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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Is it as big a deal as I think?

23 replies

Rainorshine09 · 07/12/2023 21:35

My partners Son has has history for being aggressive and isn't good at maintaining relationships with peers. Can be unexpectedly rude and nasty for no reason and sadly has no friends.
He has also caught him out lying on many occasions.

Son has been complaining of another boy shoving him in corridors etc at school. Been going on for a couple of weeks.
Today my partner got a call from school saying his Son had(after being shoved again) got the boy in a headlock and repeatedly punched him in the face causing 'damage' to the boys face. Son has been suspended for a week and teacher said the incident was so severe they considered permanent exclusion.

I thought my partner would be furious as he's a good dad and always tried to show his son right from wrong. But no apparently boy got what was coming to him. My partner isnt angry at son.

I live with them, his son was complaining his knuckles hurt this eve. I just felt sick as was obviously from hitting the boy so hard. Son is 13.

Am I wrong to think he should be angry about it and Son should be punished?

OP posts:

flowerchild2000 · 07/12/2023 21:39

What will anger solve? The boy has been bullied and took it into his own hands. That's the only way to make it stop. He shouldn't have to do that but what choice did he have? Schools don't do anything, the parents of bullies don't do anything. The way he has been acting out previously to this incident was likely due to the bullying. It's sad he had to be the one to make it stop.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/12/2023 21:40

I would be running for the fucking hills if I were you.

SutWytTi · 07/12/2023 21:41

Yes this is serious. I am not sure 'angry' is going to help, but reacting with serious violence to being shoved is dangerous to the other party and a recipe for winding up with a criminal record. Hopefully the other boy was not permanently harmed, that sounds like a very shocking incident.

Did your partner speak to school about the bullying his DS was subjected to? Because if not he let his son down there, and now the son has reacted in a way that will cause further problems.

Sounds like a mess.

Original poster

Rainorshine09 · 07/12/2023 21:46

My partner seemed to not get any details that you think you would ask like how badly is this boy injured? How is he now etc
He was more annoyed with school at mentioning permanent exclusion. The bullying isn't something he wants to address with school. From son's admission this boy is trouble and picks on everyone he thinks he can. I just feel uneasy as we only have his Son's word for what's been happening. His Son seems to be involved in a lot of drama. But this is worse thing he's been involved in

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SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 07/12/2023 22:00

Has he any diagnoses? What else is his father ignoring?

Original poster

Rainorshine09 · 07/12/2023 22:05

@SusanKennedyshouldLTB he has been tested for Autism and ADHD when he was younger but hasn't been diagnosed with either. He comes across as well behaved polite boy but at school acts diffently. I think I'm just shocked by the incident and to hear him in his room gaming and laughing etc this evening and his Dad acting like nothings happened is odd to me.

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Branleuse · 07/12/2023 22:06

He might be rude and lie but if the other boy had been repeatedly violent and pushing and shoving him, then i think that it's hardly surprising he retaliated. Your feelings about his son being unexpectedly rude or nasty are beside the point. This other kid is nothing to you, so why are you more concerned about him?

Original poster

Rainorshine09 · 07/12/2023 22:11

@Branleuse I'm surprised at the lack of concern for other kid. The reason I mentioned him being rude and nasty is that it's a possibility Son has been winding this boy up. Could not be case at all but was just trying to explain that is entirely possible and we only have Sons side of what's happened.
And retaliation I think needs to be at a reasonable level,- pushing him back for example

Putting him in a headlock and punching him several times seems unnecessary violent and extreme.

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hitherandhither · 07/12/2023 22:13

The other boy shoving is unacceptable but your partners DS reaction is far more violent. Shoving the lad back yep, but a headlock and repeatedly punching? That is not self defence and I'm not surprised he's been excluded. I would expect sanctions for the other boy too.

Your partners behaviour over the incident would concern me hugely.

Original poster

Rainorshine09 · 07/12/2023 22:24

@hitherandhither yes it has really bothered me. It sounds very serious, a week long suspension and everything this evening has been like nothings happened. Son is laughing and joking and partner is chatting away to him about game. On the other hand i can't sleep feeling like my partner is so wrong to not be at all concerned about this.

