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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Help needed with teenager

18 replies

Maybenotthistime · 18/11/2023 22:35

My son aged 15 has not made close friends at Secondary school. He was popular and outgoing at primary. We have spent the last few years thinking it will get better. He loves music and is academic, throws himself into school academically but not socially. At home he will often have long naps.I feel he may be depressed. How do I suggest to him some therapy and where is best to get it. Thanks

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Jellykat · 18/11/2023 22:49

Didn't want to leave you unanswered..
Aw poor kid.. my DS had real trouble making friends until he left school at 16 and went to the local tech college.
Are there any clubs or classes he might like to do outside of school, with like minded people i.e music orientated.. build his confidence up a bit away from the school situation?

Sticktoslimmingworld · 19/11/2023 08:54

Have you considered DofE?

Findaway · 19/11/2023 09:01

Well teenagers do like naps. The good news is he is throwing himself into the academic side of school which will pay dividends in the long run. I would look at outside school stuff, any clubs, sports, interests he might have where he can make some friends there?

Both of my sons game online where you are paired with randoms for team games, doesn't mean they are friends but they make connections for a brief time whilst playing etc. Are there any board games clubs locally where you could all attend? Build up acquaintances from there, familiar faces. Mine both did martial arts and gained their black belts. Nice for them to socialise with a mixed age group.

Maybenotthistime · 20/11/2023 06:00

Thank you so much for the replies and reassurance.

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MidnightOnceMore · 20/11/2023 06:04

For a child who is doing well academically and loves music, it's a leap to jump to 'depressed' without more information.

Having a nap is not a sign of depression unless you mean he sleeps an excessive amount.

What would happen if you encouraged him to go to more music-related extracurricular things?

tiredandolderthanithought · 20/11/2023 06:22

He may not have found his tribe! This was the case with my dd. She was happy at school and had a couple of friends but she didn't really go out much or be invited to lots of parties.

Cut to college and she has loads of friends. Her tribe has now been found!

lljkk · 20/11/2023 06:31

How much is he staying up at night so needs long naps to catch up? Teens do that (stay up all hours, I mean)

Bendysnap · 20/11/2023 06:35

What instruments does he play? There will be youth bands that rehearse at the weekend (for brass and woodwind) and also orchestral and band courses over all holidays. Really vibrant social life for young
musicians via that route.

Bendysnap · 20/11/2023 06:37

Does he have lots of friends he messages on snap chat? He may have close friends but just not ones he leaves the house to see and socialises online?

if he does not use social media (messaging) at all that may indicate he hasn’t found his gang. Has he told you he doesn’t have close friends? Does he enjoy going to school: does he talk about boys from school?

is he interested in changing school for sixth form?

ProfessorPeppy · 20/11/2023 07:00

I was your DS at secondary: musical/academic but didn’t really find my tribe and constantly exhausted. DS1 is still at primary and similar but he has an ASD/ADHD diagnosis. He needs lots of chill time outside of school in order to be able to cope with the demands.

whiteroseredrose · 20/11/2023 09:07

Agree he hasn't found his tribe yet. DS made his closest friends in 6th Form. Studying similar subjects and equally keen.

Username6445 · 20/11/2023 09:10

He probably knows about these already from school, but Kooth is a good national service for kids. You can do phone or web chat. And Young Minds have good resources. There will be other free, great services local to you too but depends on where you are as to what they’re called. There are usually groups for kids, one to one support, telephone support for kids and parents.

whataboutnowery · 20/11/2023 17:12

I have a son that has also not made friends. He is 14, it seems a long lonely 2 years until he can join a college. Plus, he’s being bullied relentlessly. He is in his 3rd year and no changes. I'm considering moving schools to a smaller secondary.

Maybenotthistime · 23/11/2023 22:08

Thank you so much for the responses. I will think over and respond.

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Maybenotthistime · 25/11/2023 20:29

As I said, thank you again for your responses. I will try to describe more clearly the situation. My son thrives on social contact, fun and chat, for example when we're with family friends who we have known for years. But he seems to have totally lost cconfidence with making friends or taking
initiative with anything, yes he will go to the climbing lesson I have arranged for him on Saturdays but won't ever plan anything for himself. He is fine when we are motivating him but I'm not sure what he would do without us getting him going. He is not thriving and making plans. This has been for a couple of years now and is not changing. I would like to see if he would like some counselling but no idea about how to go about raising it. Thanks

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MidnightOnceMore · 25/11/2023 20:52

Maybenotthistime · 25/11/2023 20:29

As I said, thank you again for your responses. I will try to describe more clearly the situation. My son thrives on social contact, fun and chat, for example when we're with family friends who we have known for years. But he seems to have totally lost cconfidence with making friends or taking
initiative with anything, yes he will go to the climbing lesson I have arranged for him on Saturdays but won't ever plan anything for himself. He is fine when we are motivating him but I'm not sure what he would do without us getting him going. He is not thriving and making plans. This has been for a couple of years now and is not changing. I would like to see if he would like some counselling but no idea about how to go about raising it. Thanks

What you describe here yes he will go to the climbing lesson I have arranged for him on Saturdays but won't ever plan anything for himself. He is fine when we are motivating him but I'm not sure what he would do without us getting him going is really normal for his age & stage.

You need to be very careful that you are not pathologising normal teenage development.

Why are you leaning to 'depressed' rather than 'teenager'? There must be more to it than this.

If a teen is doing well in school, is sociable with those he knows well (you mention family friends) and attends activities (climbing), I would not assume depressed. Depressed would be disengaged from school, refusing to speak to family friends and resisting going to climbing.

Maybenotthistime · 25/11/2023 21:55

OK thank you for your response.

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SpringingJoy · 25/11/2023 22:49

What you describe here yes he will go to the climbing lesson I have arranged for him on Saturdays but won't ever plan anything for himself. He is fine when we are motivating him but I'm not sure what he would do without us getting him goingis really normal for his age & stage. You need to be very careful that you are not pathologising normal teenage development

Very much agree with this.

Ds1 is 15 and very similar. Very intelligent and academic, great company, doing well in school. Does fine engaging with people generally and seems quietly content most of the time.

However, left to his own devices he will mooch, game and nap. He doesn't generally organise things, make plans or suggest places to go. Mooch, game, nap and repeat.

However he's always happy enough to go out for any meals we book. He will gently grumble about walks or some visits or activities but enjoys himself when there. He showed some interest in basketball so I joined him up to the local team to much indifference from him...but after a couple of sessions he was enjoying and he's gone twice a week now for three years.

By contrast, ds2 (13) is the polar opposite personality wise. He's on the go constantly, talks your ear off until you want to shush him, always thinking up ideas and making plans and suggestions, constantly pleading for money to go for food/to the cinema/the fair or whatever with one of his huge group of friends.

Comparison is dangerous. I have at times wondered both if ds2 potentially has adhd or if ds1 is depressed. Then I've realised neither are and the only reason my mind has wandered that way is because I'm comparing them to each other. They're just different.

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