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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

16 year olds and drinking in the house

20 replies

Flyhigher · 24/12/2023 19:07

How did you police the teens drinking in the house?
They are okish- but they have taken a fair bit of gin and vodka. Even when we had locked wine fridges. We think they forced the admittedly flimsy lock.

What did different parents do? We'd like to keep some booze in the house. Prefer them to drink here some times. Rather than in the park or other peoples houses.

Advice please! Not enjoying this teen phase at all!

OP posts:
Yesididntdothat · 24/12/2023 19:12

They stole from you? That is not ok at all, even if you're ok with them drinking. I've a 16 year old and he will get a can of beer tomorrow (if he's lucky) and that's it. Not at teens need to drink. We have a cupboard full of alcohol and none of it seems to have gone down/been taken. What did they say when you asked about the missing bottles?

RolyPolyBatFacedGirl · 24/12/2023 19:27

Well they'll do it anyway so I prefer to foster an environment where they tell me they're doing it!

I wouldn't have them helping themselves though. That is categorically not on.

I don't like my 17 year old drinking and love to 'forbid' it but what good would that do? I'd rather be in the loop about it than not so I allow it and I'm trying to teach him moderation.

Sneaking drink would be a no no though so if I were you that is where I'd be starting with boundaries

RolyPolyBatFacedGirl · 24/12/2023 19:29

On a re read of your OP I think the issue is your teens being bloody badly behaved tbh - they should not be breaking locks to steal from you

I'd also say no to gin and vodka .. the compromise is cider / beer / a cocktail tin

EmptyYoghurtPot · 24/12/2023 19:32

I’d be more worried about the stealing/damage to property than the drinking. When our older DC were teens we allowed them to drink with us for things like birthdays, Sunday lunch, football watching with Dad etc. Never felt the need to steal it.

Original poster
Flyhigher · 24/12/2023 23:18

A group of about 10 arrived. 2 boys took some gin. We have big wine fridges. With hidden locks.

Agree the compromise is 5% cans. So ... but how do you stop them?

OP posts:
elliejjtiny · 24/12/2023 23:26

We don't have alcohol in the house. We have 3 teens (17, 15, 13) and none have shown any interest in alcohol so far. I'd rather they drink at home than somewhere else when the time comes though.

coffeandrteav · 24/12/2023 23:55

RolyPolyBatFacedGirl · 24/12/2023 19:27

Well they'll do it anyway so I prefer to foster an environment where they tell me they're doing it!

I wouldn't have them helping themselves though. That is categorically not on.

I don't like my 17 year old drinking and love to 'forbid' it but what good would that do? I'd rather be in the loop about it than not so I allow it and I'm trying to teach him moderation.

Sneaking drink would be a no no though so if I were you that is where I'd be starting with boundaries

Agree with this. Rather at home than god knows where.

Breaking locks would piss me off though. That isn't on.

Burntouted · 27/12/2023 04:17

Drinking with them nor allowing it at home is okay.

It's not okay to drink with your children.
It's not okay to allow children to drink in your home.
It's not okay to allow and give other people's children permission to drink and access to alcohol.

It's not okay to have alcohol in the house with children...especially in an non private space, where they can easily access, in quantities...in a place with a flimsy lock.

You are just giving them another place to drink and free booze. Permission to get as drunk as they want and to become alcoholics in your home. Which would backfire on you if they ever were. They'd blame you.
You can't stop them from drinking elsewhere..or all together.

You have to let them make their own choices, and accept any consequences with it...learn lessons, and grow. Develop into their own person. You need to just trust them, and trust that they will make responsible decisions on their own...eventually.

Life happens to everyone. You can't prevent nor protect them from life.

Not all teenagers drink, and not all teenagers are irresponsible.

You don't even know for sure that they vandalized and stole.

Assuming that they would just drink and be irresponsible is weird...as not all teenagers drink, and a lot who do are responsible and know their limits.

Your house is not the safe environment that you feel it is.
You and the environment are promoting and encouraging your children to have an alcohol dependency problem. ..
(Which if they're stealing alcohol, they perhaps already have)

You also are basically giving them permission to not respect your home, you, and the boundaries that are needed to be in place.

You are encouraging them to mask their problems in alcohol. ..poor mental health.

