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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teen taking drugs and I don't know what to do - trigger warning

13 replies

unhappymumofteen · 22/11/2023 00:48

Teen DD (17) has had a tough 18 months and is traumatised. Her sibling unexpectedly died, she said she was sexually abused when she was younger, previously self harmed, had an abortion and been suicidal. She was referred to CAHMS but refused to engage. She finally agreed to therapy over the last few months. Although she no longer is self harms and is suicidal, she self sabotages in other ways by not eating properly and taking drugs and vaping. It started off with weed, but has progressed to ketamine and coke - particularly since the break up of her first love bf. She hangs around with equally troubled friends, lost most of her stable friends by focusing on bf, ste and the troubled group, steals and lies, and regularly does not attend college. I am beside myself with worry. She never used to be like this before. I know vaping, bfs and taking weed is fairly standard for teens - but the drugs are freaking me out. Her latest episode was taking drugs alone after being upset over the latest breakup of her bf. She doesn't even seem to care that I see her with white powder on her nose or when she is stoned.I've tried talking to her, begging and pleading. But she denies everything and says that her drug use is under control and she is not addicted. She also will talk and say all the 'right' things but her actions tell a different story. She has extremely unhealthy coping strategies and I am so so scared. please help. I am desperately hoping someone has been through this nightmare and can give me some advice and possibly hope too that things will turn around

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 22/11/2023 01:30

I just wanted to give you a handhold. The combination of a bereavement and sexual assault is terrible. And yes, trauma and addiction are just inextricably linked.

If she won't engage, you will have to work hard on being as stable, kind, present and boundaried as you can. Do you have any support? Al Anon to start with.

JFT · 22/11/2023 01:47

Agree to Al Anon. Also reading up on setting boundaries with people who are 'using' substances.

unhappymumofteen · 22/11/2023 21:29

Thank you for your messages of support. Reading up on boundaries .... one suggested is to refuse to allow the drugs in my house and if they break that to get them to leave.....This seems to be very harsh. Besides which DD is under 18 and still in FT education. I could never throw her out on the streets.

OP posts:
ImustLearn2Cook · 22/11/2023 21:45

unhappymumofteen · 22/11/2023 21:29

Thank you for your messages of support. Reading up on boundaries .... one suggested is to refuse to allow the drugs in my house and if they break that to get them to leave.....This seems to be very harsh. Besides which DD is under 18 and still in FT education. I could never throw her out on the streets.

@unhappymumofteen The crucial thing about boundaries is that they are your personal boundaries. You choose what you will or will not allow. You don’t have to take on suggestions that make you feel uncomfortable.

I think @MrsTerryPratchett ‘s advice is good. I don’t have much to add except that I hope it all works out for you and your daughter.

pearldiamond · 24/11/2023 22:22

My dd went through a horrendous time from age 16-18. Drink, drugs, smoking, promiscuous sex, going to random blokes houses whilst off her head, hitch hiking. You name it, she did it. Nothing shocked me in the end 😞 altho it did traumatise me!

She is now nearly 20 and having dropped out of college, got a diagnosis of adhd and not worked for just over a year, she is finally coming out the other side. But only just!

All I can say is, be her rock. No matter what she does/says, be there for her. Treat each day as a new day. Forgive her. Love her.

She will come back 💜

pearldiamond · 24/11/2023 22:25

I also could never chuck her out. I did, however, have to keep A LOT from DH (her stepdad) because I don't think he would have been so lenient. God, if he knew some of the stuff she did! 🙈

wishmyhousetidy · 25/11/2023 12:36

pearldiamond · 24/11/2023 22:22

My dd went through a horrendous time from age 16-18. Drink, drugs, smoking, promiscuous sex, going to random blokes houses whilst off her head, hitch hiking. You name it, she did it. Nothing shocked me in the end 😞 altho it did traumatise me!

