My 14yo ask to move school

[Anna0910]

So long story short, my daughter has had problem keeping friends since primary school. From my observation, she can be very bossy, opinionated and as the year goes on, she is gossipy and mean to others. Now she has completely lost all her friends. I could see it coming and tbh, I wouldnt want to be friends with her either if i was that age. She said alot of mean things and apparently now spread throughout her year and everyone hates her. Nevertheless, reading messages on her phone i am quite shocked at the things some her friends says. Group chats ganging up and laughing at her etc. She said break and lunch times are unbearable, kids coming up to her and shouting at her. I dont remember my teen years like that. But i was a fairly quiet and easy teen.

anyway, now she said she want to move school because she doesnt want to be alone at school and said she can start fresh. My heart is breaking but im not sure that is a solution if she doesn't change her behaviour. She keep saying she cant help being horrible to people which shows shes not taking responsibility. She is in year 10 and she has chosen her options. Moving school means she has to take busses and the current school is 10 min walk :(

My partner said this will blow over and should not take her request to move seriously. Also she needs to learn the consequences of her behaviour. What would you do?

Ask the school if they can put in pastoral support on building relationships. If you do move her, it's going to have to be now as it's the beginning of year 10. Once she's got properly started on her courses it's going to be impossible as not all schools have the same programme or could accommodate her options.

Better to work on her social skills and developing relationships.

I would also ask pastoral if they have any ‘clubs’ or quiet places where she can spend break/lunch, before I moved her.
She is a teen, I don’t think she needs to ‘learn a lesson’, she needs to find her people, and that will probably be at college and Uni.

My worry would be children know each other and will k ow other kids in the other school and they gossip!

I would take her off social media and any chat groups so she is mentally better prepared for school.

Like others speak to pastor oak care and see if they have any groups she could join - move classes - etc

Have you had her assessed? Where does this nastiness come from? It’s worth investigating.

I absolutely would move her. Ok, she’s been awful but at the age she needs a chance to turn it around and now’s the time before she chooses options and starts GCSES. Many of us behave foolishly and burn bridges, I know I did, I only wish I’d done it as early as 14 rather than later when it was more difficult practically to make a fresh start.

Yes get her off social media. My 17 year has never been on it. I kept her off it till she was 16 and now she has no interest in being on it at all. Her teachers told me it’s the bane of their lives.

But she has started them, she's in year ten.

I'd start by finding out if the next nearest school does the same subjects.

Then I'd ,ask her get the bus there on Saturday and Sunday at the same time she would have to get it to school on a school day to see when she thinks.

And I'd restrict her phone access as she's not managing it successfully. She needs to be kept busy in other ways other than being on her phone.

Yes thats my worry too. She knows some people from diff schools and has fallen out with a couple of them. I havent had her assessed but her primary school headteacher said it mostly happens with children from single parent household with little family support - which i was for a long time - because they spend too much time around adults? I’m currently looking for a teen therapist for her.

Your partner is right.
Your daughter has the facilities to finish school well.
She needs to focus on her education and take what she can from her schooling. She has so few years left and she needs to stop making it about friends (Whom she maltreats).
Odds are that she will make enemies in a new school and all the extra travel will stuff up her work capacity from over tiredness.

She needs to be the best person she can be.
"If it is to be, it is up to me." quote Ronald Barassi
Stay at her current school - her friends will also start to focus on life after high school.

Suggest that she will get to choose a new group when she chooses her university.
She could also join a new sporting group or craft group, quite apart from school, to give her access to friends without any peer group pressure.

She has a parent app on her phone due to this problem. Somehow she keeps bypassing it. So I will see to do it a different way.

But she has started them, she's in year ten.

Yes, you’re right. Dd early September baby so always oldest in year which is always in my mind when considering teens ages 😊

I would still move her though OP. Sometimes things are just too far gone to be resolved and she has no power to change her practical circumstances. Anyone new arriving will be told about her too. The new school may hear about her it’s true but hopefully if they don’t see any evidence of it that won’t matter too much.

Is your partner her Dad OP?

I would still move her though OP.

Yes, I think I would too. After investigating the practical side.

She's got a long way to go and if she's totally isolated herself it's going to be difficult I think.

No he is not. We’ve been together since she was 6 but only recently lived together due to his work. She stopped seeing her dad 7 months ago because she realised he isn’t a nice person. I left when she was a baby.

So theres quite a lot going on besides her just being a “mean and gossipy” person. She’s to all intents and purposes recently lost a parent one who has proven himself to be a “bad person”. She must really be struggling. And with all due respect your partner can give his opinion but has no say really.

It was around that age that the scales fell from my own daughter’s eyes about her Dad. She had a couple of years of being really tearful when he was mentioned and was struggling.

Yes I do think theres deeper issues than just friendships. She can be very latchy with people to the point of devaluing herself for friendship then walk all over it.

Apart from that shes doing really well at school, got into talented school programmes, moved up sets.
At the moments she refuse to go to school and/or join clubs during break and lunchtime because she said its sad to be seen alone and people will
laugh at her. I will speak to her pastoral team today and see if theres anything they can do.