Son feeling rejected

nurseymummy1996 · 2023-11-05T15:03:39+00:00

Hi all, my son is having a really tricky time with his choir at the moment and I just wondered what anyone else would do? As a background, he joined a Cathedral choir 3 years ago. He's always loved it and although it's hard work and a big commitment for us, we're happy to encourage him. He's now 13, and we know his days in the junior choir are numbered, as once his voice changes he'll go up to Songmen. Recently, the head and deputy choristers have gone up to Songmen, leaving vacancies. So a month ago, a boy that started at the same time as my son but is 3 years younger, was made Deputy. Today, this boy was made Head Chorister, with great ceremony, in the service. My son said he's heard the staff saying that there isn't anyone suitable to be a Deputy (he'd be the only possible choice, as all the other boys are quite new). I know the choir staff probably have their reasons, but my son seems so sad and has just said "well, I'm obviously a rubbish singer". My heart hurts for him - I 'm no pushy mum, but I just want him to be happy. He suffers with anxiety, and this is just making him feel worse about himself. I could ask the choir staff directly, but really don't want to look like a tiger mum. So, if you've read this far thank you so much, and WWYD?

Pashazade · 05/11/2023 15:13

Is the deputy position one they like to try and keep someone in for a year or more. It may simply be that your sons voice shift is too imminent and they don't want to have to chop and change again. I think you could politely ask the choir staff and explain to the choir staff that your son believes it's because he isn't good enough.
You might not like the answer and you don't have to tell him but it may just be his voice isn't as clear due to age and it starting to shift. You won't be a tiger mum for enquiring.

ManchesterLu · 05/11/2023 15:41

They'll almost certainly be going for longevity - your son will be moving up soon, whereas this boy will likely have another 3 years there, so it makes more sense. Unfortunately it's not always the case that everyone gets a go at being in key positions, and it's a lesson that he will need to learn in life.

booktokbear · 05/11/2023 15:48

Ah op, just sending my solidarity. It's so hard when you're hurting for them isn't it.

Dacadactyl · 05/11/2023 15:48

I also think it's OK to ask the choir leader, if done in the right manner.

allhailthebrain · 04/12/2023 03:09

That's really sad, and I can see why you'd both be upset.

While I'd be terrible at taking this advice myself, I would suggest getting in touch and asking them...

I do know that's not easy though.

XelaM · 04/12/2023 11:53

allhailthebrain · 04/12/2023 03:09

That's really sad, and I can see why you'd both be upset.

While I'd be terrible at taking this advice myself, I would suggest getting in touch and asking them...

I do know that's not easy though.

Why is it not easy?

It's just a simple question. I think OP should definitely ask those in charge of the choir and explain how your son feels about it.

Greenfinch7 · 04/12/2023 12:29

My son was a chorister too, briefly (we took him out after a year).

The atmosphere in some choirs is cult like and secretive, and parents are not supposed to question anything. OP if your choir is not like this, and if you are lucky enough to have a good person to talk to, I would definitely ask. Your poor son! That is so hurtful, especially in a situation as hierarchical as a choir. It is likely that they hear signs that your son's voice is starting to change and don't want to have too short a time with him as head chorister. If that is the case and you tell a kind person what your son overheard, they should be able to reassure him that he is deeply valued and that he is completely capable of being head chorister, would have done the extra solos beautifully, just the timing is wrong. If they are not so kind and say he is not up to it and that's life, I would try to help him remember how great the world outside the choir is, how many other opportunities there are and what a narrow world he has dedicated himself to, (which has been great, but just one aspect of life).

(In my experience, the atmosphere of a boys' choir school at an Oxford college was quite toxic, and there was little regard for the individual child- everything was about the group, and was not open to ANY question. Also difficult was the fact that the choir is so absorbing that the children forget that there is a world outside of the choir- it becomes their life. These are some of the reasons we left...)

allhailthebrain · 04/12/2023 18:55

@XelaM it’s simply something I would get anxious about that’s all - and I was trying to acknowledge that while it’s how I would recommend dealing with this, it may not be be an easy thing for everyone to do.

Hope you get an answer OP!

Naptrappedmummy · 04/12/2023 18:57

XelaM · 04/12/2023 11:53

Why is it not easy?

It's just a simple question. I think OP should definitely ask those in charge of the choir and explain how your son feels about it.

Show quote history

Do not do this. What outcome could it achieve? The other boy won’t be stripped of his position. This is just one of those character building things that he will have completely forgotten about in 2 years. Building it up into this big thing will make it worse. This is life unfortunately

lemonsaretheonlyfruit · 04/12/2023 19:03

I would speak to them.. and only tell my DS if it was something that didn't confirm his belief that it might be because he is a rubbish singer.

Ie if it was because he's not going to be around for too much longer - if it's that or similar I would tell him as it depersonalises it and he'll know it's not about him or his singing.

If it's more personal than that, and it's going to make him more anxious then I'd keep it to yourself.

GetMeGetme · 29/06/2024 16:55

Greenfinch7 · 04/12/2023 12:29

My son was a chorister too, briefly (we took him out after a year).

The atmosphere in some choirs is cult like and secretive, and parents are not supposed to question anything. OP if your choir is not like this, and if you are lucky enough to have a good person to talk to, I would definitely ask. Your poor son! That is so hurtful, especially in a situation as hierarchical as a choir. It is likely that they hear signs that your son's voice is starting to change and don't want to have too short a time with him as head chorister. If that is the case and you tell a kind person what your son overheard, they should be able to reassure him that he is deeply valued and that he is completely capable of being head chorister, would have done the extra solos beautifully, just the timing is wrong. If they are not so kind and say he is not up to it and that's life, I would try to help him remember how great the world outside the choir is, how many other opportunities there are and what a narrow world he has dedicated himself to, (which has been great, but just one aspect of life).

(In my experience, the atmosphere of a boys' choir school at an Oxford college was quite toxic, and there was little regard for the individual child- everything was about the group, and was not open to ANY question. Also difficult was the fact that the choir is so absorbing that the children forget that there is a world outside of the choir- it becomes their life. These are some of the reasons we left...)

Great post.