17 year old - chaotic and messy/lazy

[gibegobble]

Hi all, I'm not sure if some of what I am about to describe is typical teenage behaviour or there is something more going on.

My daughter started college straight from school - she scraped enough in her GCSE's to study Alevels and hated it, she left that college and went to another to study a more practical BTec, hated the tutor and left that to do an apprenticeship, it was 40hrs a week and 6/7 hours of travel to and from the apprenticeship, she stuck it out for 8 months and was enjoying it then broke down and told me how much she regretted leaving college, how she realised how lucky she was there and wants to go back and knuckle down.

Obviously I was really concerned with so many changes but encouraged her to do what makes her happy. She went back to college in September (basically starting new Alevels afresh after wasting a year hopping)

Just had her first reports and it's not good. Her attendance is lacking. She has overslept/been sick a few times (I work so don't always know until she tells me she hasn't been) and she spends time at her dads so I didn't realise the full extent of the attendance issues.

The tutor said she is chaotic and unorganised, she can't focus and is often distracted by her phone when she is present. Her latest test scores gave her a D, she has time to improve this but I am seriously worried. The tutor said there is glimmers of hope when she does focus and she is verbally intelligent and asked had she ever been tested for ADHD.

She turns 18 in May and still acts like a child in some ways. So messy but disgusting messy, I find plates and cutlery in her underwear drawers, dirty clothes in there etc. we got an infestation of fruit flies in her room in the summer due to her leaving a banana in her bag under her bed that had gone rotten.

I have repeatedly gone over how it's not acceptable from an almost 18 year old, I nag to get her to do chores (she does them but half heartedly) I pay for her mobile phone but cancelled the Netflix a while ago because she wasn't listening and leaves her room such a mess. She has a part time job so could easily pay for her phone herself so I don't think that would even have any effect if I stop paying.

What can I do and do I need to be more forceful once she turns 18?

Some of this sounds very much like ADHD. It might be worth her trying to get assessed for it and looking up strategies to help. It sounds like she genuinely struggles with these issues - bring forceful is likely to just make things worse

It could well be adhd in which case you have the option of nhs lists (years long) or a private diagnosis and meds.

My DD has adhd and the meds make a difference but they take a few months to really kick in.

I think you need to decide what you want to focus on. She will be 18 soon. Are you hoping for her to go to uni? If so you are probably going to have to help her study through techniques like body doubling etc.

If not, then maybe just let her come to the conclusion that college isn't for her.

It does sound like ADHD - my DD18 takes meds - still have issues but meds helps and having clear boundaries - even at 18 if she's still at home. Easier said than done my DD was all over the place over summer refusing to return to her course - we said she had to do something - she chose childcare and found it quite difficult for the first half term but knew she had to do it. However once she started placement after half term she gained confidence and is happier. It was a while but we all persevered. It's hard work - my eldest was sensible in comparison! Stick with it!

Eldest had ADHD and youngest is on the pathway. I'd definitely discuss the possibility with her and see if she would consider being assessed. Meds don't work for everyone but she can try them. She also could look up strategies to help, like setting two alarms, putting her phone to charge downstairs and running?

Set some clear boundaries too like no food in her room and if dirty clothes aren't in her washing basket, they don't get washed.

If she does have ADHD she won't have anywhere near the maturity of a 17 year old either, she'll probably be functioning like a 15 yo.

I could have written this about my DD. Same age, 18 in June.

She often oversleeps and even when I'm around to wake her she messes around getting ready for so long she can still often be late. She forgets things constantly.

Feedback on her work is ok, but she has to resit her maths which she failed again last year, as she barely attended the lessons.

I am 99% sure my DD has autism, she can't get tested unless privately as childrens won't accept her as waiting list so long she would be over 18 when she reached the top. And adults won't accept her on their list until she's 18. So we are stuck waiting it out!

Her room is often messy and she will leave things around. She has 1 chore to wash the pots which she rarely does. She lays in bed all day on her days off, she is often awake on her phone or watching tv until 3/4am and has to get up at 6 for college.

I am just continuing to encourage and hoping for the best! I feel she will grow out of it but is behind for her age so I am imagining it won't click properly until she is in her 20s. Mentally preparing myself for her being sacked from jobs etc due to all this and another stressful few years!