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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DS17 X-MAS Presents or Not ?

21 replies

AndOnAndOn1000 · 11/12/2023 20:28

My question is has anyone been in the situation where they just don’t feel the inclination or inspiration to give their teenager(s) any Christmas presents?

My DS17 has given us what feels like continuous grief over the past 2 years and I feel like I’ve reached the end of my rope.

He’s not all bad, but something inside me has definitely died, and I feel the rock has set in, and that’s never happened to me before.

Has anyone felt the same as me and still bought them presents anyway?

Or has anyone felt the same as me and not bought them any presents at all?

OP posts:

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 11/12/2023 20:32

I would never not buy my child presents whatever he had done. I get that you feel detached and distant from him and I'm sure there are reasons for that but you are hardly going to be able to repair it at any point if you reject him entirely.

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 11/12/2023 20:32

Depends how awful he's been? What's he been doing?

Do you live with him full time? Do you talk at the moment? Is he spending Christmas day with you? Has he asked for anything?

I think DSC would have to have done something pretty awful to get nothing at all.

Original poster

AndOnAndOn1000 · 11/12/2023 20:54

Thank you @Bobtheamazinggingerdog and @JustWhatWeDontNeed

Yes, spending X-mas day with us.

Admit, yes sorry no context.
A few things but Not in order:

The continuous dirty pigsty bedroom.

Going AWOL at college, and the numerous embarrassing phone calls I get from his lecturer. He hasn’t even completed one term yet.

He doesn’t seem to take responsibility for his stupidity.

Swearing and shouting if asked to explain what’s going on, or anything he doesn’t want to talk about.

Nice when he wants something - and the next day reverts to being disrespectful.

Chaotic - a nightmare to get him out of the house and it always end up in misery. (Oh yes, always remembers his phone, but not his asthma inhaler!).

Vapes in his bedroom despite being told 100s times not to.

I feel we go round and round in one shitty circle.

OP posts:

clpsmum · 11/12/2023 21:14

Tbh I think a lot of that is normal teenage behaviour! The teenage years are hard but I would definitely buy him Christmas presents. Imagine how rejected he will feel if you don't. You feel bad he's doing this but you're an adult he's trying to find his feet in the world and understand his hormones and emotions etc. sending hugs to you all doesn't sound easy

badhappenings · 11/12/2023 21:25

@clpsmum thank you
So helpful to hear other people's views, as I feel like I'm always on negative alert with negative thinking about him at the moment (if that makes sense),

justasmalltownmum · 11/12/2023 21:29

I would just buy a small, token gift. Not something mega expensive like a PlayStation.

clpsmum · 11/12/2023 21:37

badhappenings · 11/12/2023 21:25

@clpsmum thank you
So helpful to hear other people's views, as I feel like I'm always on negative alert with negative thinking about him at the moment (if that makes sense),

I think it's hard because teenagers can be so absolutely vile and it is so hard to not take it personally. Try and breathe through it (much easier said than done I know). Don't you be the bad guy though, you be nice because you are not because he isn't if you know what I mean. You can go to bed with a clear conscience and leaving him to be the one in the wrong. He won't be a teenager forever xx

fruitypancake · 11/12/2023 21:38

I could not even contemplate not buying in the situation you describe - keep showing love , he will come out the other side

Ponderingwindow · 11/12/2023 21:44

everyone deserves a Christmas present. There is always the chance to find that connection and help someone feel better. You don’t need to splash out on expensive gifts, but I would get him something thoughtful.

WorriedMum231 · 11/12/2023 21:49

AndOnAndOn1000 · 11/12/2023 20:54

Thank you @Bobtheamazinggingerdog and @JustWhatWeDontNeed

Yes, spending X-mas day with us.

Admit, yes sorry no context.
A few things but Not in order:

The continuous dirty pigsty bedroom.

Going AWOL at college, and the numerous embarrassing phone calls I get from his lecturer. He hasn’t even completed one term yet.

He doesn’t seem to take responsibility for his stupidity.

Swearing and shouting if asked to explain what’s going on, or anything he doesn’t want to talk about.

Nice when he wants something - and the next day reverts to being disrespectful.

Chaotic - a nightmare to get him out of the house and it always end up in misery. (Oh yes, always remembers his phone, but not his asthma inhaler!).

Vapes in his bedroom despite being told 100s times not to.

