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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD in Toxic relationship

10 replies

Conniebygaslight · 12/12/2023 18:34

New user here. My 17 year old beautiful and fabulous DD is in a dreadful ‘relationship’ She went out with a boy from the real wrong side of the tracks, who she met online during Covid. We gave him the benefit of the doubt and invited him over but he rarely came and barely spoke when he did. He was horrible to her but she clung to him after she was bullied in high school, he was maybe some sort of protection. Anyway, he suddenly ghosted her for over a year and went to live with a much older woman. We helped our DD through. He reappeared early summer this year and our DD is straight back. She’s completely isolated herself from her friends and sees only him. His world is completely different to ours, he lives with his mate, doesn’t work, and literally cannot string a sentence together. He has very dangerous dogs and we are terrified. Our DD works and has her own car so just drives him around and runs around after him. We’ve tried to have him over to ours to at least keep her in our world but he refuses. Thankfully she doesn’t stay over but he’s pressuring her to and when she’s 18 she will. Her world is getting smaller & smaller and we are powerless. We are a very loving family and this boy’s world is full of violence, drugs & prison. Anybody been in this situation?

OP posts:
Pieceofpurplesky · 12/12/2023 19:05

I don't really have any experience but all I would say is keep letting your daughter know you love her and don't be unkind about him - as that will give him reasons to ban her from seeing you.
Just love and support her as you are doing. If you push you run the risk of losing her

mumofblu · 12/12/2023 23:10

You asked if any one had been in this situation. Yes us . My Dd was seeing a boy on and off for 3 years from age 13 . We did all that you did to try and give him a chance and watch over her .
Our Dd is now 16 and he's still around and she would run after him when he gives her any attention .

Our Dd is smart , aspirational, funny , likeable , opinionated and has so many interests .

It's heartbreaking to watch , I know how powerless it feels . We arrange time with her so she still has a connection with us . We don't talk about him or pass comment , we have in the past and it caused such tension between us

Yes I know how it feels , I'm so sorry

Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 13/12/2023 08:15

Thanks for your message. I’m so sorry to read that your DD has been in a similar situation. It’s so hard. Especially now she drives, she’s there as often as he will allow. All her money goes on him but he will only go to MacDonalds or KFC etc. He’s incapable of going anywhere else as he has no social skills at all and doesn’t want to leave his world. He sent me a message telling me to F* off and my DD didn’t bat an eyelid. This is quantum to the life she has and he makes her feel ashamed for being from a loving family. His family make Jeremy Kyle look tame. She’s said she’s leaving home to live with him when she’s 18. Her life is split in half, none of her work colleagues know he exists so she clearly knows it’s not right if she’s keeping him a secret.

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Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 13/12/2023 08:16

Thank you. We are trying so hard and it’s heartbreaking

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Chrysanthemum5 · 13/12/2023 08:43

Yes but it's my DS he's 19 and has been in a relationship with R for three years. R completely controls him as an example he failed his first year at university because she would have him up until 4 am every day berating him for being a horrible person (in her eyes). We make baby steps towards him leaving and then she is nice for a few weeks and he gets drawn back in.

All his friends tell him to leave and we've had very frank conversations about how she is abusing him. But I avoid asking too many questions and I've been clear that he has our support.

It is awful and you have my sympathy

Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 13/12/2023 12:13

So sorry to hear. It’s such a horrible situation

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Crababbles · 13/12/2023 13:08

Can you strongly encourage other friendships? Let her host dinner parties, pay towards mini breaks with friends, take her on spa weekends with you, anything to widen her social circle and keep her busy away from him?

Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 13/12/2023 17:34

We do as much as we can, she is our youngest child so her siblings and partners try to get her to do things as well but it’s a real battle as she doesn’t want to. She’s lost her vivacious personality and has no friends left as she’s dropped them all. He won’t go anywhere with her unless it’s where he wants to go, which is nowhere as he has zero social skills. I can’t tell you how different his world is to ours. She’s a wonderful girl and has interest from boys wherever we go but is simply not interested. She’s just desperate to stop him leaving her again.

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mumofblu · 13/12/2023 17:52

Please don't feel you are failing
( I know you haven't said that but I certainly did)
We did / do all the mini breaks , spa breaks , holidays , girls sleeping over . Lots of hobbies , interests and working.
She also gets lots of attention as she's beautiful and confident .

He's recently assaulted her in school ( he has anger issues) so school have spoken to her , counselling , police , social services . She knows deep down that he is abusive , as is his dad ( prison , dealing, domestic violence )
He has left marks on her that we've asked about .

All we can do is keep on her side and make life with us as easy as we can . Sometimes it's frustrating because I want her to see what we see and how dangerous he is . They are both 16 but she's told us she plans to move in with him when they can .

I know how you feel and I'm so sorry

Original poster
Conniebygaslight · 14/12/2023 06:21

So so sorry to read this. I can completely understand that you feel like you’ve failed as I’ve thought the same. I really hope that your DD meets someone new when she starts sixth form? Our girl had a boy over for tea when this toxic one had left previously but it came to nothing. She was with her friends for the entire year he was gone but dropped them all when he showed back up. She does an apprenticeship so doesn’t meet many people her own age but is so shut off it wouldn’t make any difference. She has grown up witnessing a loving relationship with me & her dad and our other children have had healthy relationships albeit they’ve not always lasted obviously been so young so she knows what a good relationship should be. It’s not as if he’s a popular bad boy type. He looks like he’s come out of a crack den and she looks like she’s stepped off a catwalk. His inability to do anything at all and point bank refusal to even come to our home or town is just awful.
I hope counselling helps your DD. Sending you a hug.

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