She is now nearly 20 and having dropped out of college, got a diagnosis of adhd and not worked for just over a year, she is finally coming out the other side. But only just!

All I can say is, be her rock. No matter what she does/says, be there for her. Treat each day as a new day. Forgive her. Love her.

She will come back 💜

What do you think was the reason she has come out the other side? my daughter same as the Op and yours and has just received an adhd diagnosis- she is 17.in addition we have had issues with violence towards myself. what do you think in you experience has helped? is it maturity or medication? Or just time and understanding

pearldiamond · 25/11/2023 14:12

It was quite extreme!

She met a boy online and within 3 weeks he was living full time with us! 🫣. He was also drinking/doing drugs, his mum is a crack addict, horrendous upbringing. But somehow they helped each other. She stopped drinking / drugs (except weed) and no longer went out all night / went missing because she had him at home. So it stopped all those really risky behaviours.

He was quite controlling though. So she kind of lost herself for 18 months. Lost all but one friend, dropped out of college the week after she met him, left her job where she'd been since 15yo, changed what she wore and worked for a bit but then crashed and burned and hasn't worked for just over a year. He no longer lives with us. He went back home 1.5hrs away and they see each other quite a bit now but finally, since June when he moved out, she is finding herself again and is tentatively talking about getting a part time job.

So he helped in one sense, but has hindered her hugely too.

She's just started adhd meds but it's still a long way to go.

I do also think maturity helps. It is so SO hard when they're like this though. I nearly had a breakdown because I thought I would lose her to drugs/rape/murder/anorexia at one point 😞

ADHD was also a massive influence on her behaviour too

wishmyhousetidy · 25/11/2023 15:45

Thank you very much for your reply. Drugs and life endangering risky behaviours so much more linked to ADHD than I realised before this happened to our family. And yes the burn out is a terrible thing but fingers crossed all our girls will get there eventually. Hope the meds help.

pearldiamond · 25/11/2023 19:39

thank you. i had no idea she had adhd until diagnosis but it answered so many questions.
Dropped
her self esteem was so low because of all her so-called failures linked to ADHD that drinking and taking drugs, and being in control of what she ate was the only way she gained any control in her life

good luck!!

ValBiro · 25/11/2023 19:51

I was this teen. My mum says how hard it was as there just weren't the resources at the time for her to understand, get advice or even just be able to talk about it... No online forums or information, for example. She said no one wanted to speak about it and she had the impression none of her other mum friends were going through anything similar. All their kids seemed perfect! Sorry Mum 😞. I gave my parents a really rough ride and I am forever grateful to them for standing by me.

And... I came out of it ok in the end. I grew out of it. I had my first DD at 22 and just grew up. I'm now a normal mum of 3, happily married, homeowner, have worked in education for 11 years... Teetotal too!

But I did all of the above and it must have been terrifying for my parents.

I'm sorry for your loss too @unhappymumofteen . You say she lost a sibling... You are obviously processing some trauma too so having this to deal with on top of everything must be breaking you.

wishmyhousetidy · 25/11/2023 20:55

ValBiro · 25/11/2023 19:51

I was this teen. My mum says how hard it was as there just weren't the resources at the time for her to understand, get advice or even just be able to talk about it... No online forums or information, for example. She said no one wanted to speak about it and she had the impression none of her other mum friends were going through anything similar. All their kids seemed perfect! Sorry Mum 😞. I gave my parents a really rough ride and I am forever grateful to them for standing by me.

And... I came out of it ok in the end. I grew out of it. I had my first DD at 22 and just grew up. I'm now a normal mum of 3, happily married, homeowner, have worked in education for 11 years... Teetotal too!

But I did all of the above and it must have been terrifying for my parents.

I'm sorry for your loss too @unhappymumofteen . You say she lost a sibling... You are obviously processing some trauma too so having this to deal with on top of everything must be breaking you.

These are such helpful/hopeful stories to hear.Well done and thanks it really helps parents going through this to feel that there is hope

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