DD feels like a gooseberry

[Fudgingit85]

She’s 12 - confident, outgoing, friendly and has a decent number of friends. There are 2 girls in particular she really likes but they are clearly best friends and although they hang out as a trio, the other two always pair up together - so, for example, if there are only 2 seats they’ll always sit together while DD sits elsewhere, pair up in lessons, chat about things that don’t include DD etc.

She’s told them a few times she feels left out and they do make an effort to include her but they soon go back to pairing up again.

I really don’t think they’re doing this to be mean - I’ve said to DD that it sounds like they’re best friends and don’t mean to leave her out but just gravitate towards each other. She said the problem is she always feels like the “third” friend - everyone else has a ‘pair’ except her. Makes me really sad to think she feels like that.

I’ve said to her that friendship groups change a lot at her age and to try branching out within her group and perhaps invite a couple of friends round after school that she’s not as close to, to try to get to know some other friends better (in the hope that she might find her ‘pair’).

I really don’t know what else to advise her. I hate to think that she feels like she’s no one’s ‘choice.’ Any advice on how i can help her?

I just wanted to say, that I think that you are giving her good advice!

Thank you @SkaneTos that means a lot ❤️

So often when my DC are having a problem and they ask for advice, I feel put on the spot and worry that I’m spouting a load of rubbish that I’ve not had a chance to think through! It feels like being a parent requires you to practically be a counsellor/psychologist and I feel woefully underqualified!

I agree, this is good advice.
What I have found through the years is that sometimes it helps if at first you say: "that's a complicated situation, let me think about it for a bit and then we'll talk about it". Sometimes my gut reaction is not what will help the most, and buying yourself a little time is the right thing to do.

You are giving her great advice. If she has any clubs she attends I would look at encouraging her to socialise with kids she knows from there. If she is changing schools for high school I would try to send to a different school to them. If you notice any other third friend kids at school, maybe encourage a few catch ups with them.

I remember feeling the same at school for some time, like everyone else has a pair and I was good friends with everyone but no one's go-to. Like they didn't mind being my pair at all but also would naturally choose someone else.

Friendships change and evolve quite rapidly at school though. She might make a new friend or become closer with one of those later on. I think people go through phases of really good friends a lot, at least we did. In the end I became best friends with another girl in a different class who was even more of a floater than me, and had friends in so many different circles but wasn't properly in one "group".

Basically she isn't alone, I know it's hard but try not to let it get to her. As others said keep options open through clubs etc and I expect it will not stay like this forever

Thank you all for your kind words.

FYI she’s already at secondary school.

How do I help her feel that there’s not something “wrong” with her that is preventing her from other girls “choosing” her?

DD was always been a 3rd wheel in friendship groups until Yr5 when she finally became 1 of 4 in a good group. Yr 7 is looking a bit the same ie gone back to gravitating to being a 3rd and I know she is missing the closeness of her primary group but she will just have to work it out even though I can forsee some heartbreak along the way.
It's tough watching them go through it though.

@twistyizzy it’s so hard isn’t it?😞

@Fudgingit85 definitely but sadly all a part of growing up. They just need to learn to find their own path

It's so hard to pass this feeling on as she will feel like things will never change - but if we look back over our own lives, most of us have had massive changes over the years in our friendships.

school/ college /uni/ work/ different jobs/ close friends/ neighbours / people you meet through kids.

The issue here is partly in how she FEELS about what is happening rathr than what is happening on its own. If she wants more friends, then she needs to ) to think - yes there are lots and lots of people out there who I will get on with in life and the more people I meet the more likely I am to find my tribe - and to try really, really hard to look at the bigger picture - and believe a year from now if she makes an effort to do more clubs / groups etc and just relax into them, she will make friends.

the more she says 'you are leaving me out' - the less appealling it will be to others unfortunately =

I have had problems with my own child being left out at stages and it's so hard because you can't tell them too bluntly - the more you look like you are desperate to be included, the less you will be seen as fun to be around unfortunately .

@waterrat - yes, she’s said herself she knows she can’t keep saying “you’re leaving me out” as it’ll get annoying.

Thing is she has lots of good friends, goes to clubs and is a confident girl - she has no problem at all approaching anyone and chatting to them. In fact, when she’s out with friends, they rely on her to speak up for them - some of them are quite shy and won’t speak to say, shop assistants, or order a drink in a cafe.

It’s not that she needs more friends, she just wants to feel like she’s someone’s best friend, I think.

I had this at school, there isn’t really a solution other than trying to find a different friend group. She doesn’t need to to dramatically say that’s it, we are done. But spend more time with friends other than the two friends. They have made their position clear, so testing the water with other kids until she finds her person. Even if she doesn’t find a best friend, she might find people that don’t continuously leave her out. She needs to change her mindset about those girls, they are good friends, but be on the lookout for new close friends. And she should start by spending time with other kids outside of school. This really is one of the hardest parts of school. I changed my kids schools as this was a bit of an issue. They are both so much happier now.