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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Bedroom cleanliness and hygiene

28 replies

berrymiss · 29/10/2023 10:54

My dd is 18 and taking a 1 year course at a local college before applying to uni next year.

For the umpteenth time, and despite tears, threats and rages (on my part), her bedroom is once again an utter tip. I'm not talking here about general untidiness but clothes all over the floor, spilt drinks/make-up not cleared up/ bin overflowing/ knickers with dirty sanitary pads on the floor; hair stuck to the shower cubicle wall, empty shampoo/conditioner bottles strewn around her bathroom. Both bedroom and bathroom smell. I've offered to help her clean but she refuses help.

In herself, she's clean and tidy so mo issues there.

It's getting me down so much. She promises to change but never does. I find it's disrespectful. The house isn't a show home but I expect some modicum of cleanliness.

I'm at my wit's end. I feel at 18 she should be able to manage this.

For those of you having experienced this, did anything work?

OP posts:
LividRag · 29/10/2023 11:04

I think her room, her problem.

The sanitary towel thing is fucking grim but the rest just needs the door closing on it.

I was filthy as a teenager but grew out of it and can’t tolerate mess now. If it’s not in communal areas, ignore it.

MaloneMeadow · 29/10/2023 12:57

My 19 year old DD is the exact same and has been for a few years - I’ve just given up and taken the her bedroom her problem approach to it, I don’t even go in there anymore. The only thing that will make her clean and tidy it is if she has friends coming over as she’d never embarrass herself like that, but within a few days it’s an absolute tip again. I do think that she’ll grow out of it though and am hoping communal dorm living for a few months on her gap year is a catalyst to this!

theduchessofspork · 29/10/2023 13:00

I honestly wouldn’t get bent out of shape about it - just close the door. She’ll grow out of it

Unless you pay her any kind of allowance - in which case you can make that contingent on a once a week blitz

Motheranddaughter · 29/10/2023 13:02

Just close the door

Alargeoneplease89 · 29/10/2023 13:07

Does she pay rent? Work? Get an allowance?

If she wants to live like a slob I would charge her rent / cleaning fee.

colusnigt · 29/10/2023 13:13

Is it your house? Does she pay for the privilege to keep her room that way?

I think it's fine when you pay for your own home to keep it as you please but it's pretty disrespectful when someone else pays the mortgage and the house is their responsibility. Sounds like it's time for her to move out and treat her own place as she sees fit.

whenindoubtgotothelibrary · 29/10/2023 13:53

Sounds grim, especially the sanitary towels, but apart from that I'm mostly in the 'her room her problem' camp, unless it's impingeing on communal areas. Rank untidiness is so common with this age group. Executive function continues to develop up to the mid-20s.

Having said that, DS was and remains pretty dreadful; a bit late in the day (as in after he'd graduated!) I realised that I'd never actually explained how to keep things broadly habitable as you go along. Giving him 3 really basic daily rules which take approx 1 minute - dirty washing in the basket, bed made, rubbish in the bin - helped clarify expectations. It wasn't miraculous but a definite improvement.

DarkChocHolic · 29/10/2023 14:19

Oh I am with you OP.
Have read many posts on MN advising to close the door, they will grow out of it etc...
But I do worry...there are many adults who are such slobs and I couldn't imagine sharing a flat or worse bathroom with someone who has poor hygiene.
I often think if I were a young adult at uni I wouldn't like to flat share with my DD...
She is so m3ssy and disorganised it's unbelievable..
And yes I have also seen MN posts that say you need to teach them life skills before they leave home!!

Original poster
berrymiss · 29/10/2023 14:42

I thought I had taught her life skills but clearly nothing sank in. She is still at college (not HE yet so does not work (well she has a weekend job). I can't throw her out yet. She'll go to uni next year.

Today I ended up clearing off all the hair she'd stuck to the shower walls (she knows not to let it go down the plughole as it's an attic bathroom and would block the pipes. Rather than place it in a bin, she 'conveniently' sticks it to the cubicle walks. I mean, wtf! If I hadn't cleaned it, eventually it'd end up clogging the pipes. I can't afford them to get blocked.

OP posts:
Tagli · 29/10/2023 14:48

colusnigt · 29/10/2023 13:13

Is it your house? Does she pay for the privilege to keep her room that way?

I think it's fine when you pay for your own home to keep it as you please but it's pretty disrespectful when someone else pays the mortgage and the house is their responsibility. Sounds like it's time for her to move out and treat her own place as she sees fit.

I agree with this. It is disrepectful in your home and no doubt she will do this to someone else's house she will be renting through her uni years. It isn't just untidy either it is stained. It is beyond disgusting and needs to be cleared. The used pads are a health hazard and on those grounds alone I would be giving her a deadline telling her if she doesn't clean it you will.

I did stand over my children so they tidied their room daily, it got them into the habit of doing it which is why now their rooms are clean and tidy.

HerMammy · 29/10/2023 14:56

I hope you're not doing her washing or cooking for her or giving her cash.
There a mess and there's disgusting.

Original poster
berrymiss · 29/10/2023 15:13

No, I don't do her washing or give her spend money. I do cook as she eats with me. It's my house.

It's got to the stage now that I'm wondering if it's a mental health issue. To lack such motivation that someone is prepared to live in such a pig sty ...

