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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Autism or spoilt behaviour?

22 replies

Ladyyvonne · 23/12/2023 12:43

Hi
my daughter was a happy, confident child with lots of friends and went to the usual gymnastics, dancing, singing classes.
We had no concerns or worries about her.
she struggled with high school but Covid hit when she was in year 7 so not the best start. She struggled with going back to school after restrictions were lifted and her best friend left school which also caused further upset. Her self esteem was low and age struggled with acne. she had a few months counselling with a great psychologist and treatment for her acne and it seemed that things were back on trqck. she has a small but lovely group of friends, interests in music and the usual teen make up and clothes. Excelling academically and very driven to succeed.
however she had tickets to sew a show today that she was really looking forwards to and we had train tickets, meal and hotel stay booked. (christmas gift). told her what time we needed to leave but she wasn't ready and still taking things in and out of her case. When we asked if she was reafy sge completely shut down and refused to talk about it. she just sat down and cried. She said she was worried about leaving soemthing behind. i went through a quick check list but she still refused to 'sort herself out.' So it has now been cancelled.
just can't understand her.
she has been to several concerts over the past year without incident so doesnt struggle with crowda, noise etc

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 23/12/2023 12:49

Extra pressure at Christmas. I wouldn’t do it so close to Xmas again.

EmptyYoghurtPot · 23/12/2023 13:29

I’m confused - does she have autism?
Or is she just burned out with term ending so late?
How old is she?

Kaleidoscopeofbutterflies · 23/12/2023 13:42

Definitely not spoild..
Could be ASD.. Shows differently and usually later in life in girls.
Could be MH / worry about something.. hormones.
Have you sat down and asked if anything worrying her?

MaloneMeadow · 23/12/2023 15:11

I think in all likelihood she’s just overwhelmed, probably with something like a friendship drama or issue in school that she doesn’t want to talk to you about. Maybe hormones as well? Has she started her periods yet?
All of a sudden suggesting that she’s spoilt/has autism over one singular event and then cancelling it is incredibly harsh and won’t help things.

Gnomegnomegnome · 23/12/2023 15:14

What makes you think autism or spoiled?

Does she have autism? Is she spoiled?

SausageCasseroles · 23/12/2023 15:20

Nothing about this says "spoiled"

Everything says overwhelmed and it sound like she will be really upset she couldn't have got together.

Couldn't you supoort her packing and take her now?

SausageCasseroles · 23/12/2023 15:22

Your child was struggling whatever the reason and needed help.

And now her present has been cancelled.

That sounds really tough for her.

SausageCasseroles · 23/12/2023 15:23

Is there nk way you cna help get the basics together and catch a later train?

If not can you do something really nice with her instead

Sandysandwich · 23/12/2023 15:58

She sounds overwhelmed and stressed and maybe like she panicked or got herself wound up.
None of that sounds spoiled at all.

Throwawayme · 23/12/2023 16:06

What a shame. I don't think she sounds spoiled at all.

CatMadam · 23/12/2023 16:24

She doesn’t sound spoiled at all, it just sounds like it all got too much for her. Did the event have to be cancelled?

worriedgal · 23/12/2023 16:29

Poor girl sounds completely overwhelmed.
I hope she's okay and that you manage to calm her enough to go and enjoy the treat.
Hopefully she will open up about her worries over the holidays.

Charlingspont · 23/12/2023 16:36

Why didn't you help with the packing? She sounds extremely anxious and totally overwhelmed with worry about what to take. Explain to her that it doesn't matter - if she forgets something, it can be bought there. I remember what thing or reading something that said most things can be replaced for less than £20. Give her that to hold on to.

Poor girl - in her room, getting into more and more of a panic, and it seems like you were just sitting downstairs waiting/shaking the door keys, thereby adding to the pressure.

Elmo230885 · 23/12/2023 16:46

You don't mention age or autism at all in your OP. Sounds like she was overwhelmed, maybe due to a long half term, Christmas pressure or a friendship drama she has on her mind. Assuming she's a teenager, as she'd been left to pack her own case, hormones can blow everything out of proportion.
Sounds like your help was too little too late, any reason why she may have been scared to ask for help or tell you she was struggling?
Was it the first time she's been wholly responsible for packing her own case?
Seems drastic to cancel the whole trip.

Ladyyvonne · 23/12/2023 18:01

She’s 16 and always insists on packing her own stuff. She can do it and has lots of practise for overnight stays and longer holidays.
she doesn’t have any diagnosis but I was just upset and frustrated and wondering why someone wouldn’t be able to get themselves up and sorted for an activity that they’d been looking forwards to for over a year.
I do think it’s been a long term and she’s tired and exhausted unfortunately we were on a tight schedule and there was absolutely no wriggle room for changing the rail tickets and no option of driving today. She was aware of this.
thank you to everyone who took time to reply- tomorrow is another day as they say!

OP posts:
EmptyYoghurtPot · 23/12/2023 18:54

So she’s in Y11, stressed and unhappy, missing out on something that she’s looked forward to for a year and your response is
a) to randomly suggest on here that she might be autistic
b) write the whole thing off by saying ‘tomorrow is another day’
Your poor child.
I really hope you haven’t made her feel it’s all her own fault that her treat was cancelled.

CatMadam · 23/12/2023 20:25

Why did you jump to autism as a possible cause for her not managing the trip?

Dazedandcovidconfused · 23/12/2023 20:57

Oh gosh your poor daughter missing out on an activity she’s been looking forward to for a year because she shut down due to overwhelm. OP what happened when you tried to support and problem solve with your daughter to get her out the door?

Psychoticbreak · 23/12/2023 21:45

I wonder if her parents are stupid or ignorant? Cos the choices of spoilt or having autism lead me to believe a bit of both.

Riches2Rags · 23/12/2023 23:55

Children always do the best they can.

If they can't, it's not their fault.

Support the shit out of them is the answer.

Oh, and LISTEN.

SausageCasseroles · 24/12/2023 09:17

Gosh so she's missed out on soemthign she's been looking forwards to a whole year. The poor girl.

OP do you usually struggle with empathy yourself? Or with supporting your duaghter?

SausageCasseroles · 24/12/2023 09:18

I really hope you can supoort your daughter over the next few days. She's missed out on something big and really that's on you. It's really unkind to put that back on her.

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