Dealing with husband as well as teen issues

[RIPDotCotton]

Hi
Am a frequent poster on other boards but not on here before.
I’m hoping for advice about being stuck between my husband and teen.
Teen issues involve gender dysphoria/trans identity and right now I’m dealing with that alone because she won’t speak to him (she says she doesn’t have that kind of relationship with him - trust issues)
I’m using female pronouns as that hasn’t changed yet (at least not whilst she’s home- I have no idea about when she’s at university)
With him there are severe marriage issues that have been ongoing for years. For a number of reasons I have stayed in the marriage with a view to leaving when custody isn’t an issue. I’m not asking for advice with that- I made that decision because I’m an ex-pat and want the freedom to choose my path once custody doesn’t factor in.
I just feel my stress is doubled because there is no united front and whilst he loves her, he reacts badly when under stress and I don’t have the strength to deal with him on top of the stress/worry as she moves forward. It would be less stress without factoring him in but at the same time, an acrimonious divorce would just about finish me off right now.
Not sure why I’m posting really - maybe just for support? In real life I’ve had the response ‘well just leave’ but it’s often not that simple:(

Is he upsetting your child with this, or is it just your stress ?

Honestly- I’m sure she is stressed too. She wants me to tell him her feelings/plans (she is far away at college so we haven’t seen her since September) but after much internal debate I do feel that if she’s adult enough to want to proceed then it’s her story and she needs to tell him herself. However, on the surface she is living her best student life right now! I cannot be the intermediary when dealing with them both in different ways. Some days I just dream of walking away (I’m not going to as I still have a younger one at home for a couple more years)

I think she wants you to lay the ground work for her. This could be achieved by her first writing a letter giving your husband time to process it before she comes home and discusses it. Unfortunately, you will be the one to deal with your husbands initial reaction. Are you in the UK or abroad? Does she have somewhere to go when she comes home if it all gets too much for everyone?

I think you are right. We are abroad so no family here at all. When she comes home she would only have friends to stay with if things are bad- that would only work for a night or two probably.