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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

strident teens

19 replies

kaycrikey · 14/03/2008 20:31

Hi - my lovely 13 year old girl has developed a frightening control-freak streak. I'm trying to stay calm and be firm and fair, but it's hard. Feel like opening bottle of wine but won't as it will make me less in control She regularly tells me to off, and although I know she does love me deep down, doesn't want me anywhere near her. I know she needs space as she becomes a teenager, but I see her bullying me and my other kids and feel that I'm being a crap parent by not managing to rein her in.....any advice/moral support out there folks?
thanks...

OP posts:

Original poster

kaycrikey · 14/03/2008 20:40

AIBU? just read the acronyms list - it's my first time on the site, driven to desperation by my DD.
My parents in their 70s now, are still bruised by my own teenage self so I guess I was also a monster. They certainly never let me forget it and it scarred our family relationships. I really really hope that doesn't happen with me and DD but it feels like it's already starting. Don't know what to do.
Thanks for any advice.

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RTKangaDYSONMummy · 14/03/2008 20:53

sorry don't have any tips

just wantd to say hello and welcome to Mumsnet

bravesmile · 14/03/2008 20:59

Hi kaycrikey, wish I had answers. I'm in the same boat as you. DD is 13 too and has become very confrontational recently. She can be lovely (if a bit distant) when everythings going her way - but takes over the whole house when it isn't. Sometimes I dread the next row.

bravesmile · 14/03/2008 21:06

From reading other teenager posts we're not unusual, and we can't all be crap parents can we? Is she your eldest?

themoon66 · 15/03/2008 00:04

at a 13 year old telling her mum to F-off! My 21 year old said that word by accident in front of me recently and immediately put her hands over her head, cringed and said 'sorry mum, sorry, sorry, sorry'.

Don't let her get away with too much at 13 because when she is 16/17/18 she will be hell.

jammi · 15/03/2008 00:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

alfiesbabe · 15/03/2008 09:38

I think bravesmile sums it up. It's really tough isnt it, but this behaviour really isnt that uncommon, and we can't all be getting this parenting thing totally wrong. IMO you need to establish a few very clear no-go areas. Telling you to f* off is totally unacceptable. But have fewer rules rather than lots, as teenagers won't cope with a whole list. better to just be really specific about what things are just completely no-go. Try to ignore as much of the general moodiness and stroppiness as possible. Don't make it into a confrontation each time or you'll both end up hating eachother. I find taking long deep breaths, and physically walking away really helps. Also, remind yourself that to an extent the teenager can't control how they feel. Puberty is a scary time for teens - the hormones are flying around. Try to see it as a physical thing - if they had flu or a stomach bug, then you'd be sympathetic. To a certain degree, hormones are no different - they can make the child feel confused/angry and generally vile!!

bravesmile · 15/03/2008 11:52

Agree with you alfiesbabe about letting some things go, although I find this very difficult. (Can almost hear my parents saying you're not going to let her get away with that are you?)

I was picking my way through the rubbish on dd's floor a few weeks ago and found a piece of paper, which I read (I know I shouldn't have & I'm not proud of it). It was heartbreaking - self-loathing about her appearance, anxieties about friendships, nobody understands - just awful. And this from an attractive popular girl. It brought it all back just how crap it was being 13. It doesn't excuse all the bad behaviour but explains some of the moodiness and short temper, and now I'm a bit better at keeping calm when it all kicks off. I have to keep reminding myself I'm the adult and she's the child and I'm in charge here. So easy to doubt yourself (AIBU?) when faced with a determined teen - dd is always more convinced of her rightness than I ever am - but be confident. And keep talking to grown-ups! That's my 2p worth anyway.

Original poster

kaycrikey · 15/03/2008 18:32

Thanks to all of you - all really helpful, especially Bravesmile - thank you. I just tried to talk to DD calmly and she lay on the sofa crying and is now upstairs crying, saying I don't understand. We have a big family issue, which is that my other two kids (15 and 9 - DD is the middle one) and me want to get a dog, hubby is ambivalent, and so DD feels, I think, left out and is giving the appearance of an extremely depressed and heartbroken person. What to do? Guess I have to either say no to the dog (the other two kids are more easy going) or no to my DD. Trying so hard for it not to be confrontational and it really helps to be reminded about how hard it is to be 13 Feel totally out of my depth but it really helps to read all your comments.

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brimfull · 15/03/2008 18:35

Haven't read the whole thread

but a child telling you to eff off is totally not on .
I am so shocked.

This at the very least should be the first thing you address.

You need to set boundaries and keep to them.

ajandjjmum · 17/03/2008 12:54

I don't think any girls are easy at that age - my 14 year old drives me to distraction at times, and I know I shouldn't lose my temper with her, but it's so hard!!

I find the 'should I give in to her' question quite tough, because I certainly don't want her thinking that she counts any less than ds (because she doesn't!), but I don't want her to think she can rule the roost either.

Surely it can't get any harder than this!!!

