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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Moved out at 17

12 replies

Feelingold2 · 18/12/2023 04:43

My dd is 17 and the changes in her over the past year have been huge. She met a girl and started a relationship which is fine and it to us was a normal teenage relationship maybe slightly intense . Fast forward a year . Relationship has ended ,now she is Muslim ( no problem as I'm an atheist and find all religion baffling but a personal choice). But still with this girl as friends . Comes home but stays with her and her mother. I support her financially still ,she works part time as well.
Now is going away at Christmas which is where I lost it . Not because of any relgion or we make a massive deal about it . I'm just so hurt that she would do that . Her excuse was but they've bought me a ticket. Other family members got involved and now the whole situation has exploded.
She didn't go to work , I wanted to drop her off but she said she'd walk. I think deep down I knew she wouldn't go. She now is refusing to cone and stay even for a night. Saying what was said to her was awful.
I have spoken to the police and there is nothing they can do . He was so apologetic as I was sobbing down the phone.He said nothing I have told him would give them cause to call round , at 17 she is well within her rights to leave and make her own decisions. I just want to support her and know she is ok.
I have offered to pay for counselling so if there are any underlying issues she can let them out I have also spoken to college safe guarding and they have done the same.
My parents offered her a room there. But as some of the things said were from my Mum she has said no.
Is there anyone who has been through something similar and can offer advice. I'm all cried out tbh. I miss her so much I feel like my heart will break.

OP posts:
autienotnaughty · 18/12/2023 06:32

No experience just wanted to bump the post for you.

My advice would be to keep a line of contact open. Don't push her to come but make sure she knows she is welcome. Is she safe there?

PostmansKnock · 18/12/2023 06:41

It might be because it's early but I got a bit lost there.

Your seventeen year old has told you that she's going on holiday over Christmas with her girlfriend? And she's stopped going to work.

Saying what was said to her was awful.
What was said?
I think this is the most important part of the story really.

I've got a seventeen year old (and a twenty year old) and if she told me wasn't going to be here at Christmas I'd be sad for myself but they do start breaking away and doing their own thing.

Feelingold2 · 18/12/2023 07:08

Yes she is and I know where they live . I think its the it's the fact she is still so young in my eye.

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Feelingold2 · 18/12/2023 07:18

I think that is the crutch of it. I am sad but obviously want her to live her own life. I know deep down I'm doing the right thing and will support her and be here whenever she needs me. Just needed to ( somewhat jumbled) type out my feelings . And have any advice good or bad from people away from the situation.
She text me saying she was going away , I had spoken to her earlier that day and she was quiet so was probably thinking how to tell me. Her younger brothers are upset and miss her . I'm perimenopausal and its that time of the month so quite possibly so emotional also. I trust her and she hasn't given me any reason not too untill Saturday and her saying she was going to work and then disappearing .

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SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 18/12/2023 07:21

I think the important bit is the bit you're missing out which is what was said.

Feelingold2 · 18/12/2023 07:28

She just said she was going to France for Christmas . I just lost it and said she was being selfish and how hurt I felt. I have apologised for my reaction and said if that is what she wants to do its fine. But my family have told her shenis being radicalised and will she even come back. She went in the summer and came back . They are French Algerian so have family out there. The more I type the more I realise how bonkers this sounds and quite a big over reaction. ( I don't even know if I'm replying or just posting on here sorry first time )

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autienotnaughty · 18/12/2023 08:08

So is the becoming Muslim because of them?

Feelingold2 · 18/12/2023 08:17

She studied Islam at school for gcse and a lot of her friends are. She says its not directly gf . But who knows. Its a hard one to call and this is where the risk of alienation could come into play and its a situation I don't want to push her into. I want her to be able to talk freely and not feel we are intolerant or scoffing at her

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Floopani · 18/12/2023 08:18

I think you do owe your DD an apology for your reaction, unless you have real concerns that she is being radicalised and this is not just a form of your prejudice. At 17, why wouldn't she want the chance to go on holiday with her good friend?

Your reaction is only going to push her away, which is what you are seeing, and it sounds like you laid the guilt trip around Christmas on her really heavily. She is setting boundaries with you.

PostmansKnock · 18/12/2023 08:22

Teenagers are selfish. It's a part of detaching themselves.

You have probably made her feel guilty now because you are upset at her so she's got two reasons to keep out of your way!

I would just leave it now. Get her a Christmas present and see if she will meet before she goes, be positive and tell her to have a lovely time. Then welcome her back when she comes home.

Feelingold2 · 18/12/2023 08:26

I did apologise and it wasn't me saying about the radicalisation. I have never said that to her that was my Mum. I have supported her and bought her her Hijabs,

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Feelingold2 · 18/12/2023 08:29

I have already given her one present. I have the rest and will give her some money to take. I just wanted reassurance that the way I have been moving with the situation is quite possibly the right one.
Unfortunately when other family members started it exploded and threw us in the wrong direction. I want to get it back on track
She has said how upset she is with the others .
Which I will relay to them and tell them to back off.

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