Struggling single mum

[Thyra123]

Difficult to write this. I’ve always been a shouty mum (my own mum was a shouter and had MH problems) and been in a couple of rubbish (probably abusive) relationships when my son was small.

We moved far away from our support network (which wasn’t massively supportive to be honest) and can’t move back due to financial reasons. Son has mental health issues and can’t attend school so I’m working from home. I’m really lonely, skint and burnt out.

Was managing just about until the elderly dog that I adopted with my ex five years ago became ill (cue big vets bill, and dog making a mess which massively exacerbated sons ocd)

Son had a meltdown today about many things and I’ve been trying to spin all the plates but I just lost it. I can’t do all of this on my own anymore. I even looked into rehoming the dog which I really want to avoid but I can’t walk her that often due to my sons anxieties about me leaving the house. My house is a prison and my life feels like a pointless existence. If I had some support it might help but I can’t leave the house to get it.

I just screamed in frustration earlier and my son went and hid under the covers and refused to talk to me and said he wants to live with his dad. He wasn’t even angry, just sad, and I have started to think maybe I’ve made too many mistakes in this boys life to carry on now.

I’ve never been the best mum to him, I let an abusive man ‘discipline’ him (too shouty and also resented my son which I didn’t realise at the time) in the past which I deeply regret and feel so much guilt over. I don’t feel like I can carry on being his mum now all the while I’m not coping and screeching near him (if not directly at him).

Perhaps he’d be best off moving out for a while. I’m so tired of keep trying to make things better, it seems like everything I do is wrong (he is fourteen and I’m also starting to wonder if I’m perimenopausal). He won’t get support for his MH and OCD, and I walk on eggshells round him and have to scrub my hands before I go in his room for instance.

Or perhaps it is time to rehome the dog if I’m not coping and someone else could give her a better life. My son is grossed out by her 😞 and has never really bonded with her. I feel so resentful that my ex adopted this dog with me and now as she’s elderly I’m lumbered with everything on my own.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

We sometimes get ourselves into a knot and we don't know why. Your dog is quite old and your son hates him. To me it's no brainer you should have the dog humanely euthanasised and focus on your son. I believe you both would benefit from some counselling. Unfortunately NHS waiting list is so long you might have to go private. With a good counsellor you should be able to start seeing a way out of this mess after a few sessions. It's really that simple. The hardest part is getting out of the rut and taking the first brave step. I hope it helps

I too think of the DDog is making a mess in the home and your DS has OCD abd has never bonded with her it might be to let her go. Can you talk to your Vet tomorrow.

You also need to see your GP. You sound like you might need some help

Can you get some respite for you or your son? Maybe consider a couple of nights a week for him to go somewhere (weekend type foster placement if such a thing exists - I don't know if it does because I don't have experience but the council may be able to help you). Sounds like you both need a bit of a break from each other.

I think you also need to put your food down a bit regarding MH support for him. He needs to try a couple of sessions, if he doesn't get on with it, he can leave.

I would speak to social services maybe.

What would it be like if he did go to live with his dad temporarily? Maybe for a bit? Is his dad reliable and stable enough?

Thank you I’ll look into this. His dad’s relatively stable but not very hygienic which causes my son an issue! But he is caught between a rock and hard place at the mo!

I'd also call SENCO at school. They may be able to point you in the direction of some help

Hi OP, I have been thinking about you. How are things?

Things have improved a lot since I’ve asked my family and my ex for support thank you so much :)

Is there a local carers service you can contact? You may find some support there. Glad to hear family are stepping up too.

I am glad to hear things are looking better. Sometimes reaching out for help is the bravest step of all. Do try contacting your local mental health support groups. Even though your son refuses to go and you can't really leave the house much. A lot of charities offer support over the phone. A problem shared is a problem halved as they say. Wishing you a joyous Christmas and a happier New Year