I'm equally incensed at and deeply worried about it. I'm such my raging can't help her sense of self worth and now try to stop myself (not always successfully). I just have no idea where to go from here.

OP posts:
HerMammy · 29/10/2023 15:15

Is she clean and tidy in her personal care? clean hair, clothes, makeup on etc?
Let's not jump to MH, she is lazy and dirty in her home, despite you nagging.
Tell her it's got to be done or she moves out, doubt a flatmate will tolerate her.

Dunkirk92 · 29/10/2023 15:32

The only thing that worked with my DD when she was a teenager was taking her door off, she was mortified and tidied up so that I put it back on again, so you can maybe try this, I have to say she is still not tidy, but she has left home so its no longer my problem

AgingDisgracefullyHere · 29/10/2023 15:39

I draw the line at anything that rots or feeds pests. So no food or drink. I think I'd include blood in that. Be as messy as you like, but no biohazards.

Original poster
berrymiss · 29/10/2023 15:43

Yes, no issue with personal care. Won't nip to the local co op without make-up in case she bumps into someone she knows.

This is why I think it's disrespectful. She went on holiday for 3 weeks with a friend in summer and I blitzed her room as I couldn't stand it any longer. Two days after her returning, it was an utter mess again.

I said last time that if it happened again, she can go and live with her father (we're divorced). She was all contrite at the time but a month down the road and it's happened again.

OP posts:
Burntouted · 29/10/2023 15:47

The way that she is and keeps things is a house and a serious health hazard.

The way that she is and keeps things can have anyone in the household seriously ill, it can also breed mold that can spread rapidly throughout your entire home.. I'm sure that you don't want to have to have the walls, floors, etc... ripped apart to get to hopefully get rid of the mold.

Also, pretty soon you might have a pest infestation.

You're going to have to have serious house repairs, such as the pipes becoming clogged, possibly damaged soon.

This is extremely serious.

Closing her door, ignoring it, charging her, cleaning it yourself won't solve anything.

Enabling her behaviors isn't going to solve anything.

The house cannot remain this way. She cannot remain this way in your house.

Since she is ignoring you and the problem...she needs to be removed from your house.

She needs a place of her own. It's the only solution.

Original poster
berrymiss · 29/10/2023 16:49

I can't throw her out. She is full-time at the local college and has no means of financial support. Come next September, she will be at uni and I feel dreadful that I'm having mixed feelings about that: both anticipated loss but relief.

OP posts:
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 29/10/2023 16:56

My DD is messy but I do tend do pick dishes up if I'm in there or like today when she's at work I've washed her bedding, taken the dishes out and emptied the bin.

At least then it feels a little tidier, enough that I can tolerate it anyway.

stonedaisy · 29/10/2023 18:12

Just close the door and try to forget about it. If it stinks put a really obvious air freshener by the door. It'll have to get cleaned up eventually and she'll have to be (and want to be) the one to do it.
To keep the peace you can mention you're expecting it to get sorted asap but dont nag or go on.
Its just a young person thing.. it will pass

Jifmicroliquid · 29/10/2023 18:30

Sorry but leaving used sanitary items on the floor and sticking her hair to the shower walls is disgusting and disrespectful and not the behaviour of an 18 year old. Being untidy is a normal teenage thing, but being disgustingly unhygienic is not.
Your house, your rules. Get a lock for the bedroom door and if she won’t keep it tidy, the lock goes on and she has no access to her things or bed. If it means she sleeps on the couch, then so be it.

And if she still won’t clean it, perhaps photograph the grim mess and tell you’re going to expose her disgusting habits to everyone she knows on social media… that might scare her into being less of a slob!

TheOwlChronicles · 29/10/2023 19:02

I wouldn't have this in my house and would never ever just shut the door on it. I'm very house proud and I wouldn't be able to relax knowing it was filthy

My approach would be to tidy it myself. Id just go in there with bin bags and blitz it and then keep on top of it daily

The 'punishment' for your daughter would be the invasion of her privacy and the chance that something she wants / needs / is precious to her gets chucked

TheOwlChronicles · 29/10/2023 19:04

And LOL at some weirdos telling you it's SERIOUS and she MUST BE REMOVED.

It'll pass. It's a teen thing for some of them. Just go in there and sort it. She will soon grow tired of you binning stuff and if she doesn't? Well, she's off next year so the end is in sight anyway

Original poster
berrymiss · 29/10/2023 20:44

Re:
*
And if she still won’t clean it, perhaps photograph the grim mess and tell you’re going to expose her disgusting habits to everyone she knows on social media… that might scare her into being less of a slob!*

Tried that. She looked at me as though I'd gone mad 🤣 (she was probably right. I had.)

I think the 'invasion of privacy' might work. I'm going to try that next. Thanks everyone for not making me feel I'd lost the plot. Watch this space - i'll update if it works.

OP posts:
TheOwlChronicles · 29/10/2023 21:51

Honestly OP, I'd stop the hand wringing over it and just trot in there every day for 5 mins, binning what you feel needs binning and helpfully 'tidying' other bits.

However - I would have to draw a firm line regarding bloodied pads in knickers left on the floor. If she's 18, she should have moved past all that. If she really is incapable of putting them in a bin, then I'd again go in there with a bin bag and literally make her pick them up in front of me , peel them off the pants, pop in bag and put pants in wash basket.

Would she really want to be treated in this way? Like a young child?

You may find she grows tired of it quicker than you do

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