Long. Sorry.
As the clock turned midnight on his 13th birthday, someone stole our kind, positive, compassionate son and replaced him with a grumpy, judgemental, entitled and argumentative son. We used to be so close. Now I wish he wanted to go to uni for him to wake up to the real world and give us some space from each other. Careful what I wish for, I guess.
He has improved his ways over the last couple of years, he, when in a better mood, admits he regrets the way he's treated me and his brother. DH was stuck in the middle. My problem is I won't let things go. I hate the rudeness, tone and obnoxiousness. I argue back. I take responsibility and hate myself for this.
He (son) and I have had counselling (separately). No idea what he talked about but I have become better at not biting (though unfortunately sometimes I've sucked up and ignored so many irritating/rude behaviours that a minor thing will tip me over the edge. I lose his respect.
I worry about the effect our blow ups have on his self esteem. There's always a negative cloud around him (from him to us and us to him). I worry that he thinks we hate him and will do something to hurt himself.
He did great at GCSEs and used to set himself a goal and do everything he could to reach it.
He smokes weed with his mates occasionally, and this started in the summer after GCSEs, the same time he lost his mojo, drive, goals.
He just wants money. Money money money. A-levels to get him a job with money (not one he'll enjoy). He's not doing great at the new school. They're negative towards him (they really are) and therefore more negativity.
He works hard to earn money but he LOVES to spend it. Always beyond his means. Then he's skint and even more grumpy and hard work until the next payday.
At home he's sullen, argumentative and entitled. Has use of our car we paid for lessons, insurance.
He's wasting his Child Trust Fund (not sure how much he has left) but has wasted it on food, petrol and named clothing/trainers. He won't be able to buy a car now, let alone insurance. We can (and have) used the car as leverage.
Everything is someone else's fault. Never his.
I started life in a council house. DH and I have been able to work/retrain and do up houses so now we live in a house that's quite impressive (asset Rich, cash poor). DH and I will never forget where we've come from, never not be grateful for the chances we've had in life and try VERY HARD not to judge. Unfortunately, son thinks he can make judgements despite me reminding him of our family's backgrounds, how he's no more entitled to anything that anyone else. He has this air of snobbery about him. I hate it. He's done nothing to deserve it apart from be born when he was.
I could go on. The point of my post is that by now, I thought he would have come back. Be better company and we'd be falling out less. I just can't see it ever getting better, he is a different person with different opinions and values to us now (think polar opposite). I know he's entitled to his own, of course, but we wouldn't choose to spend time with someone with such opposing views, would we?
It seems it's all about status, ego and external validation meanwhile he makes us all nervous of what angry, shitty mood he'll come home with. Other people don't see this side to him. He saves it for us.
To clarify, he is generally a good lad. Toes the line. Never given us huge issues like some families have to cope with... It's all low level attitude, tone, show and entitlement and I'm afraid to say it, I actually need a break from it. When will he soften his edges and come back to us? 💔. We love him so very much and he has some wonderful, beautiful qualities under the brashness. Honestly, I won't go into it, too outing, but underneath this hard, prickly shell we know (and have seen) he is still in there. 💯. I know however, he just feels got at and like he can't do anything right because of our constant negative reaction to his negativity. 🥴
Thanks for getting this far.