They keep stealing because you haven't acted as a parent in this situation, perhaps in others... Therefore they don't respect you, nor the home. Trying to be "cool" parents ..You give them mixed messages.. one hand you're acting like a buddy/ a lieniet parent...then you're trying to be authoritative.

Seriously, you have to work on getting control and reign of your house...and learn to be responsible parents.

Remove all the alcohol from your home. Keep the home alcohol free. If you feel like a drink, go out and have one..

Stop giving local children alcohol..before you wind up with large problems.

Perhaps you, your children, and their dad((?) Should attend rehab, and learn how to have a good time without alcohol.

EmptyYoghurtPot · 27/12/2023 08:40

Burntouted · 27/12/2023 04:17

Drinking with them nor allowing it at home is okay.

It's not okay to drink with your children.
It's not okay to allow children to drink in your home.
It's not okay to allow and give other people's children permission to drink and access to alcohol.

It's not okay to have alcohol in the house with children...especially in an non private space, where they can easily access, in quantities...in a place with a flimsy lock.

You are just giving them another place to drink and free booze. Permission to get as drunk as they want and to become alcoholics in your home. Which would backfire on you if they ever were. They'd blame you.
You can't stop them from drinking elsewhere..or all together.

You have to let them make their own choices, and accept any consequences with it...learn lessons, and grow. Develop into their own person. You need to just trust them, and trust that they will make responsible decisions on their own...eventually.

Life happens to everyone. You can't prevent nor protect them from life.

Not all teenagers drink, and not all teenagers are irresponsible.

You don't even know for sure that they vandalized and stole.

Assuming that they would just drink and be irresponsible is weird...as not all teenagers drink, and a lot who do are responsible and know their limits.

Your house is not the safe environment that you feel it is.
You and the environment are promoting and encouraging your children to have an alcohol dependency problem. ..
(Which if they're stealing alcohol, they perhaps already have)

You also are basically giving them permission to not respect your home, you, and the boundaries that are needed to be in place.

You are encouraging them to mask their problems in alcohol. ..poor mental health.

They keep stealing because you haven't acted as a parent in this situation, perhaps in others... Therefore they don't respect you, nor the home. Trying to be "cool" parents ..You give them mixed messages.. one hand you're acting like a buddy/ a lieniet parent...then you're trying to be authoritative.

Seriously, you have to work on getting control and reign of your house...and learn to be responsible parents.

Remove all the alcohol from your home. Keep the home alcohol free. If you feel like a drink, go out and have one..

Stop giving local children alcohol..before you wind up with large problems.

Perhaps you, your children, and their dad((?) Should attend rehab, and learn how to have a good time without alcohol.

Only on Mumsnet would a conversation start with kids pinching a few bottles and end up with someone suggesting the whole family goes to rehab!

user701 · 27/12/2023 09:02

Burntouted · 27/12/2023 04:17

Drinking with them nor allowing it at home is okay.

It's not okay to drink with your children.
It's not okay to allow children to drink in your home.
It's not okay to allow and give other people's children permission to drink and access to alcohol.

It's not okay to have alcohol in the house with children...especially in an non private space, where they can easily access, in quantities...in a place with a flimsy lock.

You are just giving them another place to drink and free booze. Permission to get as drunk as they want and to become alcoholics in your home. Which would backfire on you if they ever were. They'd blame you.
You can't stop them from drinking elsewhere..or all together.

You have to let them make their own choices, and accept any consequences with it...learn lessons, and grow. Develop into their own person. You need to just trust them, and trust that they will make responsible decisions on their own...eventually.

Life happens to everyone. You can't prevent nor protect them from life.

Not all teenagers drink, and not all teenagers are irresponsible.

You don't even know for sure that they vandalized and stole.

Assuming that they would just drink and be irresponsible is weird...as not all teenagers drink, and a lot who do are responsible and know their limits.

Your house is not the safe environment that you feel it is.
You and the environment are promoting and encouraging your children to have an alcohol dependency problem. ..
(Which if they're stealing alcohol, they perhaps already have)

You also are basically giving them permission to not respect your home, you, and the boundaries that are needed to be in place.

You are encouraging them to mask their problems in alcohol. ..poor mental health.

They keep stealing because you haven't acted as a parent in this situation, perhaps in others... Therefore they don't respect you, nor the home. Trying to be "cool" parents ..You give them mixed messages.. one hand you're acting like a buddy/ a lieniet parent...then you're trying to be authoritative.

