local bar and she had a very teary/intense conversation with him and has been messaging him ever since saying she will hurt/cut herself if he doesn't meet up with her (usually in the middle of the night) to talk about why they split. I have no idea if she is trying to manipulating him or genuinely upset, probably a bit of both.

It is so hard watching it happen - thinking about both of them upset, ds has been in tears over it daily too. All you can do is be there to listen, try your best to guide them through it whether they are 16 or 19. I am trying to get ds to tell her to speak to her family/friends - hand over responsibility by him letting her friends know she appears to be struggling - and then block everywhere, which feels harsh, but I am finding it hard to judge if him replying is helping her or just dragging it out/giving her the wrong signals.

It was all so much easier when I was younger as we could just cut contact and work on getting over it. The only way to connect would have been the landline or knocking on parents front doors! Although I do remember once late at night an ex climbing in the garden and throwing mud at my window to get my attention, dad chased him and on inspecting the previously white house the next morning found he wasn't a very good aim!

Hope she starts to feel better soon, can you keep her busy, take her out, so she doesn't wallow in it too much?

something2say · 27/12/2023 21:00

I would teach her that no contact is hard but the easiest thing to do. And teach her how to distract herself from the pain. When there is nothing to gain from thinking about a thing, it pays to turn one's attention away from it and focus on the future. Block him off, help her face forwards and then see how she feels in a week. Maybe the odd fun conversation with your women friends in front of her about men you loved and that ended and how now you can see how unsuitable the whole thing was.

Eva90 · 27/12/2023 21:15

I remember this happening to me when I was 16 (28 now) and finding it really hard when they keep "checking in". She needs to be clear to him that she needs him to stop contacting her so she can heal. If he doesn't respect that then maybe she needs to block him for a while.

I'm sure it's horrible for you to see her going through this but she will get through it. How about planning a nice girly day for the two of you if you can? It doesn't have to be expensive, even just a cosy self care evening together, lots of snacks and a funny film.

All I can say is I remember my lovely mum being my rock through those heartbreaks, teaching me that life goes on and there is plenty of time to find the right one, and to never settle for less. I'm sure just having you there for her is helping more than you realise x

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 27/12/2023 21:17

Get her listening to Ali and AJ the potential breakup song. In fact the whole album is good for a break up.
Nothing helps except time. She needs to be kept busy too. Shame :(

Liz79k · 28/12/2023 11:07

Thanks so much to all of you for your advice. I can see now I'm on the right track with helping her through it. We've been to the sales clothes shopping, I did her nails and we cleaned and tidied her bedroom together then watched a movie. Today we may go bowling. I've advised her to block him to allow herself time to get over him. I just hope she can find the strength to do that. It was definitely so much easier when I was younger. None of this constant social networking communication 24/7.
Thanks again.

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