Feeling the 'turn'

[Trepidfox]

Hi all not sure what I am looking for, maybe just a hand hold. 12 year old DD has changed quite a bit over the last few months. She started year 8 in Sept and I am feeling some real changes I'm struggling to cope with. The mood swings I feel are pretty normal but she has become secretive with her phone, changed the passcode and started scrolling at night in bed. DH told her Sunday she needs to change it back so we know what it is and said it should be charged away from her bedside at night. She has not done either (he checked this morn) he has now said it needs to be confiscated at night after a certain time (only to me, we haven't broached this with DD yet)

She is becoming secretive in general (which I think is normal?) but he is really struggling with this. They had a big talk on Sunday about all these things, personally I feel he talks at her and doesn't really listen or ask her questions. We have a good relationship but I definitely feel she is starting to become less willing to confide in me. She has told me that she becomes quite fearful about world events (war, climate change etc) making her feel like she doesn't want to be alive in this time 🙁 She has mentioned suicide being a worry, we've talked and she said she has intrusive thoughts about it. I am calm when we have talked about this but inside my heart is literally breaking that at 12 years old this is even on her radar. They have been talking a lot about suicide at school (anti bullying)

Dad is very insistent on discipline and feels she is being manipulative with me (I am more willing to be empathetic to hormones and emotions)

Is confiscating the phone at night the way to go? I said it's a bit hypocritical that we scroll in bad and his response was we're both adults, she is still a child and therefore she should do what she's told. We have been pretty relaxed about tech/gaming usage and I think that rather make it an issue where we're threatening punishments (removing/confiscating) that I slowly get her to reduce her time on devices? Am I being too soft?

From reading other threads on here I totally understand this is small potatoes at this stage but I am terrified that if we get this bit wrong we will end up with much bigger issues in the future.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading!

@museumum yes I think this is the way will we go

@MaloneMeadow I agree to an extent but she has always been a bit of a worrier and empathetic. The way it is reported on these days I imagine lots of kids have fears about where the world? I have always said when she expressed the se fears to remember where she is right now and in the present which has been helpful but you're probably right that it needs some professional guidance that maybe I cannot provide

My DD does have OCD - so unfortunately it's something I am all too familiar with. She's been to CAHMS twice for support, when she was 8 years old and again when she was 14. It continues to be an issue but she's better at recognising it and living with it. She's having a flare up at the moment and it's very hard to see. She has several friends (all lovely, kind, high achieving, painfully empathetic) girls - all with OCD. It's often unrecognised and frequently misunderstood. One of her friends cannot bear the news or any story or film with an unhappy ending.

I have a DD the same age and no way is she allowed to have her phone in the evening. I have an app called family link which enables me to lock her phone at 8 every night and she can't download any apps without permission from my phone. I also give her a time limit of one hour a day and then her phone automatically locks until 6.30am the next day. I check her phone randomly.

@Beamur thank you for your post, I am having a look at this now for more info online. I am sorry your dd is having a tough time at the moment x

Not specifically aimed at OP but generally. I thoroughly recommend the "Raising Teen" programme (free, online, or run by your local children's centre) - really supportive, informative and confidence boosting for parents. The organisation behind it has some brilliant resources for all types of parenting situations.

www.sharingparenting.com/for-parents/sharing-parenting-courses/raising-teens/

I downloaded a good explanation of sleep requirements for different ages of children - it was science-based but clear and my young teenagers took it seriously, believed the guidance and were thus amenable to not having phones in bed. They were quite rule-driven boys though!

@Nortam i have this too and regularly check. Have not needed to impose any cut offs in the evening as changing her password and using the phone in bed at night is a new development. We are all going to have a talk tonight to set some boundaries. She comes off eveything at 8pm and we have family time from 8-9 usually watching something together and then she goes to bed. I am going to reintroduce reading at bedtime which she always did previously

@pinkcheesy thank you will have a look x

I think if you involve her in the decision she might react better to it. So ask her what time she thinks is fair and come to a compromise. I'm finding this age hard as they aren't little kids but they aren't teenagers either. (But think they are!)

@Nortam I agree, I would rather go with this approach and be calm about it than suddenly punishing her for something that in reality we've allowed to get out of hand and been a bit stupid about if I'm honest

@Trepidfox I don’t have any experience with a teenager as my DD is only 8, but I’d very strongly suggest that you check and monitor the anime game you mention. It may be age-appropriate, but a lot of anime content online is not suitable for teenagers, especially younger teenagers.

The anime fandom/ sub-culture has some quite dodgy areas, and it’s easy for teenagers to get drawn in without realising it, especially if they are vulnerable and spending a lot of time online on sites such as Tumblr.

Dts are the same age, they hand over their phones before dinner during the week and they get till 9 on weekends. Non negotiable. One in particular would be scrolling all night, she is obsessed. I monitor what they are doing online and they know this.

Another point, there is some kind of sub game or sub server on Roblox where they can get into closets / wardrobes and undressed (the Roblox characters not the kids) and simulate sex so presumably anything else too. It's not an innocent game.

@EllieQ I know it and I absolutely agree it is definitely questionable and some of it quite sexualised. I do keep and eye on all apps and the gaming. Tumblr isn't something on the radar yet but thank you for bringing my attention to it!

@idontlikealdi thanks for this, there is literally something lurking in everything! I'm even more committed to policing it and putting firm boundaries in. We've agreed no phones after 8pm and digital alarm clock from this evening. I have family link on the phone and iPad is not used after homework in the afternoon/early evening