As an aside, it's surprising how many mners were brought onto the board by their dd .

Original poster

kaycrikey · 17/03/2008 22:53

Thanks for comments. After a calm couple of days I'm back at rock bottom. I calmly spoke to her and told her that telling me to eff off wasn't acceptable language for anyone in our family. She seemed to nod and accept this but tonight she has screamed it at me again, wilfully "breaking the rule" and then threw a pillow at me screaming how she hates me.
I managed to stay calm and leave the room but as soon as I got downstairs was pretty shaky and tearful. Lowest ebb ever as a parent. She seems determined to beat me down and I am very depressed; feel that I've failed to be a good mother as she can have such extreme rage.

Did anyone see the article in the Observer at the weekend about teenage rows and how it's important for their development to have at least one row a day!!

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MrsTig · 17/03/2008 23:13

Several comments to make here kaycrikey.

My daughter could be horrible at 13 and we had massive rows. She's now 19 and just beginning to be a friend instead of an adversary. I would continue to tell your daughter that the language is not acceptable and if she wants to have a rational conversation it has no place in it. You're NOt a bad mother. Please don't think that. I've asked for help on another thread tonight because of my son but I'd just like you to take comfort from the fact that your offspring DO surface at the end of this phase. I'm beginning to think they do it with or without us but it's hell while it lasts. Extremely well done for staying calm. being tearful is normal. I've sat on the doorstep outside at midnight before now, crying, just to escape the house. Think of the rage as hormonal! I have every sympathy. Hang on in there.

chenin · 18/03/2008 07:38

kaycrikey.... poor you, I do understand. DO NOT think that you are a bad parent... this is something we all have to go through and those parents who manage to steer the course through teenage years without these major strops are very very lucky!

However, I would not tolerate the fk off. Maybe its just me, but I will not be sworn at... I wouldn't tolerate it from anyone, let alone my kids. You telling her that it is not acceptable is the way to go... keep reinforcing that.

My DD1 has always been confrontational and we have had the equivalent of screaming matches for a long long time, but as MrsTig said... they do come out the other side. Do not think they suddenly transform from a crysalis into a butterfly (crap analogy I know...) I am still have big tussles with DD1 cos she is soooo selfish, but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Is your DD going through any particular anxiety at the moment? If it were me, after things have calmed down, I would book a special time... just you and her. Maybe an appointment at a spa, or a shopping trip. This will reinforce to her that you do love her very much and want to spend time with her. It will diffuse any long term situation hopefully.

Bravesmile... my heart goes out to you finding that piece of paper. I found some scribblings of my daughters and it made me understand he a lot more. To all Mums who think it is disgusting to read what is intended to be private, it was a positive turning point in the r/ship between me and DD2. It gave me an insight a little into what she was going through and our relationship has become much stronger because I understand her more.

Original poster

kaycrikey · 18/03/2008 23:12

thanks Helliebean, I am so grateful to Mumsnetters for all the helpful and sustaining advice....Sometimes I catch my DD with a smirk as she has just hurled some abuse - like she's trying it out and mischievously waits to see what the reaction is. Great idea to make time for us together; at the moment she seems to despise me so I can't imagine she'd want to, but she might like me to make the offer...

It's heartening Helliebean to hear that you are seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I can't believe I was so unprepared for this. As I read stories to my younger, 9 year old DD I treasure her pre-teen sweetness.. It must be hard for DD1 to be feeling as cross as she does and not be allowing herself to also relax and enjoy a cuddle (which I keep offering)
Although she has ended up sleeping in my bed the last few nights as hubby is away. She's still not really speaking to me but wants to be close, so I thank my lucky stars and love her most of all when she's sleeping so beautifully beside me!

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Original poster

kaycrikey · 18/03/2008 23:16

Mrs Tig - thank you for your posting - it really helps to feel that solidarity with others. This morning I was tearful but have stayed calm-ish (not lost it anyway, which being pre-menstrual is quite an achievement) nor have opened the bottle of white wine in the fridge as DH still away.
Did binge on chocolate, oops. Now I understand why older people would smile at the kids when toddlers and tell you to enjoy it while it lasts.....

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chenin · 20/03/2008 15:03

kaycrikey... how are things with your DD?

Original poster

kaycrikey · 21/03/2008 06:55

Hi Helliebean
Thanks for asking - blows hot and cold - has been happier this week but there are flashpoints. Am trying really hard to remember It's Just a Phase and that she needs firm clear boundaries which are helpful. Also trying to not engage in the tantrums. Looking back to the terrible-twos and realising all the similarities.

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chenin · 21/03/2008 09:00

Oh yes... they are just giant toddlers with even bigger tantrums. And when I walk away, my DD1 follows me to prolong the argument, just like she used to try and do when she was 2 !

If its any consolation, DD1 is getting more thoughtful (never thought the day would come!) She sent a me a lovely text the other day, and sent me the most fab mothers day card from Uni, without any prompting from anyone! I was soooo touched!

Hope things keep on an even keel for you

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