‘Sleepovers’ with girlfriend aged 16yo

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DS (16) has a girlfriend of a few months. She’s also 16. They’re devoted to each other and it does seem appropriate, balanced and supportive.

They tend to hang out at her parents house and recently DS has asked if he can have a ‘sleepover’ with GF at hers. Apparently, her parents are fine with it.

So far I’ve said No. I just can’t imagine that this is what her parents want in their house. It’s too much. What’s the right way to handle this?

There is no right way! Parents will differ in their approaches.
I was firmly in the "no sleepovers" camp. Now, and after my DD and her BF had a sleepover secretly (his parents did not allow a sleepover, she told us she was going to her BFF's and then went to his place when his parents were away for the weekend), I think it's better to allow it, but put limits on it.

Thanks @incognito50me I think I would feel better if the parents weren’t there. It seems like the pressure is coming from DS and his girlfriend, and the parents are having to go along with it in their own home.

Can you talk/message her parents?

Can you speak to the parents. Honestly they will
do it somewhere and better it’s somewhere safe.

Look I don’t have a teenager so I don’t really know how I’ll feel when the time comes. But I guarantee you they are already having sex. So what’s the difference really? This way they get to snuggle up together afterwards instead of one of them going home. (As an adult I’d be pretty pissed off if a guy didn’t want to stay over).

It’s part of an adult relationship isn’t it. And they are moving very quickly towards full blown adulthood.

It’s not in your house. If the other parents are fine with it (and as a PP said maybe check!) then in all honesty I think you should let it go.

OP, many parents would be fine with this, given that they've been together a few months and are both over the age of consent. If you're not fine that's okay, we all have to make our own decision as a parent, but I'm just responding to your phrase "I just can’t imagine that this is what her parents want in their house".

Fwiw my DS has sleepovers with his girlfriend and me and DH and her parents are fine with that. They're 17 not 16 though.

I'd get in touch with his parents too. I had the same issue with my daughter when she wanted her boyfriend to come on holiday with us (she's an only child so no sibling to hang about with). I got in touch with her boyfriend's Mum and we both had a chat with our children. They both said that they "weren't ready for that" (sex) yet but just wanted to be together. They often stay over at one or the other's house (we only live two streets apart!) and both sets of parents are relaxed about it. They will be "ready for that" at some point (they've been together two years now) and I'd rather we talked about it openly than made it something taboo.

Contact the parents, if you haven't already. They'll tell you how they feel about it.
It's two things: sexual activity vs sleeping over. In our case, both sets of parents are aware that sexual activity is happening (in the kids' respective homes). His parents are not ok with sleepovers, and that's reasonable as well. They don't know the kids have already done it without their permission, and I don't think it's my role to tell them; however, as long as they are not ok with sleepovers, we won't allow them either.

I really don't understand this perspective.

They are of legal age and are most likely already having sex. Sure lly doing this in a safe environment (i.e. girlfriends home) is preferable to the alternative. Which, in my personal experience from when I was a teenager was not always the most safe and secure locations - that's putting it nicely.

What exactly is it you are worried about?

It’s not the sexual activity, which I am sure they’ll handle fine. It’s the pressure of them being a fully fledged couple under someone else’s roof. And of the guest not going home and still being there in the morning. And the pressure of family somehow being invested in the relationship.

I really like DSs girlfriend - she’s great. But I don’t want either of them to feel like they are in a mini marriage. They’re too young for that.

Ahh that makes more sense. I do think you are worrying unnecessarily though. The vast majority of people spend the night with their bf/gf at that age and have them as a part of the family, but it doesn't result in them feeling like it's a 'mini marriage'.

They aren't planning on moving in together, getting a mortgage, getting full time jobs and having a baby. They're talking about spending the night together at their parents house. I honestly think it's a non issue. It's a part of growing up and moving towards more adult relationships and an adult lifestyle.

Tbh I don't think that staying over means that it's a mini marriage or that their parents are invested in the relationship.

You can't tell them how to feel. Mine stopped over from 15+, they wanted to spend tine together which is natural in a relationship. As long as they still see friends, have separate activities I don't see the harm.

I think you are over thinking this why not just put a limit to how many nights they spend together a week. One night at each house. Staying over occasionally is no where near a mini marriage but this could easily start to add a wedge between you and your son if you start adding barriers.

Just allow it, they'll find a way around the rule. Better to allow it so you know where your son is and he is honest with you etc