naked sexting, 15 - what do I say to her parents?

[vivariumvivariumsvivaria]

DS, 15, has, it turns out, been doing the same as most 15 year olds with his girlfriend, also 15. She does not live in the same city as us and I have met her parents once.

I have pointed out that these images are a crime, he has agreed to delete them and he is not having his phone at night or until homework/chores etc are done - I admit I've been too slack with his phone.

I'll go through his phone and make sure there are no naked images of this girl on it. He doesn't have other devices, only a school iPad.

However, she has images of him on her phone. I'm going to have to message her parents, aren't I? "Hi, your daughter has images of my son's genitals, please make sure they are deleted and the trash emptied as we have done with the images of her"?

Has anyone got any insight into how best to word this? Or handle it with DS? He knows there is a punishment coming, but losing my temper or saying what I really think won't help manage his behaviour.

Just tell them straight up that they have shared pictures & that those of her have been deleted. I am always baffled by people who send these to photos as they are so easily shared with everyone else. It's illegal isn't it too for U18?

Creating and sharing images of under 18s is illegal even if the people involved consent.
https://www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/online-safety/sexting-sending-nudes/#:~:text=The%20law%20says%20that%20creating,sexual%20messages%20to%20a%20child
Definitely speak to her parents and make sure your sons images are deleted as you don’t want to wait.

Thank you both. I am quite calm about it, he's "in love" with this girl, it's a relationship of nearly a year although, because of distance, they've only seen each other half a dozen times. So I can send a "calm" message to her parents and say that the images need to go, and keep my fingers crossed that is the end of that.

It's very intense, more than I realised - he was tearful about not being able to talk to her all of the time, he looked panicked, really.

I am not discouraging it but I have certainly not been encouraging it other than going with him to the city for the day (and being bored out of my mind in a cafe of some attraction or another) and have welcomed her here for the day - but refused any overnight visits.

it needs stopping though. I hate Snapchat.

God I hate Snapchat too. There's a thread on here to read tonight about the husband posting on pornhub and the responses are pretty universal in go to police.

My DD2 aged 14/15 and her BFF made a complaint against a boy (admittedly over 18) who sent them dick picks and wank videos. They won the case, much to my surprise. He is on the sex offenders register now.

Yes, a boy in my daughter's year was a persistent nuisance/creepy wee sod until he was about 15. By 18 he was predatory. At 24 he's on the register.

I have spoken to DS about porn and about sexting, and yet, here we are. I can't fight against his peers or the onslaught of porn which even though I've got zero tolerance for I know he has seen it. I think all I can do is give him the fright of his life with this.

I don't know if he needs "the fright of his life" - he has definitely messed up big time and it needs dealing with properly, but I would be careful about shaming him around his developing sexuality, you don't want to mess him up. I don't think this is some sort of automatic path to ending up on a register! So deal with it calmly, fairly and sensitively.

I think you’ve dealt with it well. Perhaps get some news articles/documentaries and read/watch through them with him? Talk about consent and technology etc. It might be awkward, but ultimately if he’s engaging in relationships in a semi adult way then being able to consider wider issues, accountability and responsibility is important.

he was tearful about not being able to talk to her all of the time, he looked panicked, really I'd offer to get him a basic phone so he can still phone her, and restrict the smartphone. I don't think it will be helpful to make it impossible to speak to each other.

Then yes you have to phone the parents. I would speak not text. They may be very shocked. It is common to blame the other party as a 'bad influence'.

No, I won't shame him - he's 15, it's normal to be curious and she is important to him. The fright is to try and impose a proper understanding about the problem of naked images. Girls will get shamed, and that can be awful, but boys can get accused.

Good idea to call them - I expect they won't be surprised, it's depressingly inevitable with this age group. They might blame him, I suppose that would be inevitable too.

Is there really a punishment needed? Try teaching him about having respect for girls and himself.

Well, he lied to my face repeatedly but he has been open and honest since, and he's willingly given up his phone. Good idea bout self respect, I hadn't actually thought about this as a form of self debasement.