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hitherandhither · 07/12/2023 22:53

Not great @Rainorshine09 - if the other lads family went to the police and wanted to press charges it could be seen as ABH.

Mummapenguin20 · 07/12/2023 23:13

Being in a similar situation, my daughter was being bullied by a group of children all caught on cctv at school and out of school she was chucked in front of a car! For 9months this went on. One day the ring leader spat in my daughters face and she snapped she pinned the girl to floor and punched her. Me I told her she had to take the consequences school gave her (ended up one day in isolation off her record) but I will never punish her for defending herself

Original poster

Rainorshine09 · 08/12/2023 05:42

@Mummapenguin20 sorry to hear that, sounds like your daughter stood up for self after months of it, totally understandable.

My partners Son was according to him being shoved whilst walking pass this boy in the hallway for a couple of weeks. For me what he did doesn't match the level of his retaliation at all.

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determinedtomakethiswork · 08/12/2023 06:27

I'm not sure I would want to live with that boy, and I wouldn't want to live with a father who was so pathetic either. There are parents in court every day backing up their kids who have been violent. Is that the sort of partner you want?

MrsJamin · 08/12/2023 06:33

I think this is a red flag for them both, are they aggressive at home at all, to you?

mrssunshinexxx · 08/12/2023 06:53

He had clearly had enough of being bullied as parents / school hadn't sorted it. We teach our children you are never allowed to start it but you are allowed to finish it! I won't tolerate them being bullied for a minute

Userxyd · 08/12/2023 07:20

Rainorshine09 · 07/12/2023 22:05

Very worrying. You need to make your feelings very clear I'm afraid. Either your relationship won't work out in which case you'll at least have tried to shed light on their terrible attitude towards violence, or you'll stay together which means this son is now partly your responsibility- you'll be picking up the pieces for the next 10+ years of his difficult teenage/young adult years.
Been through it myself. My DH would've come down on him like a ton of bricks and he still got in all kinds of trouble. If he'd confined it like this DSS would very likely be in prison now- he got close but is now lovely calm decent job etc.
your DP needs a reality check- he's not helping his son and sleepwalking into a whole world of problems if he doesn't nip this in the bud.

HelpMeGetThrough · 08/12/2023 07:50

The kid shoving got what was coming to him. If I was being repeatedly shoved, I'd floor the person too.

SutWytTi · 08/12/2023 07:53

HelpMeGetThrough · 08/12/2023 07:50

The kid shoving got what was coming to him. If I was being repeatedly shoved, I'd floor the person too.

And risk a criminal record? Being shoved doesn't justify violent assault, if you're teaching your kids this you're really letting them down, because you're teaching them to risk their own future.

HelpMeGetThrough · 08/12/2023 07:59

if you're teaching your kids this you're really letting them down, because you're teaching them to risk their own future.

At 17 and 22, my kids have turned out just fine.

Branleuse · 08/12/2023 09:31

Rainorshine09 · 07/12/2023 22:11

Putting him in a headlock and punching him several times seems unnecessary violent and extreme.

He's not a trained fighter. He's a kid that already struggles with emotional regulation clearly. He's been pushed around and now this other kid has learned the hard way why you don't do that.
When my daughter was being pushed round by a boy and then ended up fighting back , she also didn't keep her cool and this other boy ended up more hurt than necessary, but what the hell is someone supposed to do? They will have to punish your partner's son because his reaction was more than necessary, but I think maybe you're expecting too much from a kid

RedHelenB · 08/12/2023 10:09

HelpMeGetThrough · 08/12/2023 07:50

The kid shoving got what was coming to him. If I was being repeatedly shoved, I'd floor the person too.

No. Shoving him back was proportional, what dss did could possibly land him in jail.

Original poster

Rainorshine09 · 08/12/2023 10:48

I guess everyone feels differently about it from the mixed views. I still feel it was extreme and not convinced he was being bullied at all given his track record it is hard to tell what's the truth and what isn't.
A sad situation all round.

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