Attitudes, consequences and the like

[D0083]

Hi all,

At my wits end and don't know what to do anymore...

DS15 (year11) has a really stinky attitude at the moment and it's causing so much tension in the house.

He's rude, cocky, argumentative, lazy.

Since year 11 we've been letting him be responsible for getting himself up on a morning for school, most times he's on time. Had to give a lift a few times. But because we don't get up with him anymore, we don't see him in the morning.

He then gets home from school and goes straight to his room. Spends all night playing on computer games, watching TikTok, snap chatting his friends.

We call him down for tea and it takes him at least 15 minutes to join us (after reminders and him screaming at us), by which point his food is cold. He remains on his phone, with AirPods in at the table, even though we tell him to turn it off (he'll then try and sneak it, or we have to physically remove it from him which means he sees his ar*e and makes everyone miserable).

His school work is slipping, didn't revise for mock exams, not bothered if he gets 5s! He's at a grammar school, is intelligent and used to be a conscientious student but for the past 12 months it's like he's given up. No idea what he wants to do post 18, think of doing A-levels but doesn't act like he's bothered about getting the gcse grades to do the courses he's chosen.

He sleeps until at least 1pm on a weekend, no amount of waking him up early does anything. He's horrible to us, tells us to go away, shut up etc. If he does wake up earlier, he'll just stay in bed watching videos on his phone. He'll eventually get some breakfast about 3pm and then go back to his room, where he'll stay for the rest of the day.

He doesn't contribute to the house, doesn't do chores. We've said if he does chores each week we'll give him pocket money so he can do things with his friends. He still doesn't do anything, won't tidy his room (says it's his room and he can keep it messy if he wants), doesn't do his laundry, doesn't even move his plate after tea unless we force him to. He did have a job but it finished in Sept so now he earns no money, yet wants us to give him money every time he goes out.

We're going to Vegas/LA next week for a holiday and to visit family. He's been sulking for ages because he doesn't want to go, says he's categorically not going and he'll stay at home for 10 days by himself. Says he wants to stay home so he can see his friends. Doesn't want to spend time with us and his brother.

Last night he was in a foul mood. He came with us to see grandparents to say happy birthday, and because we're going away Monday so won't see them at Christmas. He was warned not to be on his phone, but he did it anyway. When his battery died, he started being rude to everyone. Brought up the whole holiday thing, refusing to go again. Stormed out of the house, demanded the car keys, wouldn't say goodbye etc.

Complained of a headache and stomach ache so I gave him some paracetamol when we got home. He kept saying he wasn't going to school because he felt ill. Then asked him if he was supposed to be doing a food practical at school today, he got all sheepish and red faced. He hasn't sorted any recipe, ingredients etc, said he forgot! I asked if that's why he didn't want go to school and was he planting a seed of being poorly. (He managed to eat a full plate of choc biscuits at his grandparents even though he had stomach ache 🤷🏼‍♀️). He was rude and obnoxious towards me, stormed off to his room.

This morning I woke him up at 6:40, asked him to get up and get ready for school. I went back to bed, he was in the shower by 6:55. At 7:25 he's still in his room, said he thought it was 7:15 (he has to leave at 7:20 for the bus). Missed the bus, DH had to give him a lift. Apparently he was rude and obnoxious to DH after giving him silent treatment for 10mins, now DH wants to remove all technology and give him a big shock!

We already have screen time set up on his phone, he complains none of his friends have it.
Weekdays downtime starts at 10pm
Weekends downtime starts at 11pm

I've had to set up specific time limits for apps - so Snapchat he gets no more than 2 hours a day and then it's blocked on his phone. TikTok he gets 1.5 hours. But he'll pester for more time no matter what.

I've been looking at screentime for his pc and found I can set limits for the games he plays like Fortnite. Thinking of giving him 2 hours after 7pm on a weekday so he has to get his homework/revision done first. The WiFi blocks his pc anyway to coincide with his phone downtime, but I'm worried that for the 5 hours or so after school he's not making any effort with his schoolwork and just plays games the whole time.

I think technology is a huge part of why he's behaving the way he is. What else can we do to restrict his time and try and coaxe him out of his room to spend more time with us?

Are we gonna have to micromanage his time from January to make sure he revises for his actual
GCSE exams?

What can we do to get him involved with chores, what chores should he be doing at this age?

How do I stop him from acting like an entitled brat? I know we have to stop being soft, and get more strict but how? Do we literally go cold turkey and give him a huge shock? And how do we stick to it?

DH has said he's inclined to tell him he can't come on holiday with us now. We have a family member staying at our house whilst we're away so he could stay with him, I know he wouldn't let him get away with the behaviour and DH said we would take his tech away. But the family member would be out at work so can't keep an eye on him all the time, and I feel that we'd just be giving him what he wants anyway. Plus I don't want to spend Christmas/NY away from him.

Sorry for rambling!
From a very stressed and overwhelmed mum!

Your child isn't managing the responsibilities you've set for him.

You may need to start waking him up in the morning again- if he doesn't want this then he needs to get himself up.

Remove his phone. He should only get it once work has been complete. Any attitude at the table should result in his phone / other privilege being removed temporarily.

I don't have an issue with him sleeping late on the weekend- teenagers need a lot of sleep! However, he shouldn't get his phone until he's up , out of bed, has showered / tidied his room etc.

You are the adult. He can huff all he likes now - better to have a tantrum now that face his anger in a few years because he's a bum with no good grades.

Following as I have one exactly the same.

Whereas I think @Jellyx makes some good suggestions, my particular parenting style is less hands-on. Personally I prefer to allow mine to make more mistakes and mature in themselves rather than impose my rules upon them.

My oldest sounds very much like yours (now at Oxford). The more I pushed for him to show us civility, work at school, adhere to chores etc, the more he pushed back - not because he thought the requests were unreasonable I think, but because they didn’t suit him at the time and he wanted to display his independence. Whatever rules you impose you can’t actually make him work, that will only happen if he chooses.

I discussed with my son what I considered non-negotiable re house rules, and we reached a compromise. I gave way on a few points, as did he, but the fact that he had choices made a difference. Largely I left the school issues up to him and the school. He had to be civil, to us and his siblings, and had a few jobs he could do in a (wide) timeframe we agreed.

sadly, re the holiday, I think this may be something you could be seen to compromise on and gain an advantage. Much as you’d like him with you, I think you have a great opportunity to give him the chance to prove himself as a trustworthy individual whilst knowing he’s safe. If you do decide to honour his wishes in this particular case, you could expect in return some evidence of more adult behaviour.
Teenagers in my experience, much as they love you, do not want to spend much time with you, and that’s ok.

your relationship is changing - allow him the opportunity to grow. In my opinion, it’s certainly not about being more strict at this point, those days are over. It’s about developing a respectful relationship on both sides in which you discuss in as adult a way as possible the problems you have and how best to address them. If you continue to treat him like a child, he will continue to behave like one.