Seriously, you have to work on getting control and reign of your house...and learn to be responsible parents.

Remove all the alcohol from your home. Keep the home alcohol free. If you feel like a drink, go out and have one..

Stop giving local children alcohol..before you wind up with large problems.

Perhaps you, your children, and their dad((?) Should attend rehab, and learn how to have a good time without alcohol.

Grin
Teenagersscarethelivinshitoutofme · 27/12/2023 09:04

I'm a bit more moderate than the pp...
Two separate issues - drinking and stealing. Stealing - if they want to be treated like grown ups they need to act like one. Replace the stolen items with own money pronto. Was it a party/gathering when you weren't home? Maybe that's a no too
Drinking - they will do it anyway if they are so inclined. At 16 DD was 'allowed' to drink in the house with friends. This was usually vodka. I'd make sure there was some in but not lots, so it was self limiting. She could also have Bacardi breezer/cider but again also bought in smallish quantities.

thismummydrinksgin · 27/12/2023 09:06

You accept they will break a flimsy lock tell them off about it and move on. Get a better lock and read them the riot act but realise it's completely normal and laugh with your friends about it. Allow the drinks YOUr ok with when they ask (not Mumsnet) . Speaking from the M mom of a 15 year old xxx

CharlotteBog · 27/12/2023 09:19

Remind them that however mature they think they are, they ARE under 18 and as such they are not permitted to help themselves.
You are happy for them to have some alcohol in the home, but you need to know what it is so it can be discussed.
Jimmying a lock shows immaturity and if it continues you will make the harsh decision to hide the alcohol somewhere they can't find it.

user1492757084 · 27/12/2023 09:53

There is a limit of age 18 to protect the developing brain.
Human brains can be more easily permanently damaged by alcohol at a young age and studies have shown that kids who start to drink earlier develop more binge drinking habits and more alcoholicism. Abuse of alcohol is a huge cause of domestic violence and brain damage.
You are playing with fire to allow other people's kids to drink in your home. What would you do if they injured themselves or worse?

I would be limiting access to alcohol until age 18 and heavily supervising it in the home. Model healthy alcohol usage and also follow the law and official health guidelines..

It may not be cool but offering your teenagers the best chance of being able to control their adult alcohol intake is worth being unpopular.

rookiemere · 27/12/2023 10:03

If there is a big group of them hide anything you don't want to be drunk.

Unfortunately teenagers will teenage, to us it seems better to supply a reasonable amount say 2-4 cans of beer or pre mixed drinks of similar alcohol percentage, rather than banning entirely and then being subject to whatever anyone else wants to bring.

DS is 17 and beer does feature in his nights out - probably also spirits but he doesn't tell us about that. It feels uncomfortable but I'd rather have a reasonably accurate view of what he is drinking rather than taking a hard line and not finding out. But also he is going to school, getting good grades and spends a fair amount of time at the gym, so it's not like he is just drinking.

gingercat02 · 27/12/2023 10:31

Thankfully, my 15yo or his close friends are interested in alcohol. Stealing from a locked fridge is not on, and neither are spirits imo. A glass of wine, a beer, or an alcopop is acceptable if you want.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 27/12/2023 10:35

Stealing is not acceptable. So if 'a big boy did it and ran away' then no more big gatherings at your house, and certainly no more unsupervised gatherings.

Iamblossom · 27/12/2023 10:43

How do you stop them?

You say "do not take the alcohol that doesn't belong to you"

My sons would then not take it.

Luckylottowinnertobe · 27/12/2023 10:51

I never encouraged it.
I wouldn't have allowed their friends to drink under age in my own home. It's too high risk. As far as l know the parents of my sons friends didn't allow it either.
Luckily they weren't the kind of teenagers to sneak over park and drink, too busy gaming. ( It does have some advantages)
Mine are both older now, young adults, very occasionally their friends will come over for a couple before they go out, that's fine now they are all over 18.

rookiemere · 27/12/2023 11:04

DS wasn't interested in alcohol either when he was 15, it happened quite suddenly when he was about 16.5.

Personally it's not the end of the world that he is experimenting with alcohol. He never drinks on his own and gets good grades and loves school. At least he's out socialising with friends rather than stuck in front of a screen.

I drunk as a teenager and survived.

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