I feel we go round and round in one shitty circle.

doesn’t sound that extreme in all honesty.

yes YBU if you don’t get him presents, I think that’s OTT and harsh.

dooneyousmugelf · 11/12/2023 21:53

Mine is also a bit of a git. But no I could never consider this- the thought breaks my heart! I love my children unconditionally.

AngelontopoftheTree · 12/12/2023 12:25

@AndOnAndOn1000 I know exactly how you feel, I have a a teen boy who is exactly the same! Despite my frustrations and his (at times appalling) behaviour, I will always buy him Christmas and birthday presents.

I do however only give him "pocket" money when he cleans his room and helps out around the house.

Meandmyfeelings · 12/12/2023 17:20

I could have written this post. My ds sounds very similar but also smokes a lot of weed which is making me so incredibly upset. He also vapes in his in room despite being asked repeatedly not to. I too have felt like not buying him a present but I think this will give him fuel to be unpleasant. I will have an amnesty on Christmas Day and try and have a nice day and will give him some presents.

PetrifiedForestNationalPark · 12/12/2023 17:28

PIL once didn't give BIL anything one Christmas because of his behaviour. He still talks about it with great bitterness, despite the fact that this was over 30 years ago and his parents are now dead.

The behaviour sounds annoying but not really that far outside normal teenage arsey behaviour. I think not giving him any presents would be very hurtful and I imagine the last thing that would make him turn over a new leaf.

The language you use about him is really harsh. I wonder whether you could see Christmas as an opportunity for a bit of a reset.

Velvetbee · 12/12/2023 17:39

Of course you give your child Christmas presents. He’ll be less of a knob in 2-3 years and you can laugh together about how difficult these times were. Ideally, you want to be the steady guiding light in his life so that he’ll confide in you as a young adult and carry round your embedded values. Reject him now and he’ll never forgive you. It’ll be a bitterness between you that’ll be hard to get past.

WorriedMum231 · 12/12/2023 18:40

Meandmyfeelings · 12/12/2023 17:20

Can I just ask… what is the issue with him vaping in his room? Why is it a problem? Genuinely curious my DCs are way to young for this and I would prefer they didn’t vape full stop but if they did I can’t see how them vaping in their room would affect anyone else in the house?

DGPP · 12/12/2023 18:44

Because there are long term health consequences of vaping we do not know about yet/haven’t been studied and because of the impact on any younger children in the house? And quite simply because it’s your house and you’ve told them not to?

crew2022 · 12/12/2023 18:45

Teenage behaviour can be so awful. It's hard to live with. But Christmas is a time to forgive and show him you love him. Focus on being together as a family and enjoying time, no arguing or picking him up on things.
One day you'll look back and realise it was a phase in life and he's now a lovely human being.

shiningstar2 · 21/12/2023 13:41

I would definitely buy him presents. Teens can be awful but the hurt of waking up on Christmas day with nothing would stay with him and may even make things worse, drive him into the wrong crowd where he would get plenty of sympathy from 'mates' We have had a dreadful year this year with dgs. Dropped out of A levels, now looks like dropping out if college. Smoking weed, often out until the early hours. The weed makes him lethargic, then he doesn't get up for college, arguments in the house, his self esteem at a low ebb when he sees his friends moving on successfully, his parents (and us) desperately worried. Be aware op that things can get far worse than you describe. He is ND, intelligent but hates being different so tries too hard to fit in with dubious friends. We are working hard to draw him away and back towards the family. Your boy sounds a bit annoying but in general ok. Keep him close op. Get him the Christmas presents. Do nothing which might drive him away. Good luck. 💐

Member786488 · 21/12/2023 20:33

In all honesty I can’t believe this is a serious question.

given what you’ve put down here, presumably as his most serious misdemeanours, none of it comes close to warranting such mean spiriting treatment.

I assume he is your first or only born child? As others have said, it’s typically obnoxious teenage behaviour. What will your sanctions be if he develops seriously bad behaviour?

it’s the job of a teenager to pull away from parents and many do this by exhibiting challenging behaviour.
You love them anyway…

citychick · 21/12/2023 22:31

Following this as we also have a DS17. Added ADHD for fun, and we have had an awful few years. I backed off due to GCSE pressure, and he took that to mean no pressure, no worries, gaming not studying despite gentle nudging.

My gloves are off now because he let his teachers, his family, and himself down.

We've spent the past 2 days bickering and avoiding each other. Christmas at grandparents, I can only hope for semi decent manners.

He's getting a cheapish watch and a wallet. gym gear. that's it. Our teenager years might not be the worst, but certainly given us enough grief as well as juggling lives and work. Grrr.

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