Almost 14y/o DS friendships - feel so upset

[vistardelsol]

DS has had the same group of friends since primary - and they all went to secondary together. He always seemed ‘popular’ within his group of friends, with two boys he was particularly close to - DS seemed to be their first choice of mate to invite for sleepovers/special days out with their families etc etc.

I felt towards the end of year 8 things started to change a bit, and over the summer there seemed to a be a bit of distance between him and the group. Just lately though, things seem really different - particularly with one of the boys that DS doesn’t seem to be hanging out with much at all anymore. The other one he still sees, but a bit less too.

DS insists there has been no falling out or anything, but I can tell he is upset and confused. Of course we can’t exactly know how our kids behave socially, but I DS is genuinely kind and loyal to his mates, and always seemed non-exclusive when it came to including others. He does well academically but not an uber-nerd. I can’t for the life of me work out what he could have done for things to change like this over the course of 6 months…

Tonight he told me that he’s been left out from some Halloween plans with this group of friends (including who he would still count as his best mate - why they wouldn’t have his back I don’t know), and I feel so sad for him ☹️

any advice would be greatly appreciated! Xx

14 is probably the most difficult age for friendships. Unfortunately for your ds some lads like to try out new friends and stretch their circle so loyalty means little. They might be caught up in getting into a cool group or whatever. So it probably is nothing your ds has done.
Encourage him to look out for new friends. Is there someone on the edge of his circle he could link up with over the midterm. It's so painful watching them go through all this but hopefully he will find a new circle and move on himself. Joining a new club or taking up a new sport all helps.
Friends from Primary don't always last. I remember with my ds he was great friends with his primary bunch at first but it gradually changed. Nothing malicious just more students from other schools and a greater variety. But by 15 he was in with a great gang who have become his friends for life..travelling together and generally staying in touch although they all scattered for college.

Not really advice, but lots of empathy, because it’s almost exactly what happened with my ds, and it’s heartbreaking at the time. Always had lots of friends, always hung around in a group, sleepovers etc. then year 8/9 a definite change. Ds wasn’t forthcoming. I tried to ask him discreetly, but didn’t want to force the issue or keep on about it in case it gave him a complex! But he definitely stopped being so included in stuff. I’ve come to the conclusion that because he didn’t/doesn’t have a huge amount of self-confidence, he had kind of found his niche as a bit of a class clown, so I gathered. Nothing awful, but I think he liked to make people laugh. Then the others probably grew out of it, and maybe he didn’t catch on for a while, as it had worked for him up till then.

I was full of angst about it on his behalf, but I still have no idea if it bothered him! He did develop a smaller close group of friends, but has never really been at the centre of a large group since. I tend to project a lot, as although I made good friends at school, I was never one of the ‘in’ crowd, and I was really upset when I felt ds had been cast out! He’s at uni now, and seems to be enjoying the social life and still in touch with his old school friends.

Hope your ds adapts to the status quo which has emerged for whatever reason. Maybe as they’re all maturing, they start to ally themselves with different groups - sporty/gamers/academic? I have no idea really, but new friendships do develop and they usually do manage to navigate the potholes along the way. Hopefully before long your ds will have settled happily into a different groove!

@junebirthdaygirl - thank you 🙏🏻 I guess it is a transitional age - it would be one thing if they were all gradually growing
apart and making new friends, but right now it just feels quite a pointed effort to exclude DS which is so hurtful and just seems strange as he’d always seemed to well-liked until now. ☹️

I feel so upset and worried. Dh thinks I’m being ridiculous and that this happens - he didn’t actually have any great teenage friendships but I did (and a few of them are still my close friends to this day). I have two other kids (one older one younger) and it’s all been smooth sailing so far - ironically until recently I would have said my middle DS was the most social and had the most friends!

@watcherintherye - thank you, this was really helpful. DS is also quite funny and can be viewed as a bit of a clown I guess- maybe it’s similar? That said he’s never seemed socially awkward and at an age where some boys are insecure physically , he’s lucked on that front - almost 6ft tall, no spots etc.

he will go somewhere else for sixth form, but I am so worried about what the next 2 1/2years hold for him.

My daughter is in the same position as your son. It is so sad watching them feel rejected and left out with no explanation. We can only hope they find better, more loyal friends.