No idea how to handle her

[teendramaqueen]

I'm at my wits end, my little girl who I was so close to has turned into a rude, entitled little bully and I have no idea how to handle her.
I know I'm not the only one with a bratty little teenager but my god, she can be horrid!
She's 13, but in her head thinks she's 23. Think she knows everything. Rude, obnoxious, disrespectful. She's constantly belittling her younger brother, trying to make him look stupid. Every time I open my mouth to speak she acts like I've just asked her to cut off her own hand. She'll ask a question and then when I answer it goes 'oh my god i know stop lecturing me'
Spent 10 minutes tonight telling me I'm the most boring person she's ever known. Then shouted at me for serving her something fatty for tea even though it was what she'd asked for (sausage and mash with veggies). I said that they weren't fatty and that the bags of sweets she gets through with her friends are worse then she accused me of calling her fat (I would never do that, she definitely isn't fat)

Sorry if this sounds rambled it's just really getting to me at the moment. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her but if I try and talk to her at all about it she kicks off like I'm having a go at her.

How do you all handle your hormonal teens?!

My advice is to stay as calm as possible. My guess is that she wants to get you as upset as she feels so she has a reason to act out. But you are a brick wall! Nothing makes you yell or react.

You need to be patient while also establishing boundaries with her so that she learns how to treat people and behave in relationships.

So for example, say "that's enough" when she belittles her brother. Establish a short list (so she remembers them) of rules, such as "no nasty personal comments about anyone's intelligence or appearance," "do X chores per week," "always make sure I know where you are when you leave the house). If she insults anyone, she needs to apologize. If she does it a second time, there's a consequence (like giving up her phone for the rest of the day).

This way, when she breaks a rule, you don't need to yell and argue. You just say she broke the rule and ask for an apology or the phone (or whatever). Then you tell her that you don't want to live in a hateful atmosphere and you raised her better than to bring everyone down with mean comments.

Also, I think there's always a reason for a personality change. Yes, hormones are responsible for a lot, but if you've raised her to be calm and respectful and decent to people, then I bet there'll be something else going on. Are there arguments between you and a spouse/partner? Is she being bullied at school? Are there money problems at home? I'd think about it and approach her not in anger but out of concern as to what has created this bad attitude. GOod luck.

Call out rude behaviour, but in an observational way rather than judgemental. Then model kindness and respect. For example "that's a horrible thing to say to your brother. [Sons name], you absolutely are not XZY. Let's go to another room while your sister is being unkind".

Have your own personal boundaries for personal insults. You (surely) wouldn't be OK with calling you boring. It doesn't need to be an argument, just an acknowledgement that this is not OK, remove yourself amd then once calm, expect to have a conversation about it.

Kids take a while to get it, just don't take it personally while they learn and keep going.

Thank you. Staying calm can be a real test sometimes!

No bullying at school (that I'm aware of!) she has a decent group of friends and seems to be happy when with them.
No arguing between me and OH. He's not her Dad but has been in her life since she was 8 and she gets on well with him most of the time (he's a bit of a wind up sometimes so if she's not in the mood for it she'll have a go at him but generally they do get on well)
She's finding school work quite hard this year which is new for her as she's always been quite academic and found stuff relatively easy. She seems to be losing focus and instead of rising to the challenge is just taking an 'I don't care about school' attitude.

I'll try and speak to her again although will probably just be met with eye rolls and sighs.

Yes it certainly can! If you can make it a rule for yourself though, I think things will be easier and calmer. Calm, happy families always have parents who are calm and mature in any given situation, no matter what! It's not a standard I find it easy to maintain, but I have seen that it works!

Good on you for trying to figure this out and being persistent as far as finding out what the problem is. If you do think it might be school-work, I wonder if there's any extra help you could find for her, like extra help from teachers or even a tutor if it's affordable? I wonder also what's going on with her friends?

Good luck!

on a good day sit her down and ask her how you can help her with school, would she like a tutor in subjects she’s struggling with, would she like you to buy the curriculum booklets so she can have overview, would it be worth focusing on subjects she enjoys plus maths/English and not bother about a couple of boring GCSEs. Look at entry requirements to college, apprenticeships and anything she’s interested in, note the entry requirements which will usually be 5 or 6 good GCSEs.

Every day is a new day, try and hold her on positive regard. Try to point out things you like about her and appreciate daily. Stay kind and fair and remove yourself rather than get into big clashes which stem from her unhappiness. Say you’re happy to chat about things calmly when she’s ready. When she’s lashing out don’t take it personally because her behaviour is a result of her own inner turmoil.

stop walking on egg shells around her, you are in charge!