How to help DD with social anxiety

floraflo · 2023-11-12T08:37:43+00:00

My DD suffers with social anxiety. She is open with me about it, we have a good relationship (I think) and we talk regularly about what she's thinking and how she's dealing with things but social anxiety is really holding her back. She's 16 now and not enjoying college for this reason. She suffered with bulling in the past and on and off through secondary school which I think is where the anxiety stems from. We are on a waiting list for CAMS and have been for 18 months or so but I just don't know how to support her in the meantime or what to suggest. I've reached out to her college who have various things they can do to help her but she doesn't want to talk talk to anyone about it which i understand but frustrates me as it feels like she doesn't want to help herself. Has anyone else dealt with similar and what helped your child? Im worried that if we don't deal with it and give her some coping strategies she will end struggling with being in a work environment too and hating it.

DustyLee123 · 12/11/2023 08:39

She needs to be open to counselling, or CAMHS will be no help either.
Is there a part time job she can get, to get her used to talking to new people?

MidnightOnceMore · 12/11/2023 08:50

I would encourage her to express her feelings and fears in other ways whilst waiting - draw the feelings or write them out. She can put them through the shredder if she wants to get them out of her head without sharing them.

Talking is actually quite hard at first. It can feel scary to verbalise things that you have had partly squashed down. When you verbalise them you have to feel the feelings you have been avoiding for some time. But a counsellor should make her feel safe enough to start.

At 16 I might buy her a book about how and why counselling helps - get her to think about the theory before deciding whether to go forward. Also help her research how to deal with emotions in other ways. The more control she feels the better.

Original poster

floraflo · 12/11/2023 09:29

DustyLee123 · 12/11/2023 08:39

She needs to be open to counselling, or CAMHS will be no help either.
Is there a part time job she can get, to get her used to talking to new people?

I agree Dusty but to a 16 yr old with social anxiety, talking to a stranger is a nightmare. She has been trying to get a job since she turned 16 but only one interview so far. She is trying though which is great and I am also hopeful it will help her. Thanks for your reply.

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Original poster

floraflo · 12/11/2023 09:31

MidnightOnceMore · 12/11/2023 08:50

I would encourage her to express her feelings and fears in other ways whilst waiting - draw the feelings or write them out. She can put them through the shredder if she wants to get them out of her head without sharing them.

Talking is actually quite hard at first. It can feel scary to verbalise things that you have had partly squashed down. When you verbalise them you have to feel the feelings you have been avoiding for some time. But a counsellor should make her feel safe enough to start.

At 16 I might buy her a book about how and why counselling helps - get her to think about the theory before deciding whether to go forward. Also help her research how to deal with emotions in other ways. The more control she feels the better.

Thank you. Some really good ideas here. Will look for a book about why and how it helps.

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Wolfpa · 12/11/2023 09:32

Have you tried to get her involved in any groups outside of school? Girlguidings main purpose is to build girls confidence. You could go with her for some sessions so she doesn’t have to walk in on her own.

Rollergirl11 · 12/11/2023 10:16

DD struggled with social anxiety (amongst other things including an ED and generalised anxiety). She didn’t get anything positive from CAMHS so I wouldn’t bank on that making any difference when you do eventually get seen. However we have been paying privately for her to see a psychotherapist for the last 2 years on and off. She has seen 3 different therapists; each with varying degrees of success. This has been really good for DD and she definitely benefits from being able to talk through things with someone completely impartial who can then start to gently challenge DD’s thought processes.

The other thing that really helped her is that she got a part time job at a supermarket chain. This really pushed her out of her comfort zone at the beginning. By forcing her to engage with strangers it has allowed her to put things in perspective and stop her from overthinking the tiny little details that she would have ordinarily obsessed over.

Original poster

floraflo · 12/11/2023 11:18

Rollergirl11 · 12/11/2023 10:16

DD struggled with social anxiety (amongst other things including an ED and generalised anxiety). She didn’t get anything positive from CAMHS so I wouldn’t bank on that making any difference when you do eventually get seen. However we have been paying privately for her to see a psychotherapist for the last 2 years on and off. She has seen 3 different therapists; each with varying degrees of success. This has been really good for DD and she definitely benefits from being able to talk through things with someone completely impartial who can then start to gently challenge DD’s thought processes.

The other thing that really helped her is that she got a part time job at a supermarket chain. This really pushed her out of her comfort zone at the beginning. By forcing her to engage with strangers it has allowed her to put things in perspective and stop her from overthinking the tiny little details that she would have ordinarily obsessed over.

Thank you Rollergirl. How did you go about finding a good physiotherapist?

I'm hopeful she'll be successful in her job search soon as I think she needs to be pushed out of her comfort zone a little to find out that her negative thoughts around social situations won't all come true.

I'm glad to hear your DD has found things that helped her.

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Original poster

floraflo · 12/11/2023 11:19

Wolfpa · 12/11/2023 09:32

Have you tried to get her involved in any groups outside of school? Girlguidings main purpose is to build girls confidence. You could go with her for some sessions so she doesn’t have to walk in on her own.

Thank you Wolfpa. Yea, I've suggest any number of clubs and activities but she refuses. Very frustrating as I can't force her but I'm sure they'd help if she'd just open her mind but I guess that's the nature of her anxiety.

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Rollergirl11 · 13/11/2023 08:19

@floraflo i went on Psychology today and BUPA websites and searched for psychotherapists in my area that specialised in teens with eating disorders and anxiety. I then contacted 4 or 5. I found that lots weren’t taking on new clients. But I eventually found the lady that DD saw for around a year and was the person she liked the most. When this lady relocated to another country she recommended other practitioners she thought would be suited to my DD and so we went from there. It’s expensive at around £60 per 50 minutes. At one point DD was going every week but now she has dropped down to an adhoc basis as and when she